Winston Groom: Gump & Company

“Because it’s true,” he said. “Look at all this stuff. Half of it’s wrong.” He points to a part of the encyclopedia that’s open. “Look at this,” he says, pointin to a drawin that said “1956 Buick.” “That’s a fifty-five Buick,” he says. “The fifty-six didn’t have fins like that. And look at this, too,” he said. “That’s an F-eighty-five fighter plane—not an F-one-hundred!” Little Forrest gone on to point out a bunch of other stuff, too, he said wasn’t right.

“Any dummy would know all this is wrong,” he says.

Well, almost any dummy, I figgered. I didn’t know if he was right or not, but I intended to ask Slim about it next mornin.

“You got to catch em at just the right time,” Slim says. “Right after the husband has gone off to work an before they take their kids to school. If you see a yard with toys for little kids who ain’t old enough to go to school, save it for later in the day.”

We had got off the truck in a neighborhood an was walkin down the street, an Slim was teachin me the tricks of the trade.

“Next best time,” he says, “is right after the soap operas is over an before they got to go pick up the kids again, or the husband gets home from work.”

“Look,” I said, “I need to ast you somethin. Somebody done tole me a lot of the things in the encyclopedia ain’t right.”

“Yeah, who tole you that?”

“I’d rather not say. Question is, is it true?”

“How the hell would I know?” Slim says. “I don’t read that crap. I’m just here to get people to buy it.”

“But what about the folks who do?” I says. “I mean, it don’t seem fair to be gettin them to pay all that money for stuff that ain’t so.”

“Who cares?” Slim answers. “Ain’t any of them people know the difference—an besides, you don’t think they actually use this shit, do you? They get it to put on a shelf, and it probly don’t ever get opened up.”

Anyhow, Slim pretty soon spotted the house he was gonna make a sale at. It needed some paint an all, but outside there was an old tire hangin from a tree branch by a rope an some small bikes on the porch.

“This is it,” Slim said. “I can feel it in my bones. Two kids, just about school age. I bet Mama’s in there right now opening her checkbook for me.”

Slim knocked on the door, an pretty soon a lady appeared, sort of sad-eyed an tired lookin. Slim went right into his pitch. As he kept on talkin, he just sort of worked his way inside the house, an the next thing the lady knew, the two of us was settin in her livin room.

“But I really don’t need any more encyclopedias,” she says. “Look I’ve already bought the Encyclopedia Britannica and the Encyclopedia Americana. We’ll be payin on those the next ten years.”

“Exactly!” Slim says. “And you won’t be using them until then, either! You see, them encyclopedias are for older kids—late high-school and college students. But you gotta have somethin now, while your kids are still young—somethin they can get interested in! And here it is!”

Slim begun handin the lady all his samples, pointin out how many pictures an all were there an how the writin was simplified an much more understandable than them other encyclopedias the lady already had bought. Time he was through, Slim had got the lady to serve us some lemonade, an when we left, Slim walked away with a contract in his hand.

“Now, Gump! See how easy it is! Lookee here, I just made myself a thousand dollars for twenty minutes’ work—just like takin candy from a baby!”

In fact, he was correct. Cept I didn’t feel exactly right about it. I mean, what was that poor lady gonna do with all them encyclopedia sets? But Slim said she was just the kind of “client” he liked. “They believe all the bullshit you can lay on em,” he said. “Most of em are grateful just to have somebody to talk to.”

Anyway, he says for me to go on now an start pushin the encyclopedias on my own, an he expects me to have a sale or two by the end of the day—now that he has showed me how to do it.

So that’s what I did. But by late that afternoon, I had knocked on two-dozen doors an hadn’t even once got ast inside. Four or five times the people wouldn’t even open the door—they spoke through the mail slot an tole me to go away. One lady was hoein some crabgrass out of her driveway an when she found out why I was there, she ran me off with the hoe.

I was walkin on back to the truck pickup point when I looked down a street that was different from the ones I had been workin on. This was a nice street, with real pretty houses an gardens an expensive cars in the driveways. An at the very end of the street, up on a little hill, was the biggest house of them all—a mansion, I guess you could call it. I figgered, what the hell. I know Slim has tole us these kinds of folks don’t buy encyclopedias, but I got to try somethin, an so I gone on up to the mansion an rang the doorbell. It was the first doorbell I seen all day. First, nothin happened, an I figgered ain’t nobody home. I rang two or three more times, an was about to go on my way, when suddenly the door opened. It was a lady standin there, wearin a red silk gown, an carryin a cigarette holder in her hand. She was older than me, but she was still very beautiful, with long wavy brown hair an a lot of makeup. When she saw me, she looked me over two or three times, an then gave a big ole smile. Afore I had a chance to say anythin at all, she opened the door an invited me in.

Mrs. Hopewell was her name, but she says for me to call her Alice.

Mrs. Hopewell—Alice—took me into a great big room with high ceilins an a lot of fancy furniture an ast me if I wanted somethin to drink. I nodded, an she says, “What’ll it be then, bourbon, gin, scotch?” But I remembered what Slim had tole us about drinkin on the job, so I tole her a CokeCola would be just fine. When she come back with the CokeCola, I went into my spiel. About halfway through, Mrs. Hopewell says, “Thank you, Forrest. I have heard enough. I’ll buy them.”

“What?” I ast. I ain’t believin my luck.

“The encyclopedias,” she says. “I’ll take a set.”

She ast me how much to write the check for, an I explained about how she ain’t really buyin them, just makin a contract to buy the annual yearbook for the rest of her life, but she waved me off. “Just show me where to sign,” she said, an that’s what I did.

Meantime, I took a swig of the CokeCola. Uggh! It tasted horrible! For a moment I thought she done poured me somethin else besides CokeCola, but in fact she hadn’t, account of she done left the can right there on the side table.

“And now, Forrest, I am gonna go slip into somethin more comfortable,” Mrs. Hopewell says.

I am thinkin she looks comfortable enough already, but of course, this is none of my bidness.

“Yes’m,” I says.

“Just call me Alice,” she says, and disappears out of the room with her skirts sashayin behind her.

I set there lookin at the CokeCola an gettin thirstier an thirstier. I really wish I had a RC or somethin. Anyhow, I figger she is gonna be a few minutes, so I gone on back to where the kitchen was. I have never seen such a kitchen as this! I mean, it is bigger than the whole house Jenny growed up in, with tiles an wood an stainless stuff an lights that come out of the ceiling! I looked in the icebox to see if there was another CokeCola, thinkin maybe that one had just gone bad. To my surprise there was about fifty cans of it in there, an so I popped open another one an took a great big swig. Arrrragh! I had to spit it out. It tasted like shit!

Well, actually it didn’t taste exactly like shit, whatever shit tastes like. It tasted more like a combination of turpentine an bacon grease, with a little sugar an fizzy-water thowed in. I am thinkin somebody done played a trick on Mrs. Hopewell.