Toshiki Okada - The End of the Moment We Had

As usual, I don’t know what to do with my body.

From what I read in his blog, it seems that the foul odour I worried I gave off that time but wasn’t sure was real was real after all. My husband found the stench so shocking that at first he didn’t even make the connection—he smelt it, but he didn’t really acknowledge it, not immediately anyway, until he finally started to get where it was coming from, which was when he looked straight at me, but being unsure whether to yell at me or be worried for me, he just sat there and said nothing.

He was completely dumbstruck. He wrote, what is she, part skunk?

Of course he’s never smelt a real skunk. But once when he was a boy he took his dog to the vet for an injection, and it wasn’t the first time the dog had gotten an injection, so it knew something painful was about to happen, and as it stood there on the vet’s exam table, it let out this truly noxious gas, which the vet said was the same type of reaction a skunk has, so you could say my husband has at least smelt something skunk-like before. The odour I was giving off must have been the same kind of thing, he wrote.

The larger of the two circular fluorescent bulbs in the light hanging from the ceiling is dead. It’s been dead for more than a week but we haven’t replaced it.

I’m bored with lying around here on my futon, I’ve been bored for a while now. But I know that when my husband takes the train home tonight, one of the last trains if not the last, my body will still be sprawled out on the mattress. I might even be asleep, deaf to the sound of him coming in. I can always sleep, and when I’m asleep I can sleep on and on.

But if I am awake, I might come right out and tell him that I blew off work and stayed in bed all day. Definitely not because I’m holding myself to a high standard of righteous honesty, and I would probably come right out and say it to anyone, it wouldn’t have to be my husband, although he’s the only person I’ve got, but I would say it because I want to put him in a bad mood. I have a deep need for someone to let me hurt them, I want to pull my husband down here to my level, where I’m wallowing, to be with me and to stay with me, to feel exactly what I’m feeling, I want to take these chunks of negative shit that I’m carrying around like rock candy crammed into my head and body, like bad junk that needs to be thrown away, and I want to pass them on to him, even though I’m not sure they can be passed on, I want to give him as much as I can, even a tiny bit would be enough.

But if I come right out and say to him I didn’t do a worthwhile thing all day, I can’t picture him giving me the reaction that I want, like making a face that shows how fed up he is. I’d be happy if he made any face at all, whether or not I could tell what it meant. I need a reaction from him more than anything else, but he doesn’t seem to grasp that. Why can’t he give any of himself to me?

The bottom of my ribcage is having a shoving match with the floor, the impact only slightly absorbed by the futon and the meat around my bones.

My husband thinks that it’s a good thing to be indulgent with me, he thinks that it’s a way to be kind, and he’s completely blind to the fact that all it does is make me feel worse about what a narrow-minded, petty, lazy bitch I am. I don’t need him to be kind to me or tolerant of how I behave. He’s never picked up on the fact that this is a change he needs to make. I’ve tried to make that clear to him again and again. But he always seems to think that his way is right, he’s never tried to change, never tried to see it from my perspective, not in the least. Every so often it gets to where I can’t stand it.

My husband is not the sort of person who brings work home with him, he doesn’t talk about how tired he is, or complain about his co-workers. Instead he brings home beer. He likes these tall cans of cheap low-malt beer, which is what he was drinking when I chopped his game controller cord in half. Why doesn’t he ever feel any rage towards me, even a little? Even when I do something like that?

When I finally calmed down, he quietly slipped out of the apartment. He was so quiet and downcast he seemed almost apologetic, not angry at all. He put on his shoes with such care that it didn’t make a sound. Then he left, headed out to the closest convenience store.

It’s down the hill, not all the way down, a little before the street hits the wider road.

If you go up the hill instead, there are no shops or stores. Just a postbox a few steps up. It’s a gentle slope at first, with the path stretching up in a straight line. Then you come to a little tunnel. Right on the other side it gets really steep and the path starts to snake back and forth. Eventually you come to a set of stairs.

The surface of the path is asphalt, but the stairs are concrete, a concrete so white that in bright light the dirt on it shows. The asphalt smells like asphalt, and the concrete smells like concrete.

The stairs don’t go all the way to the top of the hill, they stop short around twenty metres from the top. From there it’s a path again. But still concrete. Regularly spaced on the concrete path are circular depressions twenty centimetres across, designed I guess to keep you from slipping.

When the slope rounds off and you can walk easily again, there’s really nothing up there—a pay parking lot, a vacant lot where maybe they’ll put in another pay parking lot, another site that’s just dry, bare earth, a storage shed by an abandoned croquet court. There’s an elementary school and a junior high school. But neither of those has anything to do with us. It doesn’t make one bit of difference to us whether the schoolyard’s full of kids or their ghosts.

There’s a library and a low-slung building that serves as the local community centre.

Part of the hilltop is a park. In the middle is a tall stand of broad-leafed trees. When you go in, though, it doesn’t feel like the trees are pressing in around you. There are other trees dotting the rest of the park too. There’s a long slide that dips down the side of the hill.

I sat waiting for my husband. The TV was on but I just listened, didn’t watch, looked instead at my phone, reading my horoscope. As my husband approached the convenience store, he seemed to be basking in a warm light, the way it was coming from the store. Stepping inside, he took a free help-wanted weekly from the rack by the entrance.

By the time he came back home, I had finished reading my horoscope and was about to check what kind of luck he was going to have this week.

The job listings said that there was a drugstore hiring not far from our place.

The next morning my husband called exactly when the listing said they’d start taking calls. He hadn’t finished his toast yet, but they were taking calls so he called. I sat there and listened while he arranged a time to go there and apply. Then the morning after that he left home and went straight to the drugstore. Before the day was over he texted me that he got the job.

He started the next day. At first it was all training. Instead of this happening at the actual store where he was going to work, he was sent to the company headquarters in Nishi Shinjuku. One of the floors in the building was all training space. He arrived just before nine. There were three people already seated in the room. He thought there would be more.

There were long folding tables on castors, set up like a classroom. In the front of the room was an electronic whiteboard with a printer attached. The three other people were seated at the back, so my husband went and sat with them. One more person joined them, and immediately after that in walked some people whose smiles and haircuts and clothes told you right away they were the training staff.