Ирвин Уэлш - Dead Men's Trousers

But oan the plane they gie ye stuff tae eat n a wee peeve, so ah’m sittin back, sayin tae Toto, whae’s in the bag at ma feet, — This is the life, pal, but eh’s sayin nowt, just wee whines, which the lassie sittin next tae ays picks up oan n tries tae comfort the wee gadge. — He’s lovely! What’s his name?

— Toto, ah goes. Thinkin barry tae git some convo oan the airy, ken?

— Oh, how sweet, after The Wizard of Oz !

— Naw, it wis pure eftir that band Toto whae did that song aboot Africa. Thaire’s a barry remix ah heard and ah just thoat: name the dug that. Then ah goat telt by ma gay mate, Poofy Paul, aboot The Wizard ay Oz connection, ken?

— Well, I hope you both follow the Yellow Brick Road!

— That wis that Elton John boy though, no Toto, ah goes.

The lassie jist smiles at that. Goat her thaire but, pure bambozzled the dude-ess wi cultural science, man.

— He’s… ah bends ma wrist, — that wey n aw. Nowt against anybody, mind you, live n let live, aw love is beautiful, but ah’m a straight shooter, if ye git ma drift.

Overcooked that chick, man. That’s me aw ower. Some gadges ken how tae talk tae a lemon, no me but, ay? She gies a smile that sais ‘yir a radge, but hermless enough’ which is the worst smile a lassie kin gie ye. — He’s certainly a cute one, she goes, pattin the dug’s wet beak through the mesh ay the bag again.

So we lands in Turkey n me n the dug gits oot ay the David Narey, n jumps a sherbet tae Istanbul, and it’s mental! Man, the place is fair bustling, wi aw they people bouncing aboot. Cause ah’m a fair-skinned gadge wi a dug ah wid sort ay stick oot a bit here, but ah’m in the taxi n wir drivin through the streets. It’s like thaire’s tons ay guys but hardly any lassies. Rents went ages ago as a student n ah mind um sayin it wis like Leith, but that’s aw changed. Ye git tons ay lassies walkin around in Leith now. Ah sort ay thoat thit aw the burds here wid huv veils, n look through thum aw seductively at ye wi big eyes, like in they auld Turkish Delight adverts, full ay Eastern promise, but it isnae like that, likesay. Shame but, ay? How barry wid that be?

But this is good, it’s the best wey tae make money, like, bein a middleman. See, ah cannae dae the tea-leafin any mair. Whin ye git aulder, ye git too much ay a moral compass, and it ey points in the ‘dinnae rip cats oaf’ direction. Can not dae it any mair, man. Just cannae be in some dude’s hoose takin thair stuff, n it disnae matter how much thuv goat. It still might be something that means a loat tae them, like a deid relative’s trinkets. Could not huv that oan ma conscience, man. Nup. The auld ‘feast ay Stephen’ jist isnae happinin fir ays any mair.

So ah’m at the station, huvin boat some food, waitin by platform 3 like they sais, n this boy comes up tae me, leathers n a helmet, n looks at the dug. Eh hands ays a cardboard boax wi a plastic handle stickin oot ay it. It’s aboot the same size as Toto. The boy sais nowt, just hands ays the boax n a ticket for the train, then eh’s away. The boax is heavier thin it looks, cause inside the cardboard thaire’s another boax.

The train leaves at nine, but ah lets Toto oot n takes um fir a walk n tae dae his business, so the time goes quick. Ah heads back as it gits dark n huv tae bag the dug up tae git him oan the choo-choo, but ah’m chuffed cause it’s a nice wee carriage aw tae ourselves, so ah let him oot. There we are sittin back, bound fir Berlin. Toto’s oan the seat opposite, his wee heid bobbin away like a noddin toy dug in the back ay a car windae, as we go past stuff at speed. Ah opens the cardboard boax, n see that the other boax inside is white, n looks like a mini fridge or a microwave cooker. It’s goat aw controls n things oan it. Yon kidney’ll be inside. Ah dozes off for a bit n wakes up when ah hears the ticket wifie comin. Wir in Bucharest, so ah gits Toto back in the Sherpa bag. It steys thaire for ages. The train disnae seem too busy though.

By the time we gits tae Prague ah’m pure starvin cause ah’ve eaten aw the stuff ah boat at the station. Ah’ve let Toto out the bag n ah tells um tae hang loose a bit while ah goes tae the lavy tae take a slash, then investigate the buffet, tae git something fir me n the dug. Ah sees they hot dugs, which sounds like cannibalism for perr Toto, but obviously isnae likes. The lassie pure speaks English, and that’s barry, cause nae wey wid ye git a lassie oan the railways in Britain thit spoke German. No unless she wis German. But ah dinnae think any bilingual Deutsch chick wid be wastin her talents trolley-dollyin oan Britain’s railways. But cats huv tae dae anything tae make a livin these days, even brainy overqualified yins need tae dae shite joabs. Which makes the likes ay me pretty much useless, man. But no now. Now ah’ve finally goat a wee tickle; the part-time warehouse gig back hame n the international jet-set boy whae’s oan a mission here!

When ah gits back tae the carriage, ah cannae believe it…

Toto’s knocked ower the boax. He’s pushed it off the seat oantae the flair. It’s opened. Aw that chemical stuff is spilt acroass the flair. Aw naw, man… How did it open…? N eh’s goat the kidney oot n eh’s eatin it. Aw naw… — Aw, Toto man…

He looks up at ays. It’s lodged in ehs jaws, wriggling like it wis alive. Ah touches it n it’s aw cauld and smelling ay chemicals.

Ma life is ower, man, ah’ve fucked up big time .

— Droap it, boy! ah goes, n eh does. It’s goat ehs teeth marks in it… That’s evidence… Ah picks it up n it’s cauld in ma hand, but no frozen through… It feels sort ay burnin in ma hand… Ah tell um tae stey n ah goes outside n lobs it doon the lavy ay the train n flushes it away.

Ah dinnae ken what the fuck tae dae now! The rest ay the trip tae Berlin, man, ah’m jist pure shitein it. Thaire’s a rock in ma guts the size ay an asteroid, n ah’m brekin oot in chilly sweats. Ah’m thinkin aboot what Syme’ll dae tae ays. Like droonin me. Or burnin ays. Or setting aboot ma nipples wi pliers. Ah’m thinkin: anything but the eyes n baws. N ah cannae even blame perr Toto, no his fault; shouldnae huv left the dug unsupervised. Ah shouldnae huv flung it away: but it hus the dug’s teeth marks in it. Whin we gits oaf ah’m still in shock, pure in a trance, n Toto kens thaire’s something wrong as eh jist walks alongside ays, lookin up.

So ah’m no really thinkin straight, n ah goes tae a local butcher n buys a kidney tae replace it. Thin ah goes tae the lavy in the station n makes the swap. It looks nowt like the one Toto goat at. It’s a different shape n colour, mair ay a broonish thing like a Jambo strip. But ah pits it in the ice boax anyway, n ah ken thi’ll find oot, but it just buys ays a bit mair time tae think.

But thaire isnae time tae think cause whin ah gits back tae the platform thaire’s a boy waitin thaire, another biker, whae, funnily enough, looks a bit like the last gadge but isnae. This yin talks, seems mair chilled oot. — All is good?

— Aye, sound, ah goes n ah hands it ower tae the guy n eh leaves withoot checkin it or sayin nowt.

Ah suppose they willnae ken till they open it. But if they pill ays up fir it, ah’ll need tae hud ma hand up, cause it widnae be fair tae git the biker boy intae bother. As long as they dinnae try n pit this kidney intae a bairn or anything! That wid be the worst… Bit naw, calm doon, thi’ll no dae that. Thi’ll check it’s no right first.

Ah taxi tae the airport tae git the flight back. Ah think aboot steyin here wi Toto, but ah’d nivir survive, ah’m no a cat like Renton or Sick Boy, that kin jist take off like that n everything’s hunky-dory. Ah need tae face the music. But ah’m gaun back tae Mikey… and it’s no really Mikey, it’s the boys behind um, like that cat Syme, and whae kens who else. Ah looks at Toto, whae disnae understand that he’s done wrong, it’s no the dug’s fault, but ah cannae help sayin tae um, — Aw, Toto, what huv ye done tae us, man?