Ирвин Уэлш - Dead Men's Trousers

Of course, I had to take Spud’s daft wee mutt. Alex loves him, sits with him across his knees, dispensing rhythmic strokes over his head and down his back. Neither of them tires of this. I sometimes watch tae see whae’ll end it first, and they only stop when it’s mealtimes. Even I’ve gotten attached tae Toto and I’m no really an animals guy, especially small dogs.

Franco takes advantage ay Eve charging after our canine pals, and comes over, playfully squeezing my bicep. — There’s ma fuckin hero. He looks wistfully at the two girls, playing now with the pooches. — Could have lost it all.

— It’s cool, bud, I whisper. I’ve got big money in the bank thanks tae him. He did sell the heads for me, at about forty per cent more than I paid for them. Franco, Melanie and I agreed tae play down that horrible incident with the rogue cop. The stalker is likely to get banged up for at least ten on abduction, assault and breaking and entering charges. I’ll be in court soon as a witness. I’ve given Vicky and Dad a broad outline. Time enough to tell them all the details later.

I’m working out a lot, going for runs with Vicky. I’m eating well, and keeping off the drink and drugs. I occasionally dae NA as a lifebelt, like before I go travelling with the DJs, and have an app tae tell ays where the meetings are in each city I visit. I’m watching my weight, for the first time: I was always a thirty-two-inch waist. Now Billy’s thirty-fours fit me just fine. My tribute tae him and Spud is tae wear them until they fall off.

But maybe we’ll all have some ice cream. Just like when Franco and I first met back at that van, outside the Fort, him carrying the Tupperware bowl. This time he won’t be chasing radges, and I won’t be chasing drugs. My phone rings, and I step down the beach to take it. It’s Gavin Gregson, the publisher in London. The one I sent Spud’s manuscript tae, with just a few corrections. Well, two words mainly, both on the title page. He will reiterate to me about how excited they are to be publishing my book next spring. I think about Sick Boy’s words, that you can only be a cunt or a mug, and you really can’t be a mug. A thousand things go through my mind at once. Maybe atonement is about doing the right thing. But who for? I see Vicky smiling at me, as Alex does a wee dance on the spot. What do I do? What would you do? I let it ring another couple of times, then hit the green button. — Gavin, how goes?

Big shout out to all at my publishers, Jonathan Cape. Thanks again, people.

Special thanks to the magnificent Dan McDaid for his wonderful DMT illustrations.

Irvine Welsh currently lives in Miami.

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The Acid House

Marabou Stork Nightmares

Ecstasy

Filth

Glue

Porno

The Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs

If You Liked School, You’ll Love Work …

Crime

Reheated Cabbage

Skagboys

The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins

A Decent Ride

The Blade Artist

You’ll Have Had Your Hole

Babylon Heights (with Dean Cavanagh)

The Acid House

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Epub ISBN: 9781473555587

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Copyright © Irvine Welsh 2018

Cover photograph © Sam Barker

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First published by Jonathan Cape in 2018

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A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library