Sarah Mlynowski - Monkey Business

“Promise you won’t repeat?”

“Repeat? I would never.” The first rule of girl talk is that one must never repeat. “Spill it!”

“It was terrible. Terrible.” She brings her thumb and index finger about an inch apart.

I shriek with laughter.

“It didn’t even make it inside of me.”

How awful. “No wonder he follows you around. He wants another chance.”

“I know. Do you think a guy knows when he’s not good in bed?”

Now we’re talking. I dip into the box for cookie number three. “I don’t know. Does a woman?”

“I think I would know if I wasn’t good in bed. Which I am.” She smiles. “I have another secret. I have a huge crush on Russ.”

Ew. Puke-boy. I attempt to mask my revulsion. “Yeah?”

“Isn’t he gorgeous?”

I can’t help but picture him with vomit on his chin. “So? What’s the story?”

“There is no story. He has a girlfriend back home. And I have no boyfriend and I’m failing out of school.”

“Maybe I can help you,” I offer.

“Find a boyfriend?”

I’m about to throw a pillow at her, but I’m afraid I’ll end up spilling the tea on my five-hundred-thread-count Ralph Lauren sheets. “I’m talking about getting better grades. We can work on our assignments together.”

“Really? You don’t mind?”

Why would I mind? It’ll be nice having someone to hang out with. “Not at all. It’ll be fun.”

She nods and looks around the room. “Thanks. I appreciate it. If you’re sure. If you change your mind, I’ll understand.”

If I change my mind, she’ll fail. “I’m sure.”

“Is there more hot water?” she asks. She crawls over to my night table and empties the rest of the kettle water into her cup. “Hey, who’s this?” She picks up the printout of Brad.

“Uh…no one.”

“No way, I told you everything about me!”

That’s true. A friendship is based on give and take. “It’s just some guy I’ve been admiring from afar.”

“You know, I’ve noticed Professor Jon has been admiring you from afar. He spends all class staring at you.”

“He’s not for me.”

She shakes her head in disbelief. “Are you nuts? He’s hot and smart and sexy and he seems to want you. I’d go for it. So who is this guy?”

“I read applications for LWBS. And today I processed an application of the guy I want to marry. Is that weird?”

“A little. And this is him?”

I can’t believe I just told her that. “Yeah. But please don’t tell anyone, okay?”

“So are you going to call him?”

“No! I can’t. It’s unethical. His picture will be my sexual fodder for the rest of the year. And who knows? Maybe he’ll come to LWBS in the fall.” He’s already been good to me. I had two orgasms last night, back to back. They weren’t perfect orgasms, but you know what they say: bad sex is better than no sex. That’s my quest, to have the perfect orgasm. I figure I’ll know it when I have it.

She taps her index finger against Brad’s head. “By next year this one will be taken. If he isn’t already.”

Taken? He could be taken? I can’t fantasize about a man who’s taken.

She laughs. “Don’t look so upset! He might not be. Just call him.”

“He ticked off the single box. He’s not married. Damn applications. I wish they had a Do you have a girlfriend? box. Or Do you live with someone? box.”

“Call him,” she repeats.

“We’ll see.” There’s no way I’m calling him.

I dig into the second row of cookies. Looks like I’ll need to stock up on these endorphins.

Tuesday, October 14, 10:25 a.m.

Isit next to Layla in Strategy, since it’s the one class where she doesn’t sit in the front row. The spitting bothers her.

“How are you feeling?” she asks.

“Better, thanks.” I can’t believe I spilled all that personal information to her last week. I must be a masochist. I whine about how women screw me over, and then I give someone I barely know the ammunition to stick it to me again. Now I have to be nice to her for the rest of our lives. Or at least until I get kicked out of school.

Russ walks in next and sits in the back.

Martin struts into the room, slams the front door and immediately writes BUSINESS IS WAR! on the blackboard, as he does every day. At least he’s not wearing the army hat he wore on the first day of class.

Jamie opens the door, waves to Martin and sits in the empty seat next to mine. “Hi, gorgeous,” he says, winking.

Layla tries to repress the smile on her face. I definitely should not have spilled the small penis info. Why am I so blessed with verbal diarrhea?

But I have the goods on her, if she turns into a leak, I’m sure the officials at LWBS would be interested to know that she has a photo of an applicant on her night table. For sexual fodder! I can’t believe she was so obvious about…masturbating. I’ve never actually heard a woman admit to masturbating. Guys talk about it all the time, but women? I bet if I’d hung around longer, she would have pulled out her dildos. She’s so…open. Which I guess is kind of cool.

Okay, I admit I’ve masturbated. Once. Tried to, anyway. But I couldn’t climax, and I just got sore. Yeah, I’m pretty screwed up.

But maybe if I found the right guy…

If Russ wasn’t already with Sharon…

“Today, I’ll be teaching you the im p ortance of goals and strategy when dealing with a com p etitor,” Martin showers on the front row. “ P retend you are a new company wanting to break into the laundry-detergent industry. Your strategy is your roadma p . If im p lemented p ro p erly, it will hel p you reach your goals. Your strategic p lan should be grounded in knowledge about your customer, research about your com p etitor, and your firm’s current p erformance.”

I so don’t understand what he’s talking about.

Maybe if applied it to boyfriend stealing…mmm. This could work!

Goal: get Russ to date me.

Now let’s see. I need knowledge about my customer, research about my competitor and understanding regarding my firm’s current performance.

My customer: Russ. What do I know about Russ, other than he’s hot and unavailable? I flip to the Understanding the Customer section of my strategy textbook for appropriate businessy terms.

1. Brand loyal . Russ is not very brand loyal. He’s joined twelve clubs since starting school and can’t decide on a major. He’s always up for a drink, a joint or a smoke break. He can’t seem to make up his mind about anything.

2. Easily influenced . Russ is easily influenced by peers. He has not cheated on his girlfriend (yet), but he gives off vibes that he has a tough time resisting temptation.

3. Potential impulse buyer . Does Russ acquire merchandise on impulse? I certainly hope so, if I’m the potential merchandise.

Not bad. Not bad at all. My heart speeds up. I can do this!

Now, for my competitor analysis: Sharon’s goal is probably to marry Russ. What I don’t know is how close she is to achieving that goal.

Okay, here we go. Find Sharon’s vulnerability and attack. She lives in another country. How can I use that to my advantage and turn “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” into “Out of sight, out of mind”? Obviously, I need to do some research.

Is this horrible? What kind of a person actively tries to steal someone else’s boyfriend?

A person like Cheryl.

An evil person.

Not necessarily. It’s nothing personal, just business, as they say. A matter of economics, supply and demand. (I demand what Russ is supplying?) If business is war, then so must be love! And so, if capitalism is at the heart of the American Dream, I’m doing my patriotic duty.