Sarah Mlynowski - Monkey Business

He has fish!

Here we go. I’m in love. Again.

Bradley Green III is brilliant, ambitious, gorgeous, well traveled, has perspective, has fish, and builds houses for the homeless. And according to his address, he now lives and works in Manhattan. And he’s applying to LWBS.

If he’s not the perfect man for me, I don’t know who is. If I had the computer program that the guys in the movie Weird Science used to make the perfect woman, I couldn’t have produced a more ideal man.

The perfect man whose phone number is directly in my line of vision.

No, I can’t call him. Extracting information about an applicant for my own purpose would be unethical. I tally up his score. His GMAT translates into a ten out of ten; work experience a nine; college marks-I peek at his transcript-a four point five! He’s better than perfect, and here I thought only high school granted extra credit-I give him a perfect ten (unfortunately, I can’t give him extra credit); references-glowing, but why am I surprised?-five out of five, essays five out of five; and overall impressions I’m giving him another five. That’s a total of forty-four out of forty five. He’s most definitely in.

All right. I’ve done all I can ethically do. If he comes to LWBS, I can introduce myself and let love weave its magic.

But magic aside, why leave anything to chance?

I change his work-experience score to ten. If you’re better than perfect in one area, you should be allowed to let the extra credit spill over to an area that’s lacking.

It’s ten-thirty and I can’t sleep. I have to pee. I do not feel like standing up, slipping on pajamas, finding my slippers and walking all the way down the hall. I will not be able to fall asleep if I have to pee. I’ll just think about something else. Something fun.

I reboot my computer and click onto the New York Times Web site. I search for Bradley Green, and click on his photo.

So hot. Now for some sexy music.

It’s now eleven o’clock and I still have to pee.

I don’t have to pee…I don’t have to pee…I don’t have to pee, I don’t have to pee…

I’m never going to be able to sleep until I go to the bathroom. I sigh and search for my slippers.

Wednesday, October 8, 2:45 p.m.

Professor Gold is handing back the assignments. She walks up to me, looks me up and down (probably wondering if I slept with someone to get accepted here), and places mine facedown on my desk.

I wait for the others to receive theirs before I peek. I want to prolong the moment as long as possible.

Maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Maybe I did amazing. Who knows? I could be a secret Stats genius. Just because I got back a D in the individual portion of the Accounting assignment today and a D on my last Economics mini-paper doesn’t mean I don’t have a knack for Stats.

“Yes!” Layla squeals.

“How’d you do?” I hear Jamie ask her.

“An A,” Layla answers.

“As usual I bet,” Jamie says.

“Always,” she says, and winks.

For some reason, the word “always” causes Jamie to drop his mouth. She smiles at him, collects her paper, then heads out the door.

I flip over the assignment.

F.

I flip it back.

I got an F. I have never gotten an F in my entire life.

It’s official. I’m going to fail out of business school.

Jamie slaps his hand on his head. “I’m such an idiot.”

At least I’m not the only one who screwed up. “You didn’t do well?”

“No, I got a B-plus. I just realized who the girl in the shower was.”

What the hell is he talking about? I ignore him and stuff the stupid assignment into my bag, and head toward the library. Group meeting number seven hundred and twenty. Not that it matters if I attend or not. I don’t say anything, anyway.

F. Failure. Fuck. What a bitch that Gold is. I knew I wouldn’t like female teachers. Not that I’m doing much better in any of my other classes. I’m going to fail everything. I am going into debt for nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. That’s what I am. Nothing. A big fat zero.

That’s one statistic I can count on.

I sit mutely through another boring group meeting until it dawns on me that they couldn’t care less if I’m there or not, so I feign exhaustion and leave. I’m not even in the mood for dinner. I buy a bag of barbecue chips from the vending machine and climb into bed. I turn on my reading lamp and open a GQ .

At eight, someone knocks on the door. “Kimmy? Honey? Are you there?” It’s Jamie. I don’t answer.

At eight-thirty the phone rings, but I don’t answer. It rings again at eight-forty. Jamie, again, I’m sure. How did I get here? Why am I hiding away in a tiny room on a creaky bed? Right. Wayne. I was running from Wayne. I miss Wayne. Where is Wayne? Maybe I should call Wayne.

I know phoning Wayne is a bad idea. But I’m going to do it, anyway. I pick up the phone and dial his number. I’m allowed to call an ex-boyfriend to say hello. Of course I am. It’s not a crazy thing to do. Pathetic, maybe, but not crazy.

One ring. Two. Maybe I should hang up.

“Hello?” a woman says. Cheryl has answered the phone.

I should hang up. But what if he has caller ID? I kick myself for not using star 67. Calling and hanging up when the person has caller ID is worse than calling and saying hello. “Is Wayne there?” I don’t like the name Wayne. Never did. I always picture the obnoxious, fat older brother from The Wonder Years .

“Who is it?” she asks.

You know who it is, you stupid skank. I should hang up. Slam the phone down in her face. I should.

“It’s Kimmy. Who’s this?” Take that, bitch.

“Kimmy…hi.” She slows down the hi as though I’m mentally challenged. “It’s Cheryl.”

“Cheryl. How are you?” I put on my fake high-pitched voice, the one I use when talking to my grandmother’s friends whose names I can never remember.

“I’m well, thanks.” Her tone sounds confused-my question was nice, my enthusiasm high, but she knows I wish she’d be squashed by a falling house. “You?”

“I’m fantastic. I’m in business school now, did you know? I love it. Just love it. Time of my life. And what about you? What are you doing these days?”

She’s working as a waitress at El Condo’s Mexican Restaurant. That’s why I can ask the question. I know what I’m doing is so much better than what she’s doing. As long as she doesn’t toss up an “I’m waitressing but in my spare time I’m modeling for Victoria’s Secret” on me.

“Nothing new.” Ha! She can’t even say it, she’s too embarrassed. “Wayne’s not here right now. And I’m running out. Should I ask him to call you back? Is everything all right?”

“Oh, everything’s fine.” What does that mean he’s not there? Why is she answering the phone? Are they living together? ARE THEY LIVING TOGETHER? “Just calling to say hello. See how the two of you are.” I must find out if they’re living together. How can I find out? Who can I ask? “Well, take care.” Take care not to walk into a passing truck. Which I’ll be driving.

“Oh, you, too.”

Slam. I stare at the phone for the next twenty minutes. She must have left by now. I press the code to block my number and call back.

Her voice is on his damn machine.

“Hi, everyone! You’ve reached Cheryl and Wayne and we can’t come to the phone. If you leave a message, we’ll call you back as soon as we can. Bye!”

They’re living together. How can they already be living together? And in the apartment I helped him fix up! I chose the paint, I shopped for his linen, I picked out the couch-I spent four hours on various furniture Web sites finding that couch. Does she like the couch? Have they had sex on it? What about the comforter? Suddenly I understand why dogs pee to mark their territory. I’ve had sex in that apartment, too, you know. Does she know? Does she know where we’ve had sex in that apartment? Everywhere. We had a lot of sex in that apartment.