Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

She hadn’t replied yet. He’d written her three weeks ago.

Savannah jumped when the front door closed. She’d spaced out, staring at the computer, feeling completely undone and not knowing what to do next. She scrambled to close the email client and was shutting the computer down when she heard Jessie call, “Mom?”

Relief flooded her. She went out to the foyer and saw her daughter looking as though she hadn’t slept in a week. Her cheeks were red, her hair damp at the temples. “I saw your bag.” Jessie nodded to the carry-on leaning against the wall. “I didn’t know you were coming home.”

“I just got in a bit ago. Last minute decision. Where were you so late at night?”

“Went for a run at the church’s gym.”

Savannah smiled. They actually did share something in common. “I didn’t know you ran.”

“Big surprise.”

Jessie turned to go upstairs. Savannah followed her. “Listen, Jessie, can we talk? I’ve had some revelations the last couple days, and one of them pertains to you.”

“Whatever.”

She followed her to her room and sat on the bed while Jessie sat on the floor and began to stretch. She didn’t make eye contact with Savannah at all, acted as though she wasn’t even in the room. Savannah decided to just forge ahead and see what happened. “I realized the other day I have a tendency to brush your troubles aside and not be very sympathetic. I tell you to buck up and get over it and don’t really give you the space you might need to deal with things the way you want to. And I don’t often give you a lot of encouragement or support. I guess… I guess I just wanted to make sure you knew how to take care of yourself, that you wouldn’t be one of those girls always looking for some boy’s shoulder to cry on. I wanted you to be independent and strong-and you are strong, but…” Savannah sighed. “Anyway, I hope you know what I’m trying to say.”

Jessie snorted. “And?”

“And?”

“All that and no apology. That’s pathetic, Mom.”

“Didn’t I just apologize?”

“No. There was nothing apologetic there but your tone, and after the last ten years I deserve a lot more than that.”

Savannah was wounded, but knew she’d earned that comment. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Real heartfelt.”

“No, Jessica, listen: I’m really, really sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive to your frustrations, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me to be, and… I’m sorry if you felt like you weren’t as important to me as A &A was.”

Jessie finally looked her in the eye, but her expression was anything but forgiving. “Buzz words. You’ve been talking to Dad.”

“Well… yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not being honest. I know this doesn’t excuse it, but in my head, I was justifying the time I spent away from you because I thought the work I was doing at A &A would help make the world a better place for you. I was trying to reshape what it meant to be a Christian woman, trying to make it a better experience for women now and women in the future, like you. But I didn’t think about how your womanhood would be shaped by your childhood, and by how absent I was from it. I’m sorry.”

Jessie’s stare locked on Savannah’s for a moment more before she finally broke the connection and stood. “Shocker. You finally figured it out.”

“Yes, I did. And I’m here now and I want to do what I can to help. I know you don’t necessarily trust me right now, and I understand why. I won’t push you to share with me what’s going on, but I do want to know, and I do want to help if I can.”

Jessie eyed her warily. “Let me think about it. I’m going to go take a shower.”

“Go right ahead. Are you hungry? I’ll make us something to eat. Do you know when your father will be home?”

“No. I don’t even know where he is.”

“Alright then. Come on down when you’re ready; I’ll go cook something up.”

Savannah went downstairs, pride still smarting but feeling far more confident in the restoration of their relationship than she’d expected to be. She opened the cupboards, searching for comfort food, and was pleasantly surprised when she found what she was looking for.

Jessie appeared half an hour later, her hair still wet. “Waffles?”

“I always find carbs comforting.”

Savannah put a plate of two waffles in front of Jessie, along with a glass of milk. “So.”

“So.”

“Dad told me about Adam.”

Jessie’s eyes went to her plate and stayed there. “Yeah.”

“That was incredibly shallow of him.”

“I don’t know… I don’t feel like I can really blame him.”

“Why not?”

“Because it makes sense he’d be so hurt. And what if our roles had been reversed-would I really want to go see his parents, spend Christmas day with them, knowing they’d put you out of a job?”

Savannah was encouraged by how little judgment was in Jessie’s tone. “I understand his loyalty to his family, and what a tight spot this has put them in. Ministries operate very differently from businesses. The knowledge of a higher purpose involved and a shared belief system breaks down those formal, business-like walls that people tend to erect between themselves and their superiors. We were all like family at A &A; which was good. But when life happens and businesses fail, people need to realize it wasn’t done intentionally. Nothing personal was meant by it. Mistakes have been made that I’m just now finding out about, and those mistakes are part of what led to A &A’s demise. I don’t want to go into details,” she added when she saw Jessie look up with curiosity, “because I want to make sure I’ve got all my facts straight-and I need to talk to your father to do that. But point being-Adam should have known our family better than to think we’d ever hurt his family – or anyone – on purpose. We didn’t ‘screw them over.’ The money ran out and we had to close down.”

Jessie nodded a little as she cut her waffle across the gridlines. “I guess that makes some sense. I’m just… I’m mad at God that all this happened. I don’t see how any of this can turn out well.”

Savannah brought her own plate to the bar and sat beside her daughter. “I know how that feels, believe me. At least your anger is yours”

“Yeah… Dad told me about the whole cellular memories thing.” She looked sideways at Savannah. “I’m having a hard time believing it. Sounds a little kooky to me.”

“It sounds kooky to me, too. But what other theories are there to explain it all?” She poured maple syrup over the waffles, wishing she had some strawberries. “But the good news is that I had started therapy back in Georgia, and I think it’s helping.”

“Really?”

“Yes. The folks at The Refuge are pretty remarkable. I hope you get to meet Tabitha someday. And Aniyah. The cooking this woman does, let me tell you…”

They continued to talk after dinner about Savannah’s experiences in Georgia and Jessie’s trials at school, until the clock on the mantel struck 2:30 and Jessie decided to turn in. Savannah sat in the living room with the remains of her coffee, longing for Aniyah’s sweet tea and reflecting on the last three hours she’d spent with her daughter. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d talked that long. She wasn’t actually sure they ever had.

But as the night settled around her, the warmth from their conversation gave way to a chill at the memory of what she’d found in Shaun’s office. She was getting anxious to hear the whole story. When would Shaun get home?

By 3:30, she was worried that he wouldn’t.