Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

Angie’s parents-her mother, especially-had always treated Jessie like she was part of the family. It had been a long time since she’d seen them, given how infrequently she and Angie were able to get together these days. But their home was the safest place Jessie could think of, and as exhaustion threatened to put her asleep at the wheel, she knew she had to stop somewhere. It was the most logical place to go.

But once she was in the driveway of their stone ranch, she was overwhelmed with embarrassment. It was just past five a.m., the eastern sky glowing with the impending sunrise. She couldn’t just knock on their door now. Instead, she wrote Sleeping in the backseat ~Jessie on a napkin and gently closed their screen door on it, then climbed into the back of her car and proceeded once more to weep.

It was like finding out she was adopted, that the people she’d called Mom and Dad her whole life were just stand-ins for the people who held the titles by biology. No one was who they said they were. The anchors of her life were gone.

No, not true. What about God?

An excellent question. And one she didn’t feel emotionally prepared to answer right now.

But plenty of other questions needed to be answered instead. What now? Where to go? What to do? Who to trust? Each was daunting, but vital. Without answers she was adrift and alone, when what she really needed was someone to wrap their arms around her and let her know her life could be salvaged.

Through her tears she spied the slim leather-bound Bible she’d kept in her car since high school. She pulled it from the seat-back pocket and held it to her face. Its smell brought back memories of youth group meetings and after-school Bible studies, back in the days when she was embarrassed by her mother’s rising fame and struggling to come to terms with the Savannah she knew and the Savannah everyone assumed her mother was. Through it all, she’d never doubted God, never confused her frustration toward her mother with what she believed. Somewhere along the years she’d learned not to blame God for the actions of his followers, and the realization that these new revelations about her parents did nothing to alter God’s character or promises brought on a wave of relief. She opened the book to the Psalms and began to read, searching for the verses where David’s struggles and pain drove him to beg for God’s mercy and compassion. She could certainly relate to him tonight.

A TAPPING ON THE GLASS startled Jessie awake. The kind face of Angie’s mother, Gayle, almost brought on her tears again, and she rolled down the window as she felt the flush of self-consciousness warm her face.

“That can’t be comfortable.” Gayle smiled. “You know we have a perfectly serviceable guest room you could have slept in.”

“I didn’t get here until five.”

“Ah, then I understand. Hungry?”

Jessie gave her a sheepish nod. “A little.”

“Come on in. Lyle is out of town and I’d love some company.”

Jessie climbed out of the backseat and tried in vain to smooth out her rumpled pajamas. Gayle eyed her as she held open the door for her. “You actually changed into your pajamas to sleep in your car?”

Jessie gave an embarrassed chuckle. “I was already in them when I left the house.”

“Ah. Gotcha.” She pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “Coffee?”

“Thanks.”

Gayle placed a steaming mug in front of Jessie, then pulled a box of pancake mix from the pantry. “I’m going to guess that whatever sent you driving around town in the middle of the night is serious enough to warrant pancakes, but if you’re really in the mood for cereal I’ve got Cheerios, too.”

“Pancakes would be great.” A small smile tugged at her lips. “I always find carbs comforting. But,” she added quickly, “you don’t have to go to all that trouble.”

“Nonsense, I’m happy to do it.” She glanced at Jessie with eyebrows arched as she poured the mix into a bowl. “So what happened?”

Jessie stirred milk and sugar into her coffee as she recounted the last few weeks in flat narrative. Her emotions felt turned off now, as though they’d gotten used up over the last twenty-four hours. When she reached the end she gave a little shrug. “So I’m out of school now, and just… I don’t know. I don’t know what comes next. You know, my mom and I had an almost decent conversation last night, although I’m still not at all prepared to let bygones be bygones and pretend like everything’s fine now. But now, knowing what really happened with A &A, feeling like the rug got pulled out from under me… I don’t have the energy to try to work on things with her. And it sucks, because I feel like we might have had a chance, like she was starting to come around. But all this stuff… I’m just so overwhelmed by it. I want to just lump her and Dad and Adam and everything into one giant ball and throw the whole thing out, even if they don’t all deserve it. And I know that’s stupid, but…”

Gayle set a short stack of pancakes in front of Jessie. “It’s not stupid at all. Of course you’re overwhelmed. I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t expect you to jump up and start sorting things out; sometimes it takes a while after the dust has settled before you can really start working on things, untangling them and fixing them. But I have to say I think you’re handling things very well.”

Jessie rolled her eyes and smiled. “I ran away in the middle of the night.”

“A very honest response, believe me. You needed space to think. Perfectly acceptable. Although,” her tone changed as she raised a brow, “please tell me your parents aren’t wandering Colorado Springs looking for you.”

Jessie squeezed her eyes shut and slumped in her seat. “Um…”

“Can you at least text them?”

“I didn’t bring my phone.”

“Alright then. Why don’t you use mine, or get on our computer and email them. I can understand not wanting to call, but if it were Angie at your parents’ place I’d be mad if they didn’t make her tell me she was okay.”

Jessie sighed. “You’re right. Okay. Can I use your phone?”

Gayle gave Jessie her cell, and she tapped in a quick message. J here. I’m ok. Be home later. “If they call back, I don’t want to talk to them.”

“Fair enough.”

Gayle let Jessie eat in silence, refilling her coffee and adding pancakes to the plate as she finished. Eventually Jessie held up a hand. “I’m stuffed. That was really good. Thank you.”

“Sometimes crises make you ravenous.”

Jessie chuckled. “Yeah.”

“So now what? You’re more than welcome to stay here for the day. I promise to leave you alone, unless you want something to do, in which case I’ll commandeer your help in organizing my sewing room.”

Jessie smiled. “Thanks for the offer. But, as much as I don’t want to, I should probably go home. I’m sorry for crashing your breakfast.”

Gayle laughed. “Hardly, sweetheart. I’m glad you came.” She laid a kind hand on Jessie’s arm. “And listen. I want you to know that we’ll never judge you based on what your parents do. And honestly, I don’t think many people will. And those that do – well, they’re not the kinds of people you need to be associating with anyway.” She smiled. “Your parents are human. They’ve made huge mistakes, just like the vast majority of people on this planet. But you’re not your parents. You can learn from this, and I’m sure it will affect you, but it doesn’t have to define you. God’s plan for you hasn’t changed in the light of all this – nor has his plan for your parents changed. God knew it all was coming. It’s a lie from Satan that your life is ruined because of their decisions. It’s not ruined. It’s just unfolding.”