Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

“This street preacher used to come down to the tent city and talk about God. Most folks didn’t like him, thought he was gonna rat on them to the police or something. But all he ever did was talk about God loving people, even when they was all messed up. One day he saw me watching him, and he came right over to me and said, ‘Sister, he was bruised for your transgressions and crushed for your iniquities because he loves you.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about, but it sounded like a lot to go through just to love someone like me.”

She tugged at a thread on her sleeve. “But then I’d think about Auntie and what she said about God, and I figured Street Preacher didn’t know enough about me, ‘cause if he did he’d know God could never love someone like me. And besides, why would I want him to? What had he done for me? I was a homeless druggie prostitute – a whole Bible worth of sins rolled into one, and ain’t nothing lovable about that.”

She looked to Tabitha and smiled. “But then one day this white woman comes walking down by the tent city, looking all pulled together and nice. I saw her and thought she’d be done for, but it was like nobody saw her but me. I was on the corner, looking for customers, and she stopped and said, ‘God told me to help you. Can I please help you?’”

All eyes turned to Tabitha, who shrugged and grinned. “Well, he did.”

“That was the first time I thought maybe Street Preacher was right. Maybe God was trying to look out for me. Maybe this white lady was an angel. So’s I didn’t even let myself think about it, I just said okay. She walked me to her car, and it was like we was invisible, nobody was looking at us like they shoulda been – this cleaned-up white woman and this dirty black lady that looked like a skeleton. She took me to a rehab place and checked me in and come to visit me every day. And when I was finally clean, she brought me here.”

Tabitha shrugged again at the faces that looked to her in awe. “Nothing like that had ever happened to me before, but truly, I felt like God told me to find her and help her. I was on the other side of town, meeting with a psychologist that had been working with spiritual abuse cases, and when I left I got this impression to turn right at this one street, so I did. Then left at another, then right again, and then I saw an open parking spot on the street and just grabbed it. And then it was like God said, ‘Just start walking.’ I figured I’d know what I was supposed to do when I came to it, but I will admit I was nervous – that was not a good part of town. But when I saw her, I just… knew. Knew she was the one God meant for me to find, knew she needed to get clean. Some good friends of mine – they’re like my adoptive parents, actually-paid for her rehab.”

“But you weren’t a believer before, right, Aniyah?” Savannah asked. “Why did you come here?”

Tabitha answered. “I told her about The Refuge and we figured together that, if nothing else, this would be a safe place for her to be. Alanna-she helped me start The Refuge – she was the one in charge of the kitchen, but her husband was being relocated and we knew we had to find someone else. I asked Aniyah if she wanted to try her hand at cooking, in exchange for free room and board and, if she wanted, therapy.”

“I wasn’t gonna say no, not to a roof over my head and decent food. Plus, how could I say no to the woman who saved my life?”

Aniyah pulled one sneakered foot beneath herself and continued. “So Alanna taught me some basic cooking stuff, and when I wasn’t working I would sit in group therapy or just talk with folks. I didn’t tell no one why I was really there; they all just thought I was the new cook. And after a while I started thinking about how different these God people was from my auntie. For a while I was real confused-I mean, if one person says God loves you, and another says God hates you because you’re a sinner, then who do you believe? People like Tabitha here was making me want to believe God was real and really did love me, but then I’d remember Auntie, and I didn’t wanna get involved with him if she was the one who was right.

“So one day I told Tabitha I needed to figure God out once and for all. Was he good like she said, or just waiting to zap me like Auntie said? So she gave me a Bible and said, ‘Just start reading, and we’ll talk.’ Now, I’d read the Bible before; Auntie made me write it out word for word sometimes, when she thought I was being bad. But I’d never just read it straight, you know? And I didn’t get a lot of it, but Tabitha and I, we talked about the parts I got stuck on, and after a while I started thinking Auntie must have got it all real wrong. God seemed mighty patient with his stupid children. And then when Jesus came-whooee, that was love like I’ve never seen! I read through those gospels in just a couple nights. And when I was done, I thought, this is what I want. I want this Jesus. And I knew Jesus and God was like a package deal, and I decided that was okay. Because that God, in the Bible, was nothing like the God Auntie tried to teach me about. This one loved me, and was sad I had to go through such a rotten life.”

The room was silent as Aniyah paused, her lip trembling and tears glistening in her eyes. She pushed a corner of her sleeve to her eyes, then said, “Anyways, that’s why I’m here, and that’s why I stay. ‘Cause I love God and I love to take care of the people who’re trying to find him again. Now, you gotta excuse me while I go finish up making your lunch.” She stood and hurried out, head bowed, while the Refugees showered her with applause.

Tabitha began to talk, but Savannah didn’t hear her. Her mind was churning, not just in shock from her friend’s story, but with the frenzied pinballing of ideas on the verge of breaking through. As soon as the session was over Savannah skipped lunch and went to her room to think.

Legs folded beneath her on the bed, she sat with her notebook and pen, staring out the window at the orchard as she worked on the knot of thoughts in her head. After a few minutes she began to write. Charlie was mad at God because of the betrayal he experienced of both his father and his neighbor. He projected the unloving, unprincipled characters of these two men onto God. He heard God was loving, but didn’t understand why a loving God would let happen the things that he experienced. Charlie believed God had abandoned him just as his father had abandoned him. He was unwilling to believe anything that might paint God in a better light, because he couldn’t get past his own hurt.

It wasn’t identical to Aniyah’s story, but the parallels were there. Both had made assumptions about God based on the very ungodly actions of other people. But, unlike Charlie, Aniyah had gone to the source to figure out once and for all who God really was. It was then Savannah realized she’d allowed her thoughts and feelings – or, more accurately, Charlie’s – to dictate what she thought about God, rather than going back to the source and reminding herself what was really true.

She flipped the page and began writing again, her words scrawled with haste. WHAT I KNOW TO BE TRUE ABOUT GOD:

She concentrated on the view again as she fought to recall the things she’d once believed about God. These she wrote slowly, wanting to make sure she was getting them right, as she forced herself not to analyze whether or not she actually agreed with them.

· God’s ways are not man’s ways/when we don’t understand why he’s doing or not doing something, it’s because of our own lack of knowledge

· The existence of evil does not disprove the existence of God

· Just because we think God has abandoned us does not mean he actually has

· God does not leave his children