Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

She shrugged off his hand and slipped from the barstool to open the fridge and pull out the milk. “I haven’t been real thrilled with how God has handled things lately. I don’t know how willing I am to trust that he’s going to snap his fingers and make all this okay.”

He wished he could admit he felt the same way, but he wasn’t about to feed into her own struggle and doubt with his own. Though hearing her speak like that made him sad-and even more stressed. If she were to find out what was going on-if A &A really did collapse-he’d be just as much to blame for her walking away from God as Savannah would be.

He responded with something lame, hoping it didn’t sound as phony to her. He poured them both coffee, but she excused herself, taking her mug to her bedroom and shutting the door. Shaun slumped onto the couch and prayed for what he realized was the first time in weeks. You’ve got to show me how to fix this. I’ve got to fix this. Tell me what to do.

He stared at the trees, waiting for an answer, and tried not to assume the ever-stronger impression that closing A &A was actually from God. Surely that was his own fear talking. Why would God want to shut down such an important ministry? Regardless, nothing is going to get fixed if we’re not talking to each other. He had to go to Georgia. He had to get face-to-face with Savannah and talk all this through. It had been less than a week since she’d been gone, but already it felt like a month. The distance between them grew exponentially with every day that passed. They needed to reconnect, fast.

He took his coffee to his office and looked up their frequent flyer miles, only to discover Savannah had dipped into them for both her flight to Georgia and to Kansas. There weren’t enough left for him to book a round-trip ticket. He cursed under his breath and debated the importance of the trip for just a moment, then looked up a flight and tried to book it.

I’m sorry, your purchase did not go through. Please check your credit card account number and try again.

Shaun’s stomach sank. Please Jesus, help me.

TABITHA APPEARED AT THE KITCHEN door. “Shaun’s here.”

Savannah nearly chopped her knuckles into the onions. “Okay, thanks. I’ll be out in a minute.”

Tabitha shut the door and Savannah groaned.

“Who’s this Shaun?” Aniyah asked, eyebrows arched.

“My husband.”

“He come to visit you? Aw, that’s sweet.”

A snort escaped. “It’s not a visit. More like a business meeting.”

Aniyah tsked. “Don’t be assuming the worst, now.”

“It’s not an assumption, trust me.” She slid a finger down the side of the knife, knocking minced vegetables to the cutting board. “Into the pot?”

“Yeah. Thanks for helping. You spoiling me. Gonna miss you when you go.”

“Well, hopefully that won’t happen for a while.” She hadn’t admitted that to Tabitha yet, fearing she’d be given a deadline. But the thought of returning to Colorado put a knot in her chest that made it hard to breathe.

Being in Georgia was so lovely. It was easy to forget about Colorado, about A &A, about her family, when she was surrounded by such warm and loving people who didn’t press her to be anyone other than who she felt she was right then. The others at The Refuge understood how wounds of the soul could change you on a deep level. They didn’t expect you to fake it or try to deny your pain. Not that the pain she felt was actually hers. None of them knew that, though. And knowing it didn’t make anything any easier for her.

But with Shaun here, she couldn’t live in her pretty Georgia world of denial. She had to face what was going on back home because of her. And since she couldn’t do anything about any of it, she didn’t really want to face it.

She dawdled as much as she dared, then went to the sitting room where she and Tabitha had talked the first day she’d arrived. He was sitting in one of the corner seats by the window, staring out at the orchard of leafless trees. It had been only a week-how was it that he already felt like a stranger?

“Hi.”

He looked up at her. For a moment she could have sworn he didn’t recognize her. “Hey.”

They didn’t touch. She sat down in the chair diagonal from him and tried to muster some affection, or even a feeling of friendliness. It didn’t work. “I’ve been meaning to ask you. I tried to use the Visa the other day and it was denied. What’s that about?”

He waved a hand. “Just a glitch. It happened to me, too. Use the Mastercard until I get it sorted out.”

She thought about that for a moment, but couldn’t get it to make sense. “What is there to sort out?”

“I don’t know. They’re looking into it.”

She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think you’re being honest with me.”

He sighed, and his expression aged him ten years. “Look, Savannah, I was hoping we’d be able to… to think through some things a little more level-headedly if I came out here. I don’t want to get into any arguments.”

She worked to keep her tone even. “I’m not trying to get into an argument. I’m trying to get a straight answer.”

“We need to talk about more important things.”

“More important than why you’re evading my questions?”

“A &A is going under.” She shut her mouth, eyes wide as Shaun continued. “We’re barely making ends meet. We have no way to budget for the future because we have no idea what our income will be next month, much less for the next quarter. Your book is selling, and numbers have gone up for your backlist, but none are as high as we’d hoped. We don’t have the book tour income we’d been counting on, and in fact lost money when we canceled-”

“You don’t have to remind me, I know what happened,” she snapped.

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty -”

“Oh no? Look, I know I cost the ministry money, I know I’m to blame -”

“Look I’m not trying to blame you.” He stopped, took a deep breath, started again with his tone lowered. “I’m just trying to lay everything out on the table. This is what we’re dealing with, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep things together over there. The fact is we’re falling apart, and without you at the helm we’re doomed.”

She swallowed hard. The joy at the thought of not having that weight on her shoulders anymore was buried by the horror of costing her staff their jobs and casting such a shameful light on her family. “So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I think we need to shut it down.”

“What? No.”

“Then tell me how to keep it open.”

“I don’t know. That’s not my department.”

Shaun scoffed. “No, your department is writing books and speaking about them, and you’re not doing either one.”

Savannah blinked back tears. “Well, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t pay the bills. We need to close, the sooner the better.”

Savannah hugged herself, the cold in her chest seeming to course through every vein of her body. “I can’t believe it’s coming to this.”

Surprise joined frustration in his face. “I can’t believe you’re not jumping at the chance to shut it down. You don’t even believe in the ministry’s mission anymore, what do you care if it thrives or dies?”

“Because that ministry is the culmination of my blood, sweat, and tears! It’s not like I’ve forgotten who I was before all this happened, Shaun. We both gave the last ten years of our lives to that place. How can you think I’d be happy to close it?”

“You may not have forgotten who you were, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re not that person anymore. The new Savannah is making it pretty clear that the priorities from her old life are out the window.”