Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

Frustrated, she closed her eyes and fought tears. She hated crying when people might see her. She also hated being so weak, a prisoner to the strength-sucking heart disease that was hindering her from living the life she loved. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so still and unproductive.

The light bulb in her spirit went off again, just as it had the day before. She was doing it again-trying to do, do, do instead of just abiding with God and letting their time together overflow from her heart and into the way she ministered. That’s how A &A-Abide and Abound-had gotten its start. She was embarrassed to see how few hours it had taken to fall back into the trap of treating her relationship with God like a means to a career.

Savannah reached for the Bible that was still sitting on the bed beside her. She set it on the laptop and opened it to the Psalms again, her new favorite book. After sitting still for a moment to catch the breath that was stolen from her nearly every time she moved, she began to read, soaking up the words and trying to focus on God alone instead of the noise of the hospital and the urge in her head to keep doing. She didn’t last long before her eyes closed against her will, the muscles too spent to continue. Prayer became her next outlet, and occupied her until she fell asleep again.

SHAUN DIALED NICK’S EXTENSION, IGNORING the fist in his gut. “Hey, it’s Shaun. Listen, I’m tied up for pretty much the rest of the day, but could you stop by my office before you leave this evening?”

Nick was amiable, as always, and Shaun indulged in a brief moment of self-hate before going back to the budget he’d been reviewing. At least Nick was single – no family to support, no girlfriend to disappoint, at least not that Shaun knew of. He tended not to get too close to his accountants.

Shaun had spent most of the day combing through the budget, thinking the stingiest, most miserly thoughts he could to try to find more places to cut back. The biggest possibility was in relocating to a cheaper building. If they could slice off at least a quarter of their rent, he’d feel a lot better. And with one less cubicle needed, they’d fit in a smaller space. The fact that he was about to get a whole salary back into the coffers helped, too, though he didn’t feel nearly as good about that.

Nick knocked on Shaun’s door at five o’clock. Shaun felt the tremble start in his hands as he waved him in. He began to clean up the mess of papers on his desk to give them something to do for a moment. “Hey, Nick, take a seat.”

Nick sat just in time to catch the container of pens that teetered off the back edge of Shaun’s desk when it was pushed by a mound of paper. “Didn’t get a chance to ask you today, how’s Savannah?”

“Ah – still hanging in there. Thanks for asking,” he said with a terse smile. Why did Nick have to be such a nice guy? “Nick, I – I’m going to just get right down to it, and I hope you’ll forgive me for not giving you a little more warning. With Savannah and all, I’ve been a bit distracted, but I knew I had to get on with this.” He cleared his throat, clutched his trembling hands out of sight in his lap. “You’re the accountant, so you know that our budget is tight, and this economy is struggling.” Nick nodded along with him, a politely curious look on his face. “You haven’t been here long, and I know I never went over with you the trends in giving this organization has seen since its inception ten years ago, but I’m confident, unfortunately, that the resource and book purchases are going to continue to decrease as our economy continues to struggle. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I’m a stock-market-playing kind of guy, and I make it my job to know what the market is doing so I know how to best invest and sell. Everything is pointing to things getting much worse before they get any better.”

Nick cocked his head. “Really? I thought things were already starting to get better.”

Shaun shook his head. “No. It looks that way on the surface, but the foundation of the market is cracking. Point being, we as a ministry need to start planning now, while we’re still in the black and not in crisis mode. We need to prepare for the day our giving and sales drop off so we can stay afloat. I’ve been trying to think of ways we can tighten our belts here, start stashing more into our savings, and one of the ways I can help make that happen is by taking on more responsibilities. One of the jobs I’m qualified to do here is the accounting.”

Understanding dawned in Nick’s eyes. “Ah… I see.”

“You’ve done an excellent job in the short time you’ve been here, Nick, and I can’t tell you how awful I feel letting you go. But we’ll give you a month’s severance and a glowing recommendation, which I hope will get you back into the job force somewhere soon.” Shaun slid a confidentiality notice across the now-cleared desk, then held out a pen to Nick. “I’ll stay late; you can take whatever time you need to clean out your desk.”

Nick’s expression clouded as he took the pen. “Oh, so – today?”

Shaun held his gaze steady. “I’m afraid so.”

Nick studied the confidentiality notice for a moment, then opened his mouth as though to speak, but quickly shut it again and signed. “I’m sorry I won’t get to see Savannah before I leave. Please let her know Christy and I are praying for her.”

“Christy?”

“My girlfriend.”

Dang it. “Oh. Well, thank you, to you and Christy, and I will definitely let Savannah know.” He stood and shook Nick’s hand before he left, then waited for the door to close and Nick to disappear from view before vomiting his lunch into the trash.

THREE DAYS LATER, THE LAPTOP and the book both lay forgotten on the table beside her bed. She spent most of her time sleeping now, partly to escape the pain that was worsening in her torso, but mostly because she simply couldn’t stay awake.

Her mind was having a heyday, however, playing out in dreams all the things she couldn’t do in reality. This time it was a marathon. She’d never run a marathon before, never even had the inclination, but here she was, flying past the cheering crowds that lined the street in some nameless city. They were shouting her name in unison, urging her on; she could see the ribbon stretched across the lanes in the distance. Van. Van. Van.

“Van? Van? Hey, babe, it’s me. Wake up.”

The scene faded away as Savannah came back to consciousness in slow motion, her senses awakening one at a time. She opened her eyes and saw not only Shaun, but the cardiologist as well. Neither knew how to keep their thoughts off their faces.

She smiled at Shaun and lifted a finger in greeting. “Hey.” Her voice was barely a whisper.

Shaun kissed her forehead. “Hey, babe. I’m sorry to wake you up, but Dr. Wells wanted to talk to us; I knew you’d want to hear everything firsthand.”

She nodded, then raised her brows at the doctor whose lousy poker face made her aching heart sink. “Your face… gives you away.”

He gave her a faint smile. “One of these days I’ll have to take an acting class.” He held her file, which had grown thick in the five days since she’d been admitted, but didn’t look through it like he usually did as he spoke. “I wish I had better news-or at least an explanation. But I don’t. Your body just isn’t responding like we’d expected to the medications. Your ejection fraction is still dropping; the last reading was 18%. For it to get back up to 60% now would be a miracle; I’ve never seen a recovery that major. We think it’s time for a transfer to University Hospital up in Aurora.”

Savannah felt Shaun’s hand tighten around hers. The sound of his breathing changed; she knew he was fighting back tears. She tried to squeeze back and hoped he could feel her feeble attempt.