Alison Strobel - The Heart of Memory

She was about to give up and just go in when the word honesty came to her. “But I’ve been honest before. Haven’t I?” She sat with that thought for a moment, waiting to see if God revealed anything else. Honest in my responses to her, yes. Honest with my feelings, no.

She’d never told Savannah flat-out how their messed-up relationship bothered her, or how Savannah’s criticism hurt, or how Savannah’s lack of interest in Jessie’s life made her feel like her mother didn’t really care about her as a person. It was time to lay it all out on the table-or, at least, to stop biting back her true feelings and opting instead for snark and sarcasm. If she didn’t start it now, she might never get the chance; and if, God forbid, Savannah really did die, Jessie didn’t want to spend the rest of her life wondering how different things might have been if she’d just spoken her mind.

But could she do it?

“Oh boy,” she sighed. “God, help me.” The prayer seemed to be her new mantra. She turned off the car, pulled the laptop case from the front seat, and headed for the hospital.

SAVANNAH WAS WOKEN BY YET another nurse checking her vitals. She groaned but didn’t have the energy to open her eyes and administer a glare of annoyance. “Again? You have got to be kidding me.”

The nurse chuckled. “Oh honey, you’ll go right back to sleep. Not like there’s anything else for you to do.”

“You’re telling me.” Savannah sighed, then jumped when the phone rang. “Hallelujah, conversation.” She pried open her eyes and saw the nurse smirking as she handed Savannah the receiver. “Hello?”

“Hey, Mom, it’s me.”

Savannah warmed at the voice. “Oh, sweetheart, hello.”

“I’m downstairs, but if you don’t want visitors it’s totally okay-”

“Of course I’d like to see you. Come on up.” Savannah handed back the receiver with a smile. That was a pleasant surprise. Hopefully it would be pleasant, anyway. They hadn’t talked much since Savannah’s failed attempt at emotional intimacy with her daughter. Maybe this would give her a chance to redeem herself. She wouldn’t be out of the hospital before Jessie went back to school, and then her opportunities for conversations would be even more scarce.

Jessie’s face peeked in the door a few minutes later, just as Savannah was about to close her eyes again. “Sweetheart, come in,” Savannah said. “Thanks for coming. Oh, my laptop, wonderful. Just set the bag on the floor. I’ll get it later.” She reached out her hands to give Jessie a hug, noting with an ache the way the girl hesitated, eyeing the heart monitor before leaning down to her. Savannah hadn’t seen a mirror in two days; no doubt she looked awful.

“Did I wake you up? You look really tired. Like, really tired.”

Savannah gave her a wan smile. “I am. But I can sleep all day, so don’t worry. If I could get more than an hour’s sleep at a time I might feel better. They poke and prod you at all hours here. It’s ridiculous.”

Jessie’s eyes slid back to the machine. Savannah couldn’t blame her. It was almost eerie, seeing the little green line jumping like the stock market chart, just like in the movies. “It’s mesmerizing,” Savannah admitted. “I spend way too much time staring at it, like it’s going to do something different all of a sudden. Or stop.”

Jessie’s gaze snapped to hers, and Savannah winced.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to be so noir.”

Jessie turned her back to the machine and looked around the room. “So, Dad said you’re stuck here for a week?”

“Yes. A very long week. But the laptop will help, if I can find the stamina to use it. Sit down, if you want.” She nodded to the chair beside the bed and smiled. “Terribly uncomfortable, I’ll tell you right now. So are you working today?”

“At noon, yeah; I’ll have to leave in half an hour.”

“That’s fine, I understand. You were sweet to come in; I appreciate it.”

Jessie smiled slightly. “Sure.”

“So when do you go back to campus?”

Jessie smiled. Savannah loved how Jessie’s face lit up like Shaun’s when she was excited about something. “The 27th. That’s the day before the freshmen orientation starts, and Adam and I are in charge of the welcome dinner. In the past it’s been this casual thing, right? But we decided to make it sort of like a formal, with the jazz combo doing background music and some of the upperclassmen-”

“You know, when I started there in ‘79, they held a separate welcome party for the women. So few women enrolled they just set up a table in the kitchen. They gave us a welcome tea, with doilies on the table, like we were a bunch of grannies or something. We all just died laughing.”

The memory came from nowhere, and made her want to laugh again, if only she had the energy. That was the first day she’d met Tabitha. She hadn’t thought of her in years. She knew how sad it was to admit that. “I had that great Farrah Fawcett feathered ‘do and used half a can of Aqua Net to get it to stay.”

She caught Jessie’s unreadable expression and gave a weak chuckle. “My gosh, I sound like a granny. Actually, I feel like one today, too.” She closed her eyes briefly, trying to summon the strength to keep up the conversation without feeling like her chest was going to explode. “So, you must have your classes picked out, then?”

“We did that before school ended in May. I told you the classes I was taking when I got back, remember?”

“You did? Oh, that was right before I left for the tour, wasn’t it? I was probably distracted; tell me again.”

Jessie was silent for a moment, then said with a sigh, “Child psych, worldviews, 21st Century Issues, and language arts.”

“That’s an interesting load. I think my junior year I took six classes both semesters. It was the one year I really put the pedal to the metal. You should consider picking up a fifth class. You don’t want your senior year to be-”

“I’ve got all my semesters already planned out, Mom. I know what I’m doing.”

“I didn’t say you didn’t, Jess. I just don’t want you to be overwhelmed your senior year, that’s all. Leave space to enjoy it.”

“I’m not planning on graduating next year anyway, Mom. Dad and I talked about this, remember? I’m going to take an extra semester so I don’t have to kill myself with school and work.” She huffed out a breath. “I know he told you, you just don’t remember. As usual.”

Savannah frowned. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. It must be this stupid heart thing-”

“No, it’s not, Mom.” Jessie rolled her eyes. “This is how you always are. If it doesn’t pertain to you, you don’t remember and you just plain don’t care.”

Horror dawned on Jessie’s face. Before Savannah could think of a response to the completely unexpected accusation, Jessie hopped up from her seat as though electrocuted. “I should go; there was traffic.”

Savannah watched Jessie disappear, her heart wounded in another way. She and Jessie had never connected; she knew she wasn’t always the most attentive mother, but to insinuate that she was self-centered to the point of ignoring her only child – that was ridiculous.

She hit the call button, and a nurse arrived a moment later and pulled the laptop from its case and set it on Savannah’s lap. Her thoughts hummed around in her head, though her body barely had the strength to type. She opened her mind-mapping brainstorming program and began to slowly take notes. Surely she had a book somewhere in this mess. Certainly that’s what God was expecting her to do with this experience – turn it into a way to minister to other Christian women facing hardship.

Scripture re: illness/hardship/suffering. Comforting the afflicted. Other ppl’s stories, not just mine? She stopped frequently to let her thoughts play out or her mind wander, but also to rest her hands and eyes. She had fatigue in every muscle. She tried to be patient with herself and her limitations, but finally during yet another break she slapped the laptop shut with a grunt of anger.