Nan Rossiter - The Gin and Chowder Club

Asa stood by the window. The moon illuminated the tide’s incessant attempts to cling to the shore, only to be repeatedly forced to relinquish its grasp. Every so often, he saw a faint beam of light passing across the waves. He turned from the window and watched Noelle as she slept. He was still amazed that this woman had told him she loved him, had lain beside him, had made love to him. He slipped back between the sheets beside her, and somewhere, in the recesses of consciousness, realized with profound sadness that this night could never be lived again.

Noelle turned to him in her sleep and reached for his hand. Asa slipped his hand into hers and, closing his eyes, longed for time to slow down. All he ever wanted now was to taste, smell, touch, fully absorb every new sense again, sadly realizing that each incredible moment, once lived, would instantly become just a memory.

As all these thoughts swirled in Asa’s mind, he had no way of knowing how often the memory of this night would haunt him-how often in the years to come he would ache with the intense longing to live it again.

Sarah decided that she must have misunderstood. She had already walked along the water’s edge for at least an hour, carrying a plate of supper that had grown cold. She tried to remember exactly what he had said until, reluctantly, she finally turned back. Returning home, she didn’t sleep well, frequently waking with a start and picturing Asa alone trying to sleep in an uncomfortable truck. She woke early, made coffee, and was already sitting on the back porch with her Bible when the sun peeked over the horizon. She watched it creep upward into the dawn sky. It was only moments before the bright orange streak became a fully visible sphere. No other time during the day, she thought, was the rotation of Earth and the passage of time more evident. She turned to her Bible and tried to read. She hated it when she couldn’t concentrate. She set the book aside and closed her eyes. Forgive me, s he thought. I’m just worried about Asa. He seems so different lately. I wish I knew what was bothering him. I wish I knew where he was last night. She sat there for a long time until she finally heard the familiar sound of Asa’s old truck laboring on the grade. Thank you, s he whispered.

Asa trudged up the stairs and was startled to see Sarah sitting on the porch. He didn’t know why he was surprised-it was her spot first thing in the morning. He just wasn’t prepared to try to be himself so suddenly. He needed time to figure things out. Who was he now? His mind raced. A liar? A traitor? Someone who could betray his parents… and their dearest friend?

Just moments ago, he had kissed Noelle and held her, never wanting to let go. When he finally did, he felt as if part of him were tearing away, his soul grieving for the time already past. The memory of the last twelve hours continued to burn through him, including the last hour when Noelle quietly told him that Nate would return that afternoon and stay for the last week of summer. Intense flames of jealousy had seared through his entire being, consuming him with a fury of emotions.

In facing Sarah, however, Asa was forced to stand straight, deny this inner turmoil, and act as if nothing at all had happened to him. Tears burned at the edges of his eyes as he forced a smile.

“Hi,” Sarah began. “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay,” Asa said, scratching Martha’s head. “That old truck is far from comfortable.”

“Tell me again where you were stuck?”

Asa vaguely repeated the area of the beach near Race Point, and Sarah nodded thoughtfully. She realized with certainty that she hadn’t misunderstood.

“Who pulled you out?”

Asa’s mind raced. He had never lied to Sarah before, and now it was just one lie after another. Who could he say that his mother would not know? “N-nobody,” he stuttered. “I finally got it out using some driftwood.” That sounds so lame, he thought.

Sarah just nodded. “Well, I’m glad you’re home, safe and sound. You must be hungry.”

Asa wasn’t hungry at all, but he seized the opportunity to head inside and escape more questions-questions that could only be answered with more lies. He went into the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee. He had grown to like the taste, now with a little cream. He opened the refrigerator and immediately saw a covered plate of food. His stomach tightened. Was that just left over from last night, or had Mom brought it up to the beach for me? Asa leaned back against the counter and shut his eyes. He thought again of the night before and convinced himself that it was just his guilty conscience. Anyway, he didn’t care. He didn’t care if it was wrong. He didn’t care if he burned in hell; the devil could have him-as long as he could have this woman who had said she loved him…

After Asa left, Noelle sat on the stone steps with tears streaming down her cheeks. What have I done? She sat in the warm sun and shook uncontrollably. Is it possible to love two people? Is it love that I feel for Asa , or does he fill some lost longing? It happened so quickly . It felt so right. Now that he’s gone, though, it just feels wrong-so very, very wrong. Over and over, the words echoed in her mind. Oh, God, what have I done? How will I face Nate? How will I make love with him? Surely he will know. Through a blur of tears and remorse, Noelle stared at the empty bird feeder and tried to justify her actions. A cardinal came to the feeder but, finding it empty, flew away. Slowly, Noelle tried to pull herself together. Nate must never know. Asa said that my secrets were safe with him, but that hadn’t included this. God, he is just a boy-a boy with his whole future ahead of him. What right have I to do this to him? She remembered the look in his eyes, the sweet longing. I do love him, but this must never happen again. I will explain it to him, he will have to understand.

Resolutely, Noelle stood and dried her eyes. She took the bird feeder down and filled it. She went into the house, made coffee, and went upstairs. She reached into the linen closet for a towel and glanced over at the white sheets strewn about the bed. Tears burned her eyes again, but she squeezed them back and got undressed. Seeing her reflection in the mirror, she hesitated. This is what he saw . She ran her fingers across her breasts. This is what he touched. She ran her fingers down… God, I still want him.

Asa let the water wash the soap away. The thought had crossed his mind to never shower again, but he knew that was impossible. He closed his eyes and pictured Noelle lying beside him. He remembered the way it looked to push himself deep inside her, and he ached to have her again. He thought about what it would be like to shower together. Maybe next time. Then he realized he didn’t even know when next time would be. He slipped his hand down and tried to remember every detail of the night before as he leaned back, the water beating over him. God, I want her so much…

When Nate came home that afternoon, Noelle was on her hands and knees, washing the kitchen floor. She glanced up quickly and forced a smile.

“Don’t come in here. The floor’s wet.”

“I see that,” he said, leaning against the doorjamb. “When you’re done, though, you’re going to have to wash the sheets again.”

Noelle’s heart stopped. “Why’s that?” she asked without looking up.