Lesley Kagen: Land of a Hundred Wonders

I don’t remember a lot of details about Billy from before the crash ’cept that we used to run with the same crowd and when the stars came out we’d tell stories around a crackling fire. But one of the things Grampa has told me about Billy is that he used to possess his father’s Arrogance: Overbearing pride.“The war has taught that boy, like it’s taught many before him, that life is a delicate web, Gib. A thread is what we all hang by. That can be humblin’. And scary as hell.”

I set my briefcase down so I got my hands free to retrieve the present Billy’s left for me today. When he doesn’t take his tranquilizing medicine like he should, he can’t go into town. Billy says the pills make him feel numb and tired. Dry his lips out, too. But on the days he’s able to swallow those pills down, he runs, and I mean legpumpin’ runs , into Cray Ridge to buy me a little something and remains nearly calm. Sometimes I’ll find a sack of chocolate-covered cherries lying in the scooped-out bottom of our secret stump. (My absolute favorites!) Other times, he’ll leave me a story that has a snoopy reporter for the main character. Or a shiny ring, he’s real fond of those. Once Billy left me a jar full of rice.

“Ya find it?” he asks, somewhere closer now.

“Got it.” I bend down and draw a heart-shaped locket out of the stump, the sun making it glitter so. “Goodness! It’s absolutely the prettiest…,” I start to say, but the sound of rustling and someone relieving himself in the trees shuts me up quick. It’s not Billy I’m talking about here. Keeper neither. No. The both of them are much too mannerly to tinkle in the vicinity of a lady. I’ll tell you who it is that’s unzipped himself not ten feet away from me. It’s the devil’s right-hand man and the absolute scourge of me-Sneaky Tim Ray Holloway. (He tinkles a lot ’cause he drinks a lot. And is just about always waitin’ on me.)

Hope he didn’t hear me.

“Talkin’ to yerself again, darlin’?” Holloway asks, clawing outta the thicket.

Shoot.

Just by the look of him you’d never guess that Sneaky Tim Ray’s strong as hell. He’s some years older than me with those kinda eyelids that can fool you into thinking he’s taking a catnap when he’s doing nothing of the sort. And then there’s that glass eyeball that he’ll tell ya he picked up in a bar fight, which if you ask me is not sanitary at all. But when he grins at me, like he’s doing right this minute, it’s with teeth that are curiously even and gloriously white. All in all, Miss Jessie herself has confessed to me that even though he is her cousin by marriage and has those real nice choppers, “The boy looks like he was rode hard and put away wet.”

“Whatcha got there?” Holloway gives growling Keep the boot and grabs for my new locket, first one way, then the other. “You is standin’ on my property so tha’s mine, what ya found is mine. Give it to me.”

“I will not,” I say quite firmly, despite feeling quite shaky. The hooch smell coming off him is making my stomach flip. “And it isn’t your property neither. It’s Miz Tanner’s. If you don’t quit this sort of fibbin’, ya do realize you’ll be headin’ to hell in a hand casket, correct?”

Holloway doesn’t answer right off, too busy cleaning out his ear with his vibrating pinky finger. “Ya know, maybe you’s right, darlin’,” he finally says, swiping what he’s mined through his slicked-back hair. “Maybe I could use some repentin’.”

“Hallelujah,” I say, because, boy oh boy, he really could . Not only is he a liar and a thief, he rubs on my chest when I’m up at the barn helping muck out the stalls in exchange for riding Peaches. He’s warned me time and time again not to tell a soul. And I haven’t. Not my best friend, Clever. Or even Miss Jessie. And especially not Grampa, who keeps me on a short enough lead line as it is. If he ever found out about Sneaky Tim Ray, well, he’s still got one of his old Circle Bar B branding irons that he wouldn’t at all mind putting to use on somebody’s hide. And I can’t let that happen. Sneaky Tim Ray has made it clear that if I tell on him, my Keeper might get run over by a tractor “accidentally on purpose.” Or trampled by a horse. Maybe rat poisoned. “Let me put it to ya in a way that any idiot could understand,” he’s threatened over and over. “Lessin’ ya wanna find that mutt on your back porch one mornin’ stiffer than my pecker, ya better keep them luscious lips shut.”

Giggling, Sneaky Tim Ray bows his head to commence his repentin’. “Dear Heavenly Father, please forgive me. I know I ain’t been the best of your flock and I promise ya that-”

“Amen,” I say, shoving my new locket deep into my pocket. “Well, best be on my way.”

“Hol’ up there a minute,” he says, getting ahold of my shoulder and spinning me rough. “As ya jus’ lay witness to, I’ve… wha’s that, Lord?” He cups his ear heavenward. “Uh-huh… uh-huh… sure enuf.” He takes my hands into his, real gently, like we’re about to do the box step. “Ya know what He jus’ tol’ me, darlin’?”

I’m simply awful at guessing games so I can’t come up with one thing the Almighty would have to say to this black sheep on the loveliest of days. The air’s hanging heavy with the smell of cut hay and the aspen leaves are spinning. It’s a cicada year. “I give up. What’d the Lord tell ya?”

“He told me to remind ya that it’s your Christian duty to share these real nice titties with your brothers.”

“The Lord knows damn well I’m an orphan and don’t have any brothers,” I say, batting off his fingers that’ve begun tiptoeing over the swell of my double D ninnies. “You’re lyin’ again.”

“Why ya always got to be like this?” Sneaky Tim Ray whines. “A retard like you… who else is gonna wantcha? Ya should feel flattered I hanker for ya like I do.”

The treetops are trembling.

“Let go of me. I ain’t got time for this now,” I yell, pretzling in his grip. “I gotta get those eggs for Grampa and ride and…”

“Maybe you’s not the only one wantin’ to go for a ride,” he says, thick in the throat. And then real fast, for he is quick as only a small man can be, Sneaky Tim Ray shoves me to the ground and paws at my white blouse.

Don’t worry. I’m not afraid. I know exactly what’s about to happen.

Billy comes rushing out of the trees in his camouflage outfit, his arms spinning like egg beaters and wham! Sneaky Tim Ray Holloway has been outsnuck. Billy is not only an expert at concealment, he’s got some fancy Oriental moves he got taught in the army that can whip an enemy up but good. I’ve asked him recently to hold off on rescuing me until there is bodily contact in situations like these because Quite Right people know how to take care of themselves.

Getting up and brushing myself off, I tell him, “That was excellent timin’. Much obliged.”

“My pleasure,” Billy says, kicking Sneaky Tim Ray in the leg with his steel-toed boot ’cause it always takes some time for his stormy temper to wane. I don’t believe he was quite so thunderous in nature before he attended the war. He was just as tall, though. I gotta crane my neck to get a good look at him ’cause I am not over six feet by three inches. I’m a lot shorter. And a little younger. He’s twenty-three. (I did check with Grampa, by the way. I am not thirty-three years old. I’m twenty, but not for long. Got a birthday comin’.)

“Why didn’t ya use that neck-choppin’ move I taught ya?” Billy asks.

“I forgot.” I pull down my blouse where Sneaky Tim Ray matted it up. “Next time I’ll give him the neck-choppin’ move, I promise.”