Gary Shteyngart - Super Sad True Love Story

GLOBALTEENS AUTOMATIC ERROR MESSAGE 01121111:

We are SO TOTTALY sorry for the inconvenience. We are experiencing connectivity issues in the following location: HERMOSA BEACH, CA, U.S.A. Please be patient and the problem should resolve itself like whenever.

Free GlobalTeens Dating Tip: Don’t ever fold your arms in front of your date. That says that you don’t fully agree with what he’s saying or maybe you’re not into his data. Instead put your hands out in front of you, palms open, like you want to be cupping his balls! Get a degree in Body Language, girlfriend, and you’ll be giving head to the class.

EUNI-TARD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK:

Mom! Hello there. Mom, I’m worried. I tried to verbal you and Sally, but I can’t connect. I just wanted you to know that I’m fine. They weren’t ever shooting our building which is Jewish. I need you right now, Mom. I know you’re still mad at me because of Lenny, but I need to know that you’re all right. Just tell me you and Dad and Sally are all right.

GLOBALTEENS AUTOMATIC ERROR MESSAGE 01121111:

We are SO TOTTALY sorry for the inconvenience. We are experiencing connectivity issues in the following location: FORT LEE, NJ, U.S.A. Please be patient and the problem should resolve itself like soon.

EUNI-TARD TO GRILLBITCH:

Hi Jenny. I guess I’m just going to get an error message after I send this, but I want to write to you anyway in the hope that you’ll get it, if not now, then someday. I won’t believe that you’re gone like Lenny’s friend Noah. I can’t and I won’t, because you mean so much to me. So let me tell you what’s going on with my life.

It’s been very hard here, but I think I’ve forgiven Lenny. I just have to accept the fact that David and everyone else in the park is gone, even though I know, I just KNOW, that Sally wasn’t there. I have to accept that there was nothing I could have done to save David and his people, and that it wasn’t Lenny’s fault, he was just trying to get us to safety. Oh, sweet Precious Pony. I think I loved David in a way that I can’t really even describe. Of course we were completely mismatched, but Lenny and I are mismatched too. My dad was kind to me after he saw me and David in the park, because all three of us were in it together, doing something for a greater good, and it’s like my dad SAW that no matter how fucked up I am I’m basically good too and there’s no reason to hate me. It’s so Christian-sounding, but I guess I have it too, this thing that Sally does. An instinct to help, I guess.

I don’t know, I don’t know, but yesterday, when Lenny and I had sex, I couldn’t look him in the eyes. He was poking me with his chubby stomach and I kept thinking about how much I’ve lost and how much I’m still going to lose, and I felt SORRY before David, like I was cheating on him. And that made me want to cheat on Lenny, I guess.

It’s not like Lenny’s been doing anything bad. He’s got yuan in the bank, so there’s pizza and calzones and my ass is actually getting even fatter. We’re surviving and it’s all thanks to Lenny. I hope, sweet Pony, that someone is caring for you the way he’s been caring for me. There are also all these old mostly Jewish people in the building and no one really looks out for them and it’s like 100 degrees this week and there’s not enough electricity for the AC so we have to go around and get them water. I’m trying to get Lenny to help me buy up bottles from the bodegas because there’s rationing. He’s trying to help I guess, but he’s too timid to get the job done. White people don’t really care about old people, except for David who tried to help everyone. And then they shot him like a dog.

GLOBALTEENS AUTOMATIC ERROR MESSAGE

WAPACHUNG CONTINGENCY EMERGENCY MESSAGE:

Sender: Joshie Goldmann, Post-Human Services, Administrative

Recipient: Eunice Park

Eunice, I’m going to be sending you these messages on an emergency frequency, which we’re piggybacking on Lenny’s äppärät. This is just between you and me, okay? Don’t even tell Lenny, he’s got enough on his plate. At this point I want you to confirm that you’re getting this message and that you’re safe. Let me know if there’s ANYTHING I can do for you. xo Joshie

EUNI-TARD TO GRILLBITCH:

Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I guess I’m a little depressed. Things are much better between me and Lenny, but still I feel like the tables have turned. Now that Lenny almost dumped me, I feel out of control. It’s like I’m naked or something, without armor. I worry that he’s going to punish me for all the times I didn’t fully love him. Maybe I should punish him first? His boss Joshie keeps sending me messages on this Wapachung emergency frequency checking up on me, but I don’t know what to do. The thing is, I kind of find Joshie attractive in a manly, older way. I guess I’m physically attracted to his kind of strong personality. He’s like David, always ready to take charge when the people he loves are threatened. Anyway, I spend half the day waiting for an emergency message from Joshie. Is that totally wrong? I’m such a bad girlfriend.

But I’ve also been thinking. Maybe David was wrong about everything in the end? Maybe there isn’t going to be an Act Two for America like he said. Maybe you were right about him. Maybe he was just a dreamer and would never be able to look out for me and my family. But if not him, then who? Lenny?

Sometimes I feel guilty that I’m not more of an accomplished person, because then I could help my sister and my mother. Maybe I should ask Joshie about what I should do, if he can check up on my family somehow. Ugh, how fucked am I? Tell me please. Write me or verbal me. Anytime, day or night, whenever you get this, whenever it’s safe to write or holler back. I need to hear your voice, Pony of my heart. Tell me I’m not alone.

GLOBALTEENS AUTOMATIC ERROR MESSAGE

EUNI-TARD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK:

Hi, Mommy. I bet I’m going to get an error message after I write this, but I feel like I have to write this anyway. If you get this someday, I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry. You’re so close and yet I can’t help you and Sally and dad. I know you raised me better than that. I know that if this were Korea you’d figure out a way to help your parents no matter what the personal sacrafice. I’m just not a good person. I don’t have any strength and I don’t have any accomplishments under my belt and I’m so so sorry I didn’t do better on my LSAT. I wish I knew what my special path was, as Reverend Cho likes to say. If Sally’s with you, please tell her I’m sorry I failed her as a sister too.

Your useless daughter,

Eunice

GLOBALTEENS AUTOMATIC ERROR MESSAGE

WAPACHUNG CONTINGENCY EMERGENCY MESSAGE:

Sender: Joshie Goldmann, Post-Human Services, Administrative

Recipient: Eunice Park

Hi, Eunice. How are you doing? Listen, I know there are some food shortages downtown, so I’m going to send you a big care package. Look for a black Staatling-Wapachung Service Jeep at 575 Grand around 4pm tomorrow. Any special requests? I know you girls totally heart organic peanut butter and lots of soy milk and cereal, right?

Listen, things are going to get better very soon, I promise. This whole situation is clearing right up. Hint: Brush up on your Norwegian and Mandarin. JBF. And guess what? That art teacher is going to come from Paris, so we can start practicing together at my place! Parsons is out of business. I can’t wait to see you again. We’re gonna have so much fun, Eunice. As always, please let’s keep this our little secret. We’ve got a very sensitive Rhesus Monkey on our hands and he might misconstrue, if you know what I mean. Ha ha.