Gary Shteyngart - Super Sad True Love Story

So because we leave for you everything behind, you now have big responsibility to Daddy and Mommy and Sister.

I just learn how to make happy sign. Do you like it? Haha. Make me pride of you and expect of you like before.

I love you always.

Mommy

EUNI-TARD ABROAD TO CHUNG.WON.PARK:

Mom, why don’t you and Sally come here to Rome? She can take summer classes next year. We’ll get a bigger apartment and I’ll show you around. You deserve a break from Daddy. There’s a Christian (not Catholic) church here that has services in Korean and we’ll eat delicious food and just have a good time. Maybe it’ll help make me more focused because I know you’re safe and then I’ll be able to score better on my LSAT.

Love,

Eunice

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally, do you want TotalSurrender panties? They’re those sheer pop-offs that Polish porn star wears on AssDoctor.

SALLYSTAR: The one with the fake hips?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I think so. I can’t get AssDoctor on my äppärät for some reason. Nothing works in Italy.

SALLYSTAR: They’re sheer so you can wear them with Onionskins.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Why not just wear them with regular jeans. That way you can “protect the mystery” as Mom says.

SALLYSTAR: Hahaha. Kwan says some of the FOB Korean girls in LA don’t even use condoms because they want their dates to think they’re virgins. And they’re like 28! Christmas Cake already.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: SICK. But I don’t really get it. You sound like you’re better. Everything okay?

SALLYSTAR: Dad’s feeling better, I guess. He came in to sing with me in the shower.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: IN THE SHOWER?

SALLYSTAR: No, the curtain was there. Duh.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: But it’s a plastic curtain.

SALLYSTAR: Can you get the TotalSurrenders cheaper in Italy? You know my size. Actually I’m one size fatter. Gross.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Stop eating so much! And don’t let Daddy in the shower.

SALLYSTAR: He’s not IN the shower. It’s nice to sing with him. We did “Sister Christian” and the theme song from “Oral Surgeon Lee Dang Hee.” Remember how angry Daddy used to get at that show? What’s that noraebang we’d go to?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Something-something on Olympic. You should come to Rome for the summer.

SALLYSTAR: Can’t. Classes. And we’re going to DC next week and there’s going to be more protests all thru the summer.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Mommy says she saw a tank in Ft. Lee. Seriously, Sally. Don’t get Political. Come to Rome! There’s this huge outlet mall just twenty minutes away and they have the Saaami fall collection and JuicyPussy’s summer line and everything at least 80 percent off.

SALLYSTAR: I thought the dollar wasn’t worth anything.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: You still save. Hello, 80 percent off. Do the math, nerd!

SALLYSTAR: I can’t come. I got to look out for Mommy.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Bring her with you!

SALLYSTAR: Eunice, how do you think you can just pull things together and make everything change and everyone happy? It doesn’t work like that.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: What should I do? Pray to Jesu that he “changes Daddy’s heart”?

SALLYSTAR: You know I don’t like Reverend Cho but the one lesson I learned in church is humility. This is how it is. This is who my parents are. And I should just accept my limitations and do the best I can with what God gave me. If you don’t think that you’ll just make yourself miserable.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: In other words, just give up on everything and let Jesu light the way. BTW, I already AM miserable.

SALLYSTAR: I haven’t given up on anything. I’m going to be a cardiologist and I’m going to make enough money so that Daddy can retire and not have to worry about smelly white feet anymore. And then we’ll all feel a little better as a family maybe.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Yeah, I’m sure that’ll solve everything.

SALLYSTAR: Thanks for approving my dreams. You’re so much like Dad and you don’t even know it. Stay in Rome. I don’t need two of you here.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I didn’t mean it.

SALLYSTAR: Whatever.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m very proud of you.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m the fuck up, okay?

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Are you still there? I’ll get you those TotalSurrender panties, but you’re on your own with the nippleless bra.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: Sally! You know when you just cut me off like that you really make me sad.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: You know I would do anything to make you and Mommy happy. Maybe I really WILL go to law school and I’ll work in High End Retail and we can buy Mommy her own apartment in Manhattan so that she can be safe.

EUNI-TARD ABROAD: I’m coming home, Sally. Hello? As soon as I find a cheap ticket, I’m coming home.

Dear Diary,

Here’s a message from Joshie that popped up on my äppärät right after my ordeal at JFK:

DEAR RHESUS MONKEY, U BACK YET? LOTS OF POSITIVE CHANGES AND CUTBACKSHERE; FEEL FREE TO REMAIN ROME AS YOU FEEL NEED; FUTURE SALARY amp; EMPLOYMENT = LET’S DISCUSS.

What the hell was this? Was Joshie Goldmann, employer and ersatz papa, about to fire me? Had he sent me to Europe just to get me out of the way?

I still have an old Mead Five Star notebook from when I was a child, which I’ve been dying to put to good use. So I ripped out an actual sheet of paper from it, put it on my coffee table, and started writing this out by hand.

STRATEGY FOR SHORT-TERM SURVIVAL AND THEN IMMORTALITY FOLLOWING RETURN TO NEW YORK AFTER EUROPEAN FIASCO

BY LENNY ABRAMOV, B.A., M.B.A.

1) Work Hard for Joshie-Show you matter at the workplace; show you’re not just a teacher’s pet, but a creative thinker and Content Provider; make excuses for poor performance in Europe; get raise; lower spending; save money for initial dechronification treatments; double own lifespan in twenty years and then just keep going at it exponentially until you gain the momentum to achieve Indefinite Life Extension.

2) Make Joshie Protect You-Evoke father-like bond in response to political situation. Talk about what happened on the plane; evoke Jewish feelings of terror and injustice.

3) Love Eunice-Even if she’s far away, try to think of her as a potential partner; meditate on her freckles and make yourself feel loved by her to lower stress levels and feel less alone. Let the potential of her sweetness enhance your happiness!!! Then beg her to come to New York and let her become, in short order, reluctant lover, cautious companion, pretty young wife.

4) Care for Your Friends-Meet up with them right after you see Joshie and try to re-create a sense of community with BFFs Noah and Vishnu.

5) Be Nice to Parents (Within Limits)-They may be mean to you but they represent your past and who you are. 5a) Seek Similarities with Parents-they grew up in a dictatorship and one day you might be living in one too!!!

6) Celebrate What You Have-You’re not as bad off as some people. Think of that poor fat man on the plane (where is he now? what are they doing to him?) and feel happy by comparison.

I folded the paper up and put it into my wallet for easy reference. “Now,” I said to myself, “go make it happen!”

First, I Celebrated What I Have (Point No. 6). I began with the 740 square feet that form my share of Manhattan Island. I live in the last middle-class stronghold in the city, high atop a red-brick ziggurat that a Jewish garment workers’ union had erected on the banks of the East River back in the days when Jews sewed clothes for a living. Say what you will, these ugly co-ops are full of authentic old people who have real stories to tell (although these stories are often meandering and hard to follow; e.g., who on earth was this guy “Dillinger”?).