Kingsley Amis - Russian Hide-and-Seek

‘Did she talk at all?’ asked Nina.

‘Oh yes, without stopping. Except when I… stopped her. All about her house and the visitors they keep having. She’s probably shy of anything approaching a throng. Or in awe of that hairy-faced husband of hers.’

‘Any children?’

‘She didn’t mention any, so I rather suppose not.’

‘I rather hope not.’

‘What makes you say that?’

‘I don’t know. I’m just glad I’m not her daughter.’

‘How funny. I don’t go round imagining what it’s like to be the son of any chap I meet who happens to be about old enough.’

‘Of course you don’t.’

‘Of course? Is that because I’m a man?’

‘No, because you’re you.’

‘I don’t know what you’re getting at, but I can tell easily enough that it isn’t very friendly.’

Elizabeth had been listening to the latter part of this duologue with some impatience. Now she said, ‘Can we please not have a discussion of Alexander?’

‘I don’t see why you should object if I don’t.’

‘Who says you object? You adore any and every discussion of you. Some of the rest of us don’t share your passionate interest in the topic.’

‘If I’m going to allow you to go on coming here, Elizabeth, I must ask you not to dictate the conversation.’

‘Alexander!’ cried Nina.

‘What’s the matter? I was only-’

‘Have you forgotten already what mummy said to you?’

‘When I’ve just been told I’m in love with myself? Anyone would think-’

‘I’m going,’ said Elizabeth. She had turned very red. Nina caught her by the shoulders and remonstrated with her while Alexander said loudly that she could go where she pleased as far as he was concerned. It was soon clear that she would fight her way out of the room if necessary. At this point Nina released her and it was Theodore who barred her way.

‘If you go now you’ll find it very difficult to come back,’ he said quickly. ‘And you’re going to want to, in spite of how you feel at the moment.’

Within what might have struck some people as quite a short space of time Elizabeth had resumed her normal manner. She even smiled ruefully at Alexander, who patted her on the cheek. Nina took her hand.

‘Come with me,’ she said. ‘Three new frocks await inspection.’

‘Three!’

‘Three. You remember that woman in Towcester I went to in the spring? Well, it seems her daughter…’

The two girls disappeared into the bedroom. The men could hear them opening cupboards and drawers, chattering, giggling, Elizabeth imitating someone, Nina scolding. In silence Theodore brought out a small pipe and started to fill it.

‘That was good work,’ said Alexander.

‘Nothing at all. What is she exactly?’

‘She’s supposed to be hopelessly in love with me. I can’t think why; I’ve never laid a finger on her.’

‘Really? Pretty enough, I should have thought.’

‘Yes, but too confoundedly difficult. Imagine what she’d be like with a bit of power over you.

‘M’m.’

Theodore lit his pipe and sat back in his chair. He was staring at the ceiling now, but earlier his eyes had hardly left Alexander for several minutes on end, as Alexander was naturally well aware. After another half-minute Theodore said lightly,

‘What really happened out there?’

‘What? Oh, just what I said. Do you want details?’

‘No, no. Tell the truth – you fucked her, didn’t you?’

‘No. It looks as though I could have done, but I didn’t, like a fool.’

‘Very much like a fool. How old are you, Alexander? Nineteen?’

‘Twenty-one.’

‘Are you? Of course I’m twenty-eight, with that much more experience. But I should have thought anybody not a female or a child could have seen that Mrs Korotchenko was ripe for the plucking.’

‘Well I couldn’t, and if that makes me a female or a child that’s most unfortunate for me, but I can always call the servants and have you thrown out, but now I look at you I think I could probably manage it myself. Without much effort, in fact.’

‘Hold on!’ said Theodore as Alexander rose to his feet. ‘I was just trying to irritate you into admitting it. Come on, you old reprobate, you fucked her, didn’t you? You can tell me. I swear I won’t pass it on to anybody.’

‘For the very last time, I didn’t. And incidentally swear by what?’

‘That’s a very interesting point, but we haven’t time to go into it now. Do you swear you didn’t?’

‘Well of course I do, by anything you care to name. What’s this all about?’

‘Your only bad line so far, but we’ll let that go too. Do you swear by the honour of your country and of your regiment and of your family?’

‘Why not? I so swear.’

Theodore looked hard and very seriously at Alexander. ‘My profound congratulations and my heartfelt apologies. I’m truly sorry I had to do this to you.’

‘You’re mad.’

‘You can relax now. Not more than three minutes after you and Mrs Korotchenko had left the drawing-room, your mother asked your sister to fetch her sewing-basket from the room on the other side of the hall. I offered to go myself.’

‘Oh dear.’

‘I found the basket easily enough, but before I returned to the drawing-room with it I pulled back the curtain and looked out. Pure curiosity.’

‘Is that what it’s called?’

‘I didn’t expect to see anything in particular, but I saw… Well, you know what I saw.’

‘Yes.’

‘How did you come to be so insanely reckless? The two of you would have been out of sight if you’d walked another twenty or thirty metres. Couldn’t you have waited?’

‘I could, but she couldn’t, evidently. She literally grabbed me and I was quite unprepared. I had no time to think at all.’

‘I see. Why do you think she put on that annoyed look afterwards?’

‘Well, she told me she was going to do it so that her husband would think I’d made advances to her which she took amiss, but I wonder now if the explanation I invented a moment ago might not be nearer the mark only she was doing it on purpose. In other words, she intended to give the impression that she’d had expectations of me which I’d failed to fulfil. Which in turn would mean she must hate her husband very much. Well, we already have reason to suspect she may not be crazy about him. What are your congratulations for?’

‘For the ingenuity with which you disarmed the suspicions of two very inquisitive girls, and the fortitude that made you able to withstand my violent assault on your pride.’

‘Thank you. The second was comparatively easy. I wasn’t going to throw away at that stage what it had taken me so much trouble to establish. It was just bad luck for me that you looked out of that window when you did.’

‘Don’t worry, the secret’s safe with me.’ Theodore relit his pipe. ‘Did you in fact arrange to see her again?’

‘There’s not much point in denying it at this stage.’

‘You know, you’ve surprised me. Not by your sexual adventure but by your conduct since.’

‘I’ve surprised myself rather. But then I have a strain of low cunning which tends to come to my rescue when I really need it.’

Again Theodore stared at his companion. Then he said, ‘You’re an interesting fellow, Alexander. I’d like to have a real talk with you some time. The trouble is I have nowhere to invite you. My lodgings are vile, there are no restaurants nearer than Oxford…’

‘I know, I have the same trouble with girls, don’t you?’

‘Well, it looks as though I might start to, if things go my way.’

‘She likes you – I know that look of hers.’

‘And you approve?’