Alaa Al Aswany - Chicago

To attract her, a man had to be rough around the edges, thorny. She loved Tariq, cared for him, and looked after him as if she were his mother. She knew his schedule by heart and lived with him moment by moment. She would look at her watch and smile thinking: now he is out of the lecture hall. She imagined him walking to the lab. She called him on his cell phone several times a day, and when longing got the best of her, she sent him messages to assure herself that he was okay. She cooked for him on Sundays and knew by heart all the dishes he loved: rice pilaf, okra, meat and potato casserole, and baked macaroni. For dessert he liked Umm Ali, mahalabiya, and rice pudding. Thank God she had learned to cook from her mother, winning his admiration. Several times as he was enjoying her cooking and devouring the food he told her: “May God bless your hands, Shaymaa.”

How this sentence made her happy! She gladly forgot the hours she had spent in the kitchen. She would thank him, blushing, looking at him at length as if saying, That’s a drop in the bucket of what I’ll do for you when we get married.

At night, when she went to bed, her fantasy would take her far away: she would see herself sitting on the dais in her white wedding gown. What would the wedding be like? A big affair with famous singers and dancers attended by dozens of guests? Or a quiet dinner with relatives only? Where would they spend the honeymoon? Sharm al-Sheikh or Marsa Matruh? People said Turkey was beautiful and inexpensive. Where would they live after the wedding: in Cairo or Tanta? How many children would they have, and would she be allowed to name them Aisha and Muhammadi after her mother and father?

Despite the joy she felt because of Tariq’s presence in her life, she couldn’t understand the way he behaved sometimes. He cared for her and insisted on seeing her and treated her gently; then suddenly, for no reason or preliminaries, he turned into a gruff person as if possessed by a devil, yelling at her and scolding her for the slightest reasons. When that happened, she would fall silent, never talking back, following her mother’s advice: a wise woman does not go into combat with a man like his peer, rather she contains him with her kindness and provides him with rest, as the noble Qur’an put it. That does not detract from her dignity. If she responds to an insult with an insult the argument turns into a fierce battle, but if she holds herself back, his conscience will make him sleepless at night and he will come back to her and apologize.

It was not his fits of anger, however, that worried her the most. She felt somehow that he was not resenting her , but rather his feelings toward her. It was as if he were resisting his love for her by quarreling with her. She also took some comfort in the quarrels, for after all, they were rehearsals for married life; since they were happening, then it was possible also for marriage to take place. What really worried her and kept her awake at night was something else: their relationship had lasted for a long time and they had been close in all respects, but to date he had not uttered a single word about love or marriage. And despite her total lack of experience in matters of love (with the exception of her silent, unrequited love for the next-door neighbors’ son when she was in her first year of secondary school), she was certain that Tariq’s attitude was unnatural. If he loved her, why didn’t he tell her? He was serious, brilliant, and religious and couldn’t be just after having a good time. He was also respectable and respectful; he hadn’t touched her body at all except twice (actually, three times) when they rubbed against each other, accidentally, in the crowded train. Why didn’t he say something then? Was he afraid of the responsibility? Or was he an inexperienced boy who didn’t know how to deal with women? Did he want to put her to the test before committing to her? Could he have a fiancee in Egypt and he was keeping the engagement secret by taking off the ring? Worse than that: could he be unsure that she was fit to be his children’s mother? Like her he came from a conservative religious family. Did he take their spending time together as proof that she was loose?

That would really be a catastrophe! He must understand that she went out with him only because of the exceptional circumstances of her being away from home. Had he met her in Egypt he wouldn’t have got from her anything but a casual conversation like any other colleague. Why didn’t he say anything? She had hinted and encouraged him several times, but he ignored the hints. O God, all she was hoping for was one sentence: “I love you, Shaymaa, and I want to marry you.” Was that too much for him to say? She had been assailed by apprehensions and worries since yesterday, so she woke up this morning having made up her mind. She had to stop at the college lab to check the samples of her research, and then catch up with Tariq in Lincoln Park, where they had lunch together every Saturday. I won’t accept any more stalling. Today I bring everything to a definitive resolution, she said to herself as she carried her palm-frond bag. She raised her chin and pursed her lips and quickly went to the L station, where the train took her in a few minutes to the park. Tariq was there, sitting as usual on their favorite marble bench close to the fountain. He welcomed her warmly, but she responded in a reserved manner. She sat next to him and spread a blue tablecloth, and then placed the sandwiches and dessert carefully on paper plates next to the thermos filled with mint tea. Tariq devoured two large pita sandwiches filled to the rim, one with chicken bologna studded with olives and the other with scrambled eggs with basterma . Then he took visible delight in sipping a cup of mint tea. Then, looking with interest at the bowl of mahalabiya garnished with raisins and coconut, “May God save your hands, Shaymaa. The food is fantastic, as usual.”

She immediately began carrying out her plan.

“Have you read Sheikh Shaarawi’s commentary on the glorious Qur’an?” she asked. “I used to follow it on television in Egypt.”

“You must read it. I brought it with me and I read it every night.”

“Sheikh Shaarawi was a great scholar.”

“God have mercy on his soul. God gave him the ability to explain the greatness of Islam.”

“God be praised.”

“Islam has not neglected any aspect of life, great or small.”

“Of course.”

“Would you believe that Islam has spoken of love?”

Tariq turned toward the fountain and began to study the water gushing from its openings. “Islam encourages love so long as it doesn’t lead to sin,” she went on.

Tariq sighed and looked somewhat worried, but she kept at him. “Sheikh Shaarawi has issued a fatwa that if a young man and a young woman were to feel love for each other it would not be forbidden so long as they intended to get married.”

“That stands to reason, of course.”

“What do you think?”

“By the way, Shaymaa, I’ve discovered a very inexpensive pizza place on Rush Street.” She fixed him with an angry look and said, “Why are you changing the subject?”

“What subject?”

“Shaarawi.”

“What about Shaarawi?”

“He asserts that love is not forbidden so long as it leads to marriage.”

“You’re repeating what you’ve said already. I don’t understand what this has to do with us,” he said sharply. A profound silence ensued, interrupted only by the sound of the water in the fountain and the shouts of the children playing nearby. She got up suddenly and said as she gathered her things in the bag, “I am going back to the dorm.”

“Why?”

“I just remembered that I have an exam tomorrow.”