Sara Foster - Come Back to Me

Chloe tried to settle down with her book, staring unseeingly at the pages. She dozed every now and then, intermittently hearing her mother banging around downstairs, presumably checking out where different things were kept. She tried not to think about what was getting rearranged or thrown out, or silently noted as inferior.

She had intended to get up and cajole her mother into explaining things properly, but after a while found that tiredness descended upon her like a thick blanket.

At lunchtime, hungry, Chloe wandered downstairs but couldn’t seem to stand up for long. Margaret made her some sandwiches, and urged her to lie down and not fight the tiredness. Chloe lay on the sofa this time, flicking through TV channels and then dozing off again.

When she came to properly, the curtains were closed and a small table lamp was the only light in the room. Margaret sat next to it, leafing through a magazine. She looked up and saw that Chloe was awake.

‘How are you feeling, darling?’ Margaret immediately enquired.

‘Tired!’ Chloe said, amazed that she could still feel so weary after sleeping all day.

‘You’ve got a fair bit of rest to catch up on, I would imagine. Can I get you a drink?’

‘Just a glass of water would be lovely.’

Margaret hurried out of the room and Chloe heard the gentle tinkling of glasses and a trickling of liquid before she returned, one hand bearing a glass of water and the other holding a glass of white wine.

‘I didn’t know I had any wine,’ Chloe said.

‘You didn’t. I went and got some,’ Margaret replied.

‘I must have slept more deeply than I thought.’

‘You were out like a light. Cheers.’

They clinked their glasses together and both took a gulp. Chloe settled back against the soft sofa cushions, and pulled the blanket up to her chin. They sat in silence for a while in the soft light; then Margaret spoke while looking down into her glass.

‘I was surprised it took so long to drive here. It must be awful on a Friday night, never mind having to do it all again two days later. Thank you for coming to see me so often.’

‘That’s okay.’ Chloe immediately felt guilty at the amount of times she and Alex had moaned about the trip.

‘I think I might come down a bit more from now on.’

‘Of course,’ Chloe replied.

‘Besides,’ her mother continued, smiling, ‘you’ll need help when the baby arrives.’

Chloe felt a pang of discomfort. She took a breath and bit the bullet. ‘I will, Mum. But I might also need some space.’ She looked across at her mother, waiting to see her reaction.

‘Oh, I see,’ Margaret replied, leaning around and plumping the cushion behind her. ‘Well, if you don’t want me, I -’

‘Mum! Will you listen properly. I’m not saying I don’t want you, I just want you to respect my right to a little space – surely that’s not too much to ask.’

‘Okay, calm down, Chloe,’ Margaret said snippily. ‘I’m just saying that when – if – you need me, I’ll be here. It’s just… I’d like to be useful to somebody, at least.’

‘I’m really not saying -’ Chloe began immediately, but her mother raised a hand to stop her.

‘It’s okay, Chloe. I know just what you’re saying.’

Chloe gave up; whatever she said seemed to be wrong. There was an awkward silence, before Margaret finally sighed and said sadly, ‘I envy you, you know.’

‘You do?’ Chloe asked, surprised.

‘You have it all ahead of you.’ Margaret nodded her head towards Chloe’s stomach. ‘So much joy, so many surprises…’

‘Is that how you felt?’

Margaret looked taken aback at the question. ‘Of course. Well, actually, I was scared rotten during my whole pregnancy with you, desperately praying you would be okay. But seeing you for the first time was the happiest moment of my entire life, even though I’d just been through fifteen hours of hell!’

‘Don’t tell Anthony that!’ Chloe laughed.

‘I don’t think Anthony would care,’ Margaret said sadly. ‘He’s always been so independent-minded – so determined. Whereas you, you were my little girl, and you would look at me so openly, so trusting. In fact,’ her voice cracked, ‘sometimes I would give anything to see you look like that again.’

‘Mum, I’m…’

Margaret shook her head. ‘Don’t, Chloe. Life moves on.’

Chloe felt tears smarting. ‘Mum,’ she said softly, ‘I’m so sorry about what happened… if I hadn’t – with Dad – then…’

‘Don’t you ever say that. Do you realise how silly that is? Thank god you did take me up there. You saved Anthony, Chloe. You saved us all, I think.’

Chloe mulled that over for a while. ‘Mum, did you really think you were having a heart attack?’

Margaret nodded, and cast her a quick, embarrassed glance. ‘Yes, for a little while – you have no idea how silly I felt when the doctors told me that it was just my nerves!’ She shook her head. ‘But Charlie… his began innocuously enough, so we didn’t ring the ambulance straight away, and by the time we did, then got to the hospital, well, it was too late. So I think I panicked, presuming it was going to be the same with me. I know it sounds silly now , though. I am embarrassed about it, if that makes any difference.’

‘Mum, I don’t want you to be embarrassed – it’s just that – well, it feels like, although we talk a lot, we don’t really talk , do we? I’m sorry I blew my top when I got up to see you; it’s just I was so worried, and I’ve been so stressed out about -’

‘I shouldn’t have made light of it,’ Margaret interrupted. ‘But I felt silly and I didn’t want you to worry and start fussing. It was a genuine mistake, Chloe, and I was pleased to see you – I’m very lucky to have a daughter who will drop everything for me in times of need, I realise that, especially with what you’ve had to contend with recently. I know it might have looked a bit selfish…’

Chloe was about to accept the invitation of the ensuing silence to tell her mother, no, of course it wasn’t selfish, when she stopped. From now on, she was going to be honest. From now on, she wasn’t going to accept excuses from anyone, including herself. From now on, she was going to do exactly what she thought was right, without being trapped by indecision because of worry that she might make a mistake. If she did veer off course, she’d just have to sort it out as she went along.

The weight that lifted from her as she had these thoughts was so enormous she felt almost faint from the release. She smiled, and her mother looked bemused.

‘What are you thinking?’ she said.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Chloe replied. ‘But I want you to tell me about my dad.’

Margaret looked worried, but she didn’t try to hedge. ‘Okay, Chloe,’ she said. ‘But I’m afraid it won’t be nice to hear.’

Chloe pursed her lips. She was determined to know every thing. Margaret saw the gleam of her eyes and said, ‘Right. Well. After we left, there was quite a bit of contact with your father – my dad took most of the calls, it was pretty nasty. We threatened to go to the police if he didn’t leave us alone, but since he was in the police force over in America, things were a bit tricky. But I felt terribly guilty about just leaving – I couldn’t see a way out, I thought we’d have to inform the authorities because I couldn’t let him get away with that – I mean, what if he… there were plenty of children around. But then… things were taken out of our hands. He went out on patrol one night a few weeks after we left and caught two youngsters stealing from a garage. He chased and caught one of them, beat the boy in a rage, even though it was basically food they were stealing… beat him so hard that the boy later died in hospital.’