Melanie Gideon - Wife 22

“It’s still my mother’s bible,” she says. “So, you guys have a weekend alone. What fun things do you have planned? Do you want me to skedaddle ?” She waggles her eyebrows at us.

Caroline often uses old-fashioned terms like skedaddle -I think it’s charming. I suspect it comes from being a playwright’s daughter and seeing too many renditions of Our Town . I sigh and randomly flip to page 25 in the book.

1.Have an idea before you start writing.

2.Everything is potential material: the backyard barbecue, a trip to the grocery store, a dinner party. The best characters are frequently modeled after the ones you live with.

I shut the book and press it to my chest. Just holding it fills me with hope.

“ Creative Playmaking ? That used to be your bible?” asks William.

That William has no memory of the book and how important it was to me (even though it sat on my bedside table for five years or so) is not a surprise.

I text William in my mind. Sorry I ass. But you ass, 2.

Then I say to Caroline, “We’re off to do errands. Want to come?”

F ESTIVE M OROCCAN P OTLUCK AT N EDRA’S H OUSE

7:30: Nedra’s kitchen

Me:Hello, Rachel! Where’s Ross? Here’s the lamb.

Nedra( peeling back the aluminum foil from roasting dish and frowning ): Did you follow the recipe exactly?

Me:Yes, but with one wonderful twist!

Nedra: No good can come of wonderful twists. Linda and Bobby made it after all.

Me:I thought they were going to the game.

Nedra( sniffing the lamb and making a face ): They couldn’t resist your restaurant-quality dishes. Where are the kids?

Me:Peter’s here. Zoe’s at home doing sit-ups. Where’s Jude?

Jude( walking into the kitchen ) :Wishing he was anywhere but here.

Nedra:Darling, are you going to join us? Alice, wouldn’t that be lovely if Jude joined us?

Me:It would. Yes, Nedra. It would be so, so lovely.

Nedra:See, darling. See how wanted you are. Please say you will.

Jude:( looking down at the floor )

Me:( looking down at the floor )

Nedra( sighing ) :You are big babies, the both of you. Will you please make up?

Jude:I’m going to Fritz’s to play Pokémon.

Me:Really?

Jude:No, not really. I’m going to my room.

Nedra:Bye, bye, darling. One of these days the two of you will love each other again. It’s my dying wish.

Me:Must you be so melodramatic, Nedra?

Jude:Yes, must you?

Nedra:Melodrama is the language the both of you speak.

7:40: In the living room

Nedra:Men, gather round. The costume portion of the evening will begin. Kate and I brought you each back a fez from our most recent trip to Morocco.

Peter( unable to wipe stricken look off his face ) :I would prefer not to wear a fez as I’m already wearing a trilby.

Nedra:Yes, which is why we got you a fez-to get that damn trilby off your head.

Kate:I think his trilby is cute.

William:I stand with Peter. Being a woman, you may be unfamiliar with the codes of men and hats in the twenty-first century.

Bobby:Yes, it’s not like the 1950s, where you take off your hat when you go to dinner. In the twenty-first century you wear your hat throughout dinner.

Me:Or if you are Pedro, throughout the month of June.

William:And if you start off the evening with a hat, you don’t switch to another hat. Hats are not like cardigan sweaters.

Nedra:Put on the fez, Pedro, or else.

Me:What about us?

Nedra:Kate, Alice, and Linda, I have not forsaken you. Here are your djellabas!

Me:Fabulous! A long, loose garment with big sleeves that soon I will be dipping accidentally into my mint sauce.

Peter:I’ll trade you for my fez.

Nedra( sighing ): Must you all be so ungrateful?

8:30: At the dinner table

Kate:How was Salzburg, Alice?

William:You were in Salzburg?

Nedra:Yes, eating palatschinken . Apparently without you.

Me:I was in Salzburg on Facebook. I took the “Dream Vacation” quiz. I’ve always wanted to go to Salzburg.

Bobby:Linda and I are on Facebook. It’s a fabulous way to stay in touch without really staying in touch. How else would I have known you were going to Joshua Tree this weekend?

Linda:It’s a women’s weekend, Bobby. Don’t sulk. Ladies, you’re welcome to come.

Nedra:Will there be drums and burning of things?

Linda:Yes!

Nedra:Then no.

Linda:Hey, did we tell you guys we’re renovating? We’re redoing the master bedroom. It’s the most marvelous thing. We’re making it into two master bedrooms!

Me:Why would you need two master bedrooms?

Linda:It’s the new trend. It’s called a flex suite.

Kate:So you’ll be sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Peter:Can I be excused? Subtext: Can I sneak into your office and play World of Warcraft on your computer, Nedra?

Nedra:What, you don’t want to talk about the intimate sleeping arrangements of your parents and your parents’ friends? By all means, Pedro, go!

Linda:Isn’t it great? It’ll be like we’re dating again! Your suite or mine?

Nedra:What about spontaneity? What about waking up in the middle of the night and having wild, half-asleep sex?

Me:Yes, I was wondering about that, too, Linda! What about half-asleep sex?

William:Isn’t that called rape?

Linda:I have no desire to have sex at two in the morning. It’s a known fact that it gets much harder to share a bed as you get older. Bobby gets up three times a night to pee.

Bobby:Linda wakes up every time I move my middle toe.

Linda:We’ll share a bathroom, of course.

Me:Now that’s the thing I’d like two of.

Linda:Twin suites are going to reignite the mystery and the passion in our marriage. You’ll see. God, I miss Daniel. It’s the most ridiculous thing. I couldn’t wait for him to leave for college and now I can’t wait for him to come home.

William:Did I mention that a few weeks ago the dog urinated on my pillow?

Kate:I know a dog psychic you can call.

Nedra:I had a client once who peed in his wife’s lingerie drawer.

Bobby:The wife had a lingerie drawer ? How long had they been married?

Me:Jampo knows you don’t like him. He senses that. He’s a truth-teller.