Iris Murdoch - The Sea, the Sea

‘Who is she then?’

‘She was the first girl I ever loved, and I don’t think I’ve ever really loved anyone else. She loved me too. We were at school together. Then she went off and married another man and disappeared. I never stopped thinking about her and caring about her, and that’s why I never got married. Well, I’ve just come across her again, she’s there, down there by the sea, living in the village with her husband, I’ve seen her, I’ve talked to her, it’s incredible, and all that old love is still there, stretched out right from the beginning of my life till now-’

‘You relieve my mind,’ said James, ‘I thought you might be sickening for the ’flu, and I’m very anxious not to catch it myself just now.’

‘I’ve met her husband. He’s nothing, a little ignorant bullying fellow. But she-oh she was so glad to see me, she still loves me-I can’t help feeling it’s a sign, a new beginning-’

‘Is it the same man?’

‘How do you mean-oh yes, it’s the same man.’

‘Have they children?’

‘A boy, eighteen or something, he’s adopted, but he’s run away and they don’t know where he is, he’s lost-’

‘Lost-that must be sad for them.’

‘But oh-Hartley, of course she’s changed, and yet she hasn’t changed-and I mean what incredible luck to meet her again like that, it’s the hand of destiny. And she’s had such an unhappy life, it’s as if she has prayed for me and I have come.’

‘And-so-?’

‘Well, so, I shall rescue her and make her happy for whatever time remains to us.’ Yes, it was simple, and nothing less than that great solution would serve. I lay back in my chair.

‘More tea?’

‘No thanks. I think I’d like a drink now. Dry sherry.’

James began fiddling in a cupboard. He poured out a glass for me. He seemed in no hurry to comment on my amazing revelation, as if he had already forgotten it. He continued quietly drinking tea.

‘Well,’ I said after a minute, ‘that’s enough about me. Tell me about yourself, James, how is the army treating you these days? Off to Hong Kong or somewhere?’ Two could play at that game.

‘I know you want me to say something’, said James, ‘but I can’t think what to say, I don’t know what it means. This old flame turning up, I don’t know how to react. I have various thoughts-’

‘Tell me a few.’

‘One is that you may be deluding yourself in thinking that you have really loved this woman all these years. What’s the proof? And what is love anyway? Love’s all over the mountains where the beautiful go to die no doubt, but I cannot attach much meaning to your idea of such a long-lasting love for someone you lost sight of so long ago. Perhaps it’s something you’ve invented now. Though of course what follows from that is another matter. Another thought I have is that your rescue idea is pure imagination, pure fiction. I feel you cannot be serious. Do you really know what her marriage is like? You say she’s unhappy, most people are. A long marriage is very unifying, even if it’s not ideal, and those old structures must be respected. You may not think much of her husband, but he may suit her, however impressed she is by meeting you again. Has she said she wants to be rescued?’

‘No, but-’

‘What does the husband think of you?’

‘He warned me off.’

‘Well, my advice is stay warned.’

I was not completely surprised by James’s line, his refusal to express a lively interest in my situation. I had noticed in the past that my cousin did not like any discussion of marriage. The subject embarrassed, perhaps depressed him.

I said, ‘The voice of reason.’

‘Of instinct. I feel it could all end in tears. Better to cool down. One should not come too close to what one may intuit as the misery of others.’

‘Thanks for your reactions, cousin. Now tell me about yourself. ’

‘You mustn’t miss your train. But I can order a taxi by telephone, there is quite a reliable firm at Victoria. What is his name?’

‘The husband?’

‘No, sorry, I meant the lost boy, the son.’

‘Titus.’

‘Titus,’ said James thoughtfully. He went on, ‘And have they searched for him? Told the police and so on, whatever one does?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Has he been gone long, have they no clue, no theory about where he is? Have they had a letter?’

‘I don’t know, I don’t know-’

‘It must be terrible-’

‘Yes, no doubt. Now let’s forget my antics. What about your plans, what’s the latest in army life?’

‘The army-oh-I’ve left the army.’

‘Left the army?’ I was perhaps stupidly surprised and oddly dismayed, as if the army had somehow been keeping James safe, or safely caged up, or innocuously occupied, or something. I suppose I always felt that his soldiering made it happily impossible for us ever to collide or compete. Whereas now… ‘Oh well, you’ve retired, of course, golden handshake and all that. So we are both retired generals!’

‘Not exactly retired, no.’

‘You mean-?’

‘I have, as the expression goes, left the army under a cloud.’

I put my glass down and sat up straight. Now I was really amazed and upset. ‘No! James, you can’t-I mean-’ Speculations, of a not too improbable kind, about what sort of cloud my cousin had left the army under, crowded my mind and reduced me to silence.

I looked at James’s darkened face. He was sitting with his back to the lamp. The evening, through the gap in the curtains, was still brilliantly blue. James was smiling slightly, as he had smiled when he released the fly, and I saw now that he was looking at another fly which was perched on his finger. This fly was washing its front paws, then it was vigorously drawing its paws forward over its head. It stopped washing. James and the fly looked at each other.

‘Not to worry however,’ said James. He moved his finger and the fly flew off. ‘I had effectively come to the end of my career in any case and I shall not lack occupations.’

‘You can paint the house.’

James laughed. ‘Would you like to see a picture of a gannet? Well, another time perhaps. A pity you aren’t here tomorrow, we could go to Lord’s. The Test Match is in an interesting condition. I had better telephone for your taxi. Here, take some of these biscuits, I know you like them, Aunt Marian always used to stuff some secretly into my pocket when I was leaving your place!’

After James had rung for the taxi I said, ‘Who was that old man I saw here last time?’ I had suddenly recalled, and felt that I had entirely forgotten in the interim, that on the last occasion in James’s flat, and just as I was leaving, I had seen, through a half open door, in another room, a little oriental old man with a wispy beard, sitting quietly upon a chair.

James seemed a little surprised. ‘Oh him-no one in particular-he’s gone, I’m glad to say. There now, there’s the bell for your taxi. I hope you’ll get a decent dinner on the train.’

‘But my dear Charles,’ said Rosina, ‘I know you are a most eccentric creature, but you cannot want a woman who looks eighty and has a moustache and beard!’

It was the following day. I had got back very late. The taxi was waiting at the station all right, but the run home was slow because of a thick fog. There was no dinner on the train because of a strike, so I had had to make do with the custard cream biscuits, which I felt annoyed and sad to think of my mother stuffing into James’s pockets long ago. When I reached Shruff End I ate some bread and cheese. (The butter had all gone rancid.) My bed was uninvitingly damp, but I managed to find a hot water bottle and exhaustion sent me to sleep. I awoke late, feeling stiff and cold, and as I sat up my teeth began to chatter. Well might I be frightened of what I was proposing to do that day.