Elizabeth Flock - But Inside I'm Screaming

“But how come I have been so attracted to this type of guy?”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t think I do.”

“Let me ask you this, David and Alex—what did they have in common? Besides being hotheaded?”

“Um…”

“Were they intense, would you say?”

“Yes. Very.”

“And your father wasn’t, right? He was intense about his job, no doubt about it. He was even intense about drinking. But about you?”

“Not in the least.”

“Could you have been drawn to that intensity? Could it be that you were craving, starving really, for that kind of attention from a man, since you didn’t get it from your father?”

Silence.

“And now you are again at the end of an abusive relationship and you could go one way or another. You could choose to surround yourself with healthy individuals who respect you, or you could find someone who, just as Alex did, takes advantage of your self-doubt.”

“But I didn’t consciously choose an unhealthy person. Alex seemed like a good, supportive person….”

“Yes, I know. But on some level you had to have seen signs of trouble.”

“You’re saying I brought this on myself?”

“No! I am in no way saying you deserved this, Isabel. No. Instead, what I’m saying is that we all make choices based on how we feel at a certain time. You were unsure of yourself when Alex came along. In essence, he decided for you how to feel about yourself. He is the one who caused the abuse, Isabel…not you. But now you are trying to find yourself once again and it’s very important, at times like these, for you—for everyone—to feel good about yourself, about who you are inside. That will attract good people to you like a magnet. Do you understand?”

“I think so,” Isabel replies softly.

“I see in you a strong, smart, lovely person. You need to see that in yourself. That is key. If you value yourself, no one will trample you again.”

Isabel felt the way she had years ago when she visited a psychic with her mother at a county fair. The astrologer had read her palm and Isabel had fallen into a trance, her hand tickled as the astrologer’s soothing voice washed over her. She rubs her arms and glances at the clock hanging over Dr. Seidler’s desk. Their session has ended.

“I know it’s time for you to go, but do you have any reaction to what I just said to you?”

“I have to absorb it,” Isabel says, not wanting to shake the trance. “It makes sense, I just have to absorb it.”

“Very well. Until next time, then.”

“Until next time.”

“ Mrs. Jackson? This is Isabel Murphy, Keisha’s friend?”

“Oh, hello Isabel. How are you, honey?”

“I’m fine, thanks. I heard the great news about Keisha—is she home?”

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Mrs. Jackson sounds elated. “God answered my prayers—He answered my prayers, that’s for sure! Let me go get her—she was just getting ready to go on a job interview…Keisha? Telephone!”

Through the earpiece Isabel hears footsteps approach the phone.

“‘Lo?”

“Keisha?”

Isabel is surprised at how different the breathless voice on the other end of the line sounds.

“Yeah?”

“It’s Isabel. Um, from Three Breezes,” Isabel quickly adds, knowing that a last name will not make a difference. She knows Keisha’s mother was just being polite pretending to know who she is.

“Hey,” Keisha says in slow recognition. “Hey…how you doing? Wow, how’s it going?”

“Fine. I’m fine. I heard the news about you, though—you must be doing great. Congratulations!”

“Thanks. Blew my mind, I’ll tell you what.”

“I bet. I bet.”

What do we talk about now? I shouldn’t have called.

“What about you? Where you calling from?” Keisha asks.

“Huh? Oh. I’m still here—at the hospital.”

“Oh,” Keisha says awkwardly. “How’s it going there? Kristen still there?”

“No. No, she’s not here. I’m probably getting ready to leave soon, too.”

Now I sound defensive.

“Great!” Keisha sounds relieved to have something to congratulate Isabel for.

“Well,” Isabel says in a tone that signals the end of the conversation. “I just wanted to call and say congratulations. I’m really glad for you.” Say something more. “Now you can start your life again.”

Theirs had been a friendship forged in anguish, suspended in time. In real life it would be impossible to sustain.

“Thanks. And thanks for calling.”

Keisha hangs up immediately. Isabel knows they will never speak again.

“Isabel, before we start I have something I want to tell you,” Dr. Seidler says gingerly. “You talked to me about Kristen and what’s happened to her since she left Three Breezes.”

“Yes?”

“I want you to know that, as I told you I would, I have followed up with Dr. Flagg—her therapist here. He told me he had indeed been in contact with Kristen. In fact, he has arranged for her to be transferred back here from Bellevue. She told him to be sure to get that message to you so he asked that I speak with you.”

“Wow.” Isabel does not know what to make of this news.

“How does that make you feel, hearing she will be returning?”

“When? When is she coming back?”

“That I’m not sure about,” Dr. Seidler answers. “I doubt Dr. Flagg knows for sure. There is a lot of paperwork to be completed before she can come back, that and consultations. It could be as early as tomorrow. But the bottom line is she will be coming back. You have an odd look on your face.”

Isabel is hypnotized by the raindrops beading on the office window. She watches as one trickles down and melts into another—the two forming a miniature river winding its way down the pane of glass.

“I can’t believe she pulled it off,” she says, still watching nature draw pictures.

“Pulled what off?”

“Everything.” Isabel brings her doctor into focus. “First that whole concoction about her brother. Then getting transferred back here. I don’t know. I thought I knew her but I guess not.”

“Is that difficult for you? To find out someone isn’t who you thought they were?”

“Yeah. It’s some kind of weird pattern with me,” Isabel says. “Alex wasn’t who I thought he was. All that time we had all these problems: with anger, with communication. Maybe it’s like you said last time: I took in what I felt about myself at the time. I think that’s true.

“Kristen comes along and, at least in the beginning, I think we have so much in common. We’re from similar backgrounds, we both had bad luck with our first loves and with guys in general. But then she has this freaky thing happen to her with the limo driver—I still don’t know what went on there. It’s like her paranoia has totally taken over….”

She trails off and looks back out the window at the rain.

“What about you? You aren’t what you first thought you were, either.” “Huh?”

“You told me about the conversation with your mother—she thought you were this perfect daughter and you told her you weren’t. But maybe that was you telling yourself you weren’t perfect.”

Yes.

“Is it going to be difficult for you to be face-to-face with Kristen when she gets back here?”

“Kristen? No. I think I’ve put enough distance there. But Alex…coming face-to-face with him is going to be the toughest thing. I feel if I can just do that I will have conquered the biggest obstacle of all.”

“To come face-to-face with someone who betrayed your trust?”

“To come face-to-face with reality.”