Elizabeth Flock - But Inside I'm Screaming

“Okay, good. Who’s in the chair? Who has something they would like to bring up—”

“Larry?” Regina squeaks and then clears her throat to begin again. “I have something I want to bring up with the group.”

“Come on down.” Larry’s Bob Barker imitation embarrasses Isabel.

“It’s about Keisha,” Regina says.

Isabel sits bolt upright and blurts out, “What about Keisha?”

Larry seems interested, too. “Go ahead, Regina.”

“I want the group to know that she’s doing well. I don’t know if anyone knew this or not but Keisha was facing some, ah, legal problems when she left here. She’s overcome those problems and is doing really well now. It’s not talking out of school to tell the group this since she’s not in our group anymore, right?”

“It’s okay to let the group know about Keisha’s good fortune outside of the hospital,” Larry answers. “It’s always good to hear about progress toward wellness. If anyone wishes to talk further to Regina about Keisha, why don’t you all do that after group. Who’d like to go next? Melanie?”

As Melanie gets up to sit in the chair, Isabel’s mind races with thoughts of Keisha.

She checks her watch.

God! Time is dragging by. This is going to take forever.

“Elwin’s at his wit’s end with me…” Melanie is crying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…and your parents-in-law hate you…get some new material Melanie.

“…then my mother-in-law told me I wasn’t good enough for her son,” Melanie continues.

Isabel looks at her watch again.

It’s only been ten minutes. Will this ever end?

“…and what’s so weird about the mattresses is that I cannot believe it’s taken me this long to see that the nurses have it in for me,” Melanie sobs.

“Regina? Could I talk to you for a minute about Keisha?” Isabel is so eager for the rest of Keisha’s story she practically tackles Regina on the way out of group.

“Sure,” Regina says as she allows herself to be led toward the smoking porch, even though she does not smoke. Isabel knows it is selfish, but she is dying for a cigarette.

“It’s great news, isn’t it?” Regina asks politely while Isabel hunches over the wall lighter.

“Yeah,” Isabel says through her teeth, still trying to light up. “Now, back up and tell me everything.”

Regina hesitates. “How much do you know about what was going on with her when she left here?”

“I was there when they arrested her, Regina,” Isabel replies impatiently. “I know about her nephew.”

Regina is relieved. “Okay. Well, my husband’s a cop and he told me about this because he’d seen Keisha here when he visited and knew I was friendly with her. You know how she was accused of killing her nephew after she was raped—”

“Yeah? What happened?”

“I guess her lawyer was really good and got all this evidence together that showed that the guys who raped Keisha were the ones that killed the baby. My husband says they left their fingerprints all over everything and that the cops who arrested Keisha in the first place were incompetent assholes, if you’ll excuse the expression.” Regina looks embarrassed. “My husband has the dirtiest mouth—working on the job, like he does,” she explains.

“So it didn’t have to go to trial, then?” Isabel looks off into the field as she thinks about how relieved Keisha’s mother must have been.

“Yeah. They dismissed the charges and the guys who raped her are now being charged with murder, too. I guess what goes around comes around, huh?”

“Yeah, no kidding.” Isabel feels a wave of longing. “Your husband hasn’t, by any chance, talked to her, has he?”

“Oh, no. No, he was just keeping track of the case for my benefit. He wasn’t part of that investigation.”

“Maybe I should call her,” Isabel ventures, looking for guidance from Regina.

“I think that sounds like a great idea,” Regina says. “You should call her. You could get her phone number from the nurses, I bet. Sometimes they’re weird about giving that stuff out, but I bet they’d do it for you. ”

“Why would they do it for me and not for someone else?” Isabel is confused by Regina’s comment.

“You’re not like everybody else, Isabel,” Regina says, blushing slightly. “The nurses’ll give you Keisha’s number because you can be trusted. You’re normal.”

Isabel’s skin tingles at the compliment.

“There’s no such thing as normal, Regina,” she says, believing it for the first time.

“Yeah, well, you’re as close to it as they come,” Regina answers as she rises to return to her room.

Isabel feels a rush of gratitude for this innocent pronouncement. She feels like hugging the shy Regina but knows she will not. She had had little to do with Regina and knows nothing about her. So she calls out to her instead.

“Thank you, Regina.”

In the doorway Regina turns back and their eyes lock.

“Thank you for everything,” Isabel says.

Regina turns and the door shuts behind her. Isabel puts out her cigarette and walks out into the field to enjoy the last minutes of twilight.

“ Ikeep thinking about Alex and the stuff he used to say to me,” Isabel tells Dr. Seidler the next morning. “It’s weird. Here I am getting ready to go in for this really important meeting at ANN and all I can do is hear Alex’s voice in my head. You’d think I’d be more concerned with my career at this point.”

“Let’s look at that.” Dr. Seidler crosses her legs and settles herself more comfortably. “For starters, what exactly have you been hearing Alex say?”

“All that stuff about how I didn’t deserve the job I had before this one—the reporting job I lost? I think I told you about that. That’s what’s going through my head, over and over. Him telling me I deserved to be fired.”

“Interesting,” Dr. Seidler said. “Do you have any idea why this, of all the things Alex said to you, would be the thing that’s getting a lot of play in your mind?”

“I don’t know,” Isabel said. “I can’t figure it out.”

“Might it be because you’re feeling anxious about the ANN meeting, which is—as you described it to me, and correct me if I’m wrong—concerning the possible loss of your job. That, I would imagine, calls up all sorts of feelings in you like dread, sadness, even a little relief. But maybe Alex’s words reflect what you are feeling about yourself right now.”

Isabel gives it thought.

“I could be wrong, of course. This is only a theory,” Dr. Seidler continues. “But I do remember you talking about how low your self-esteem was when you met him, so maybe you felt there was some truth to what he was saying. It’s hard, in instances like these, to know which comes first, the chicken or the egg. Your self-esteem was low from the abuse you endured with David—so maybe Alex capitalized on that and, with his verbal and physical abuse, made it worse. Or maybe you were feeling a bit better about yourself but Alex’s words and actions knocked you back to feeling bad again. Why do you think you were drawn to such abusive people?”

“I really don’t know. But how does this relate to the stuff I have going on in my head now?”

“I’m not sure. I think, though, you seem to be on a precipice. This is still an unformed thought so bear with me, but I wonder if you don’t know what to think of yourself. After your relationship with David ended you could have gone either way. You could have found someone the opposite of David, who treated you with respect, someone who showed you only love. Instead, though, you went with Alex, who repeated the patterns of abuse. Maybe Alex confirmed your own self-loathing. In other words, maybe Alex finished the job David started.”