Elizabeth Flock - But Inside I'm Screaming

“Peter?” He does not look up. “Peter, I’m Isabel. I’ve tried to talk to you a couple of times. Is it okay if I paint with you for a minute?”

Sunshine smiles and floats away.

No response from Peter. Isabel picks up a brush and dips it into the yellow paint. She starts to paint a huge yellow circle.

“Peter, I’m going to be straight with you.” Isabel takes a firmer tone. “I don’t know why it is, but I have to talk to you, I have to. So you can just go on painting and pretending you can’t hear me, but I’m going to talk to you.” Though he has not looked up, Peter’s brush has stopped moving along the paper.

“I don’t know what your story is,” Isabel begins. “I don’t know why you’re here…and I don’t need to know. That’s your business. But there’s something about you that reminds me of myself when I was your age.”

His brush is still. He is listening.

“Did you know that when I was your age I did everything I could to avoid anthills, to make sure no one stepped on them? My brothers would step on them and I could literally feel them suffocating under the pavement. I could hear them shrieking for help, I swore I could. I still make sure I step around them. I saw you the other day, I saw you watching out for them, too. That’s when I decided I had to talk to you.”

Peter’s head slowly, ever so slowly, moves in an upward direction.

He’s going to look at me!

“You know, I used to feel everyone’s pain. Animals, insects, people…anyone who was hurt, I could feel it in here.” Isabel hugs herself, showing him how deeply she felt. Then she pauses and listens to her own words. “And it made me sad all the time.

“But I’ve realized…” What? What have I realized? “I’ve realized that if I do that maybe I can’t feel my own pain. I walk around worrying that I’ve upset someone, let someone down, made someone mad at me, stepped on someone’s anthill…you know? I can’t take on everyone else’s pain. The ants can take care of themselves, is what I’m saying. Let’s face it, they’ve been here long before us and they’ll survive longer than us…”

He’s looking up! Keep going.

“…so we have to concentrate on ourselves. On keeping some huge giant from stepping on us. Does that make sense?”

Peter’s head slowly bobs in agreement.

“Just help yourself, Peter. Don’t worry about the ants.” Isabel remembers her mother’s words. “Just help yourself. Love yourself as much as you love the animals and the insects and you’ll get better. You’ll get out of this place. I know you can do it. You can get out of here.”

Then something strange happens. Something strange and beautiful. Peter lifts his small head and smiles at her.

She strokes his tiny head and hugs him. Hugs him completely.

She holds him for a moment and then releases him.

Without saying anything, Isabel stands up and walks out the door. “Bye, Sunshine.” She smiles as she says the name.

“Have a great day,” Sunshine answers, really meaning it.

Isabel looks back at her friend. Peter is standing motionless, watching her go.

Isabel steps out into the sunlight.

“ Where’s my basket?” Casey calls to Isabel after shutting her car door. “By the way, I’m assuming I should lock it, right? Then again I’ve been trying to talk Michael into a new car for years so I’m gonna leave it open and hope one of your loony friends has the good sense to hot-wire it and go AWOL.”

Isabel laughs and inhales the smell of Casey’s shampoo as she hugs her. “God, I’ve missed you!”

“I’ve missed you, too, kid, but if you don’t let go of me your doctor will start saying things like ‘Isabel, I find it interesting that you chose not to tell me about your homosexual tendencies’ and that’s about the last thing you need right now, girlfriend.”

Isabel links her arm through her friend’s, turning her to the unit.

“Now, remember I told you about how weird it is here,” Isabel warns Casey. “You sure you’re up to this?”

“Are you kidding me? I’ve been scraping macaroni and cheese out from under the stove for the past three years. This is the most exciting thing I’ve done in, like…well, ever. Where’re you taking me? They gonna do a cavity search on me or something? If so, could you make sure it’s a guard who looks like Tom Cruise?”

“Julie, this is my friend, Casey,” Isabel says as she reaches for the clipboard to sign her in. “We’re just going to be out on the lawn.”

Julie looks at Casey’s empty hands and then says that would be fine.

“Why’d she look at my hands? She wondering if I’m single? She’s cute. For a price I could be.”

“I’m insulted. You won’t be my lesbian lover but you’d take Julie, who still wears headbands? She’s checking to make sure you aren’t smuggling in any contraband,” Isabel answers, opening the door to the outside again. “No razor blades, nooses. You know. Just your basic suicide-ward security.”

“Honey, I’m less worried about you now than I am about me,” Casey sighs, settling into a chair. “I almost put my head in the oven yesterday, I swear. Michael’s driving me insane. Come to think of it, I wonder if they have any rooms available here. We could bunk together. Braid each other’s hair. It’d be just like old times.”

Isabel soaks up Casey’s energy as if basking in the sun.

Casey looks at her. “Seriously, you look too thin. Are you eating?”

“Don’t start.” Isabel senses the conversation is turning serious.

“I know, I know. You can take the mom out of the suburbs…” She trails off and surveys the grounds. “Pretty nice digs. How is it really? ”

“If I told you you wouldn’t believe me. But it’s fine. It’s good now, actually. I think I’m doing better.”

“You look like shit, if you don’t mind my saying.”

“You really need to form some opinions, Case.”

“What is it? You having trouble sleeping, too?”

“Casey?”

“What, honey?” Casey’s face studies Isabel’s.

“Um. It’s just. Well. I just don’t believe you’re really here. I can’t believe you came to visit me here.”

“You can’t? You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.”

“But…but, I dropped the ball for you. I wasn’t there for you when you were having your biopsy.” Isabel stops fighting her guilty tears and lets them roll down her cheeks.

Casey takes her hand. “But you wanted to be.”

“But I wasn’t there for you,” Isabel sniffs.

“Look at me.” Casey squeezes her hand. “You wanted to be.”

“ Is there anyone who would like to come sit in this chair and start group off tonight?” Larry addresses the group as he paces. “We haven’t done this in a while…have someone actually sit in the chair. Any volunteers tonight or shall I pick someone?”

Ben raises his hand.

“Yes? Ben, would you like to sit here?” Larry motions to the chair.

“Um, no. Actually I was wondering why we aren’t starting with introductions? We haven’t done that in a while, either, and I was just wondering why. I like that part of group. Why can’t we start that way?”

“Ben, we all know each other now so it’s not necessary. We usually go around the group if there’s a newcomer. I hear that you enjoy it so maybe we can do it once in a while. Why don’t we quickly go around the room and say our names. Why don’t you start?”

“Hi, my name is Ben,” he says with pride.

“I’m Melanie,” “I’m Isabel,” “Regina,” “Cindy.” Sukanya does not introduce herself.