Jenny Downham - You Against Me

They both got it. That’s what was so great. Ellie had never known it was possible for two people to want the exact same thing at the same time.

‘Is this how it is for everyone?’ she whispered.

‘No.’

‘How do you know?’

‘I just do. I’ve never felt this with anyone before.’

‘Serious?’

‘Serious. That isn’t a line.’

‘Kiss me,’ she said.

He did. Everywhere.

Afterwards, he stroked her. It made her shiver and he liked the way her eyes got serious as he stroked the bit where her leg joined her bum. All the little hairs at the top of her thigh stood up under his fingers.

‘You cried,’ he said.

She put her hands over her face. ‘Doesn’t everyone?’

‘Only in songs.’

‘I’m embarrassed!’

‘Don’t be, it’s good. Other girls aren’t like that.’

She peered at him from between her fingers. ‘What are other girls like?’

‘I dunno. That came out wrong.’

‘Have you slept with lots of them?’

‘Not lots.’

He tried to kiss her again. He didn’t want ghosts in the room sitting around watching them. But she nudged him away and pushed herself up onto her elbows to see him properly. It was dark in the room now the fire had died down.

‘I keep thinking about Karyn,’ she said. ‘Do you?’

‘I keep thinking about your brother crashing in with a gun.’

It was a joke, but she didn’t smile. ‘No one knows we’re here,’ she said. ‘We have to trust each other now, don’t we?’

He pulled her down to him. She smelled great. He stroked her some more and she relaxed against him. They didn’t talk.

The sound of her mobile was piercing – like a bird screaming in their ears.

‘How can it be ringing? There’s no signal here, there’s never any signal.’ She fumbled for it among a sea of clothes, her face terrified. ‘Oh God, it’s my mum. What shall I do?’

‘Answer it, say you’re busy.’

She lobbed it at him as if it was hot. ‘You answer it.’

‘Serious?’

‘No!’ She snatched it back and turned it off, then lay on the carpet and covered her head with her arms. ‘She knows where I am.’

‘How can she?’

‘She knows what I’ve been doing.’

He laughed. ‘She doesn’t. Text her, tell her you’ll call her later.’

‘I forgot about home.’ She sat up again and looked down at him. ‘I forgot about running out, like none of it existed.’

‘You ran out?’

‘Kind of. Oh God! The lawyer will have spoken to Tom. Tom will have spoken to my dad. They’re going to kill me when I get back.’

‘Don’t go. Stay here with me.’

She shook her head, dismissing him. ‘Help me find my stuff.’

It was like watching a spell break. He’d wanted to kiss her again, stay the whole night through, wake up with her.

‘You won’t find your knickers,’ he said.

‘Have you got them?’

‘Might have.’

‘Mikey, please. I have to go.’

‘Tell them you’re at the cinema, say it’s a late film.’

‘They won’t believe me.’

‘Tell them you’re dead, then we can stay as long as we like.’

‘I can’t. You might think I’m brave, but really I’m a coward. Mikey, please, I have to go and deal with this before I get too scared.’

Her knickers looked great in the palm of his hand – lacy and black. He kissed them goodbye, which made her smile.

‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘But if my dad finds out about you too, it’ll make everything a hundred times worse.’

She found her bra, did the clasp up, twisted it round and pulled the strap over her shoulders, like putting a bridle on a horse. She stuck her tongue out at him when she caught him looking, pulled on her dress, did a great wriggle as she smoothed it over her hips.

‘What would your dad do if he knew?’ Mikey asked.

‘Kill me. Kill you. Kill himself.’

‘In that order?’

‘No, actually. He’d kill you first.’

He got dressed quickly while she put on her shoes, then they tidied the room together. He put water on the ashes and spread them out in the grate. She put the cushions and blankets back on the chairs and checked that everything looked the same as when they arrived. It was weird having no electricity, but still being able to see.

‘Can we come here again?’ he said.

‘I don’t know. Thursday maybe we could. I’ve got study leave in the afternoon. If everything’s normal on Thursday, I’ll meet you then.’

She had one hand on the door handle, waiting for him. She hadn’t touched him since the phone rang, and as she shut the door and hid the key, it was like he’d lost something.

‘That’s ages away.’

‘I know, but we have to be careful.’

Was this love? Because it hurt. It was like a bit of glass stuck somewhere important – his heart or his head, and it was throbbing. Already he missed her and they were only just out of the door.

‘Thursday then,’ he agreed.

He took her hand and laced their fingers back together as they walked down the path to the gate.

The front door opened before Ellie even made it across the lawn and her mother rushed down the steps, arms open wide.

‘Oh, thank God!’

She hugged her so close, Ellie could feel the sharp angles of her mother’s shoulders and the curve of her ribs through her dress.

‘Mum, you’re hurting me.’

‘I’ve been worried sick. We had absolutely no idea where you were.’ She pressed Ellie closer for a second, then let her go, stepping back to stroke her hair and pat at her arms and face, as if checking she was real. ‘We were about to call the police.’

‘The police?’

‘You’ve been gone for hours, we were desperate.’

Only now did Ellie notice her dad glowering at her from the doorstep. He looked older than he had at breakfast, thin and shabby somehow.

He said, ‘Where the hell have you been?’

‘I’m sorry. I went for a walk.’

‘All this time? In the rain, with no coat?’

‘It was stupid. I didn’t think.’

‘Why did you turn your phone off?’

‘I ended up at the cinema, then I forgot to turn it back on when I came out.’

It sounded crap, hollow, like lines from a play. Her father leaned against the door frame and looked at her, taking her right in, from her scruffy trainers to the crumpled material of her dress. I’m not a virgin any more , Ellie thought as his eyes travelled up to her face. Can you tell? Do I look different?

He said, ‘I’ve spent hours looking for you. Your mother’s been distraught.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Your brother’s up in his room, convinced he’s going to jail. Do you want to explain that one to me?’

The way her father spoke so quietly was terrifying. Ellie felt tears swelling her throat.

‘Do you want to let your daughter inside before you start interrogating her?’ Mum put an arm round Ellie and clutched her hard. ‘She’s shivering out here in the cold. Why don’t you go and put the kettle on or something?’

Her dad looked confused, as if Mum had suggested something so unusual and particular that it made no sense. Then he said, ‘Yes, of course.’

‘You could make some sandwiches as well. I expect Ellie’s hungry, aren’t you?’

It was wonderful having her mother suddenly fierce, as if new ways of being were possible.

‘Does Dad know everything?’ she asked as Mum led her up the steps. ‘Does he know I spoke to you? Does he know Karyn’s telling the truth?’

‘Hush,’ Mum said. ‘It’s not time for that now. Just come and listen to what he has to say.’

She led Ellie up the steps and into the house, sat her down at the kitchen table and got her a blanket, before going off to tell Tom his sister was home. Dad made hot chocolate and scattered biscuits on a plate. He put some bread in the toaster, then leaned against the sink and folded his arms.