Jenny Downham - You Against Me

‘What if she doesn’t?’

‘Well, then you get to watch TV all day with Karyn. Tell her you get to choose half the programmes, OK?’

‘You tell her.’

But he didn’t want to go in there in case she tried to stop him leaving. If he was going to fit Sienna in before hooking up with Jacko, he had to go now.

He kissed the top of Holly’s head. ‘I’ll be back later with some shopping. I’ll get us some nice things.’

‘What if a bus hits you?’

‘It won’t.’

‘But what if it does?’ She looked at him with serious eyes. ‘Please don’t go.’

But he had to. It was only fair. He pulled on his jacket, did up his zip and smacked his chest like a gorilla. It usually made her laugh, but not today.

‘Karyn McKenzie’s a slut and everyone knows it.’

Ellie didn’t know this girl, or any of the other kids who sidled up to her in the playground and stood around in small groups listening in.

‘She started having sex in Year Eight,’ the girl said. ‘She bragged about that for weeks. And remember the rumour about her and that boy from college?’

Ellie nodded. Karyn was a liar who came from a crazy family. She got wasted and slept with Tom, then changed her mind in the morning. Ellie wished she’d come back to school days ago. She’d never been so popular.

‘I heard she’s gone really weird,’ another girl said, ‘all agoraphobic or alcoholic or something.’

‘It’s guilt,’ the first girl said. ‘If you turn up uninvited to a boy’s house dressed like a ho, it’s not a total surprise when he jumps you, is it?’

A couple of boys laughed. One of them patted Ellie on the back as if they’d been mates for years. ‘So, did your brother get charged twice?’

‘Um, sorry, what do you mean?’

‘She’s only fifteen, yeah?’ He leaned close, grinning. ‘Did he get charged once ‘cos she’s too young, and twice ‘cos he never bothered asking if she wanted it?’

But before she could tell him to piss off, Rebecca and Lucy from her tutor group ran over. Lucy took her hand. ‘You came back!’

‘Yeah.’

‘We didn’t think you would.’

They asked question after question – Were you in the house when it happened? Is it true you spoke to Karyn in the morning? Did she tell you she was going to the police?

Ellie tried to stay calm. She felt as if she’d been running up stairs, or as if she’d suddenly become asthmatic. It was one thing listening to other people talk, but she didn’t want to go into details herself.

‘I’m not allowed to discuss it, sorry.’

Rebecca looked disappointed. ‘We won’t tell.’

She grabbed at the best excuse she could think of. ‘The police said I shouldn’t.’

Lucy put an arm round Ellie’s shoulder. ‘We’re all friends.’

Ellie cast a quick look round. A boy gave her a wave as their eyes met, a boy next to him shook his head as if he was disappointed. A girl sucked her teeth, leaned back and said, ‘Ellie Parker, you’re so up your own arse.’

Laughter rippled through the crowd as Ellie moved away.

Maybe this was what it was like to be famous – not knowing what was real and what was fake, just grinning and trying to let everything wash over you.

She walked the playground to kill time, head down, eyes on her shoes, one step at a time. Soon this would be over, soon the bell would go and she would be in her tutor room and there would be teachers and work to do. In a few days the great gossip machine would move on. She simply had to get through it until then.

It was difficult to get to the doors when the bell went. A boy brushed her arm, whispered, ‘Your brother’s a paedo.’

Another said, ‘How’s your brother?’ And when Ellie told him Tom was fine, he said, ‘Shame.’

Three girls who would never acknowledge her any other day came up.

‘How’s Tom managing?’ they asked, all soft-voiced and concerned, as if he had many wives.

‘Um, he’s OK.’

‘Tell him we’re thinking of him. Tell him Lily, Alice and Caitlin send their love.’

‘OK, thanks. I’ll tell him.’

A strained stillness enveloped the tutor room as she went in, and all eyes turned to her as she made her way to her place. Conor Lockhead, the class prat, came straight over and sat on the edge of her desk.

‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Is it true your brother raped a girl?’

Ellie chose to ignore him and slunk into her seat.

‘Is he in prison?’ Conor said.

‘No.’

‘So, he didn’t do it?’

‘He didn’t do it.’

‘Is he back at college?’

‘He’s not allowed back yet.’

Conor looked confused. ‘I thought you said he didn’t do it.’

‘He didn’t. Listen, I’m not supposed to talk about it.’

She got out a pen and paper and kept her eyes firmly fixed on them. She began to doodle a tree with many sprouting heads, all teeth and snarl. She wished she had a friend, someone to sit next to, keeping her safe.

Mr Donal came in, coughing, saw Ellie and smiled. ‘Welcome back.’

And that’s all he said. He had a stack of sheets with him, handed them out swiftly, and soon they were all occupied with filling in questionnaires on their progress reports. Excellent plan. Total silence. No talking allowed. No moving, or standing, or going to the toilet, or walking past and shoving secret elbows into Ellie’s back. But it only lasted fifteen minutes, then the bell went for period one.

First to approach her in Maths was Danny, six foot tall and the only boy she’d ever kissed. He’d asked her for the last dance at the Christmas party and they hadn’t spoken since. She blushed every time she saw him and today was no exception.

He said, ‘Sorry to hear about your brother.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Has he got a court date?’

She shook her head, knew it made her look sullen, but she couldn’t speak, could barely look at him. This hadn’t been her idea of the next conversation they’d have.

‘Well, best of luck with it all.’

He walked away and it was like passing a baton, because before she’d even stopped blushing, a friend of Karyn’s strode up.

‘You’re the talk of the school,’ she said.

‘Me, or my brother?’

‘Well, since he’s not here, I guess I mean you.’

Ellie stared down at her Maths book, prayed for the teacher to hurry up and tried to concentrate on saying very little.

The girl leaned forward. ‘Karyn won’t see anyone, she’s locked herself in her flat and never goes out. You tell your brother that.’

‘I’m not allowed to talk about this.’

The girl ignored her. ‘We text her, but she won’t see us. None of us. Not even Stacey.’

‘I’m sorry, but I have nothing to say.’

‘Do you feel guilty?’

Heat crept from Ellie’s neck to her face. ‘Why would I?’

‘Well, if I was the only other person in a house when someone got raped, I’d feel pretty guilty.’

It was a total relief when Ms Farish arrived and the lesson began. On her worksheet, Ellie wrote out formulae. In her head, she tried to remember, like a series of photos, the sequence of things – Karyn and Stacey and three boys turned up at the house with Tom. It was Saturday night and Mum and Dad were away. Ellie went upstairs. Later, she looked out of her window and saw Tom and Karyn with their arms round each other. Even later, she saw them kiss on the landing outside her bedroom door. She watched Tom’s hand creep down Karyn’s back. She watched Karyn lift one of her strappy heels from the floor and press herself closer to him. No one knew Ellie saw that kiss, no one in the world. If Tom liked Karyn, and she liked him back, why would he hurt her? Why would he take something when Karyn was going to give it for free?