Maggie Helwig - Girls Fall Down

‘You’re not well,’ she said.

‘I’m fine,’ said Derek. ‘I’m doing quite well, in fact.’

‘You look like you’re starving.’

‘I’ve been reducing my caloric needs. But I don’t starve. I’m exploring the possibilities of agriculture.’ He waved his hand around the small level zone. ‘As you can see, I’m engaged in subsistence farming.’

‘Jesus.’

‘In the interim I still have some needs I can’t meet from the surrounding land, but I hope to achieve complete self-sufficiency by 2005.’

‘Oh, yeah. You and North Korea,’ said Susie. And unexpectedly, Derek’s face lit up in a luminous sweet smile. Susie’s smile.

‘Oh, Susie-Paul. It is you.’ He put his hand out and stroked her arm, and she raised her face to him. ‘It’s always so good to see you,’ he said.

‘Then why have you been hiding from me?’

Derek tilted his head to one side. ‘But I don’t, baby girl. I never would.’

‘I haven’t seen you for three months. I didn’t know if you were dead.’

He ran his hand down her arm again, leaning towards her. ‘You’re my baby sister soul. You can’t be far away from me, can you? You’re with me here every day. We’re together eternally. You remember.’

They looked so much alike now, their eyes on each other. ‘No,’ said Susie softly. ‘This is what you’re imagining, Derek. I’ve never been here before.’

‘I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry you can’t remember. I want to look after you. I wish you’d let me.’

He came close to her, a small submissive movement of his head. She took his hands and held them in her lap. ‘Oh God,’ she whispered. ‘I’ve been so worried.’

‘It’s all right, baby. It’s really all right. You know I’ll look after you.’

She reached out and stroked his wild hair. ‘Derek, Derek, it’s going to be winter soon, you can’t go on living here.’

‘This is a good place,’ said Derek. ‘This is a safe place. They can’t get the brainwashing chemicals at us here.’

‘Oh no. Not the brainwashing chemicals again.’ Alex saw a dark trail of mascara run down her face and knew she was crying.

‘Susie-Paul, of all the people in the world, you are the one I need to save. I need to help you. Don’t you understand that?’

‘I love you, Derek, but you’re out of your mind,’ said Susie, her voice full of tears. ‘You have a mental illness. Your theories about sodium pentothal and computer rays, they are not real. I do not talk to you when I am not here, and I have never been here before.’

‘But of course you have,’ he said. He touched her face, running a finger gently over her smeared mascara. ‘We’re the same person, baby. We were born together. We’re the same body forever, and I can’t be safe without you.’

‘No, Derek. We’re not. We’re really, really not.’

‘We could be. If we were together.’

‘No. Not ever, Derek. That’s not who I am.’

Derek moved his hand down her neck, his shoulders bending. Then he lowered himself to the wet ground and lay his head in her lap, and she curled over him, still stroking his hair.

‘I know it’s not easy for you,’ she said. ‘I know it was really, it was confusing for you when Mom died. But this is not a solution.’

Derek lifted his head and looked up at her, his legs twitching, his tongue flicking nervously over his lips. ‘Don’t lie to me, Susie-Paul.’

‘I’m not lying. What do you mean, I’m lying?’

‘Susie-Paul.’ There was a dangerous edge to his voice. ‘You know they’re not dead. You know this is just a trick. You need to stop telling lies.’

‘For Christ’s sake.’ Susie sat up sharply. ‘Stop it, Derek. Of course they’re dead. Mom had cancer. Dad had a heart attack. They died.’

‘Stupid,’ said Derek, the word a brittle snap. ‘You know it’s not true. You’re letting them trick you.’

Susie choked down a hiccupy whimper and pushed back, moving away from him. ‘Cut it out. I buried them, Derek, I saw the coffins going into the dirt. People die. They’re dead.’

Derek shook his head again, quickly. ‘They’re still watching you, baby. They’re still after you. I know because you tell me. You tell me all the time.’

‘Derek! Stop!’ She clenched her fists in front of her mouth and began to sob.

Derek was squatting by the tent, staring at her seriously, and he was twitching a bit but there was no question that Susie, muddy and drunk and weeping, looked far more crazy than he did. ‘Just shut up,’ she said, her face glistening in the light of the lantern, streaked and wet. ‘I fucking buried them, Derek. They’re under the fucking ground.’

‘I didn’t mean to make you feel bad,’ he said softly.

Alex could hardly tell what the noise was that Susie made, but he thought it was meant to be a laugh. ‘Well, that’s great. That’s just lovely. Everything’s fine, then.’

He moved towards her again, suppliant, almost crawling, and put his hands on her knees. ‘Susie-Paul. Baby sister. You know I never mean to hurt you. I’m sorry. I’m a bad person. I’m sorry.’

‘You’re not bad, Derek.’ She wiped her smeared eyes and lowered her head again to his. ‘You don’t have to apologize.’

‘I love you, baby.’

‘I know. I know.’

Alex didn’t think that he’d moved; he hardly thought that he’d breathed. But he must have done something, because Derek’s head lifted suddenly and he glanced down the hill.

‘You brought a person with you.’

‘He’s my friend.’

‘I don’t like that.’

‘Well, tough luck,’ said Susie.

Derek sat up and frowned towards Alex. ‘I don’t know why you have to involve other people.’

‘Because other people matter to me. You just have to live with that.’

‘It’s really not safe,’ said Derek, shaking his head in disapproval. ‘I’ve told you that before. These are not safe people.’

Alex tried to catch Susie’s eye, not knowing if he should go back down the hill.

‘Anyway,’ said Susie. ‘None of this is why I’m here. We need to find you a proper place to live.’

‘This is better than where I was before.’

Susie looked around the underpass. ‘You know, honest to God, it’s probably not much worse. But the rooming house did at least have some heating.’

‘People tried to hurt me there.’

‘What I want, what I hope is that we can find you a better place. There’s some money from Mom’s will, it’s not a lot but… ’

The change was like an electric shock, so fast Alex was dumb-founded. Derek leapt up, his fingers reaching and convulsing like snakes, his voice a high screech.

‘You bitch ! You fucking bitch !’ He grabbed at her sleeve, shaking her arm hard, but Susie didn’t seem frightened; she dropped her head in resignation and wept but didn’t move away. ‘You think you can trick me that way?’ he shouted, still shaking her arm, his other hand moving clawlike near her face. ‘You think I’m an idiot? You fucking bitch !’

‘Shut up, Derek,’ said Susie quietly.

‘Get out of here! Get out!’ He pulled away from her and hurled himself back into the tent, zipping the flap closed. ‘Go away now , bitch!’ Susie buried her head in her knees, sobbing, Derek screaming from the tent, ‘Go away ! Go away !’

And Alex moved, scrambling up the slope towards her and taking her wrist. ‘Susie. Come.’ She shook her head, waving him away with her other hand. ‘Come on, come on, honey,’ whispered Alex.

‘Go away , go away , go away !’ screamed Derek.

‘He isn’t going to hurt me.’