Chris Cleave - Incendiary

—Yeah you’re right. I’m fine.

—That’s my girl, said Terence Butcher.

He leaned over the table and he stroked my face with both his hands. He pushed the hair off my face and he hooked it behind my ears just exactly the way my mum used to. I don’t suppose he knew how sweet he was being when he did that. I looked up from my G&T and I smiled at him I couldn’t help myself. Tears started up in my eyes. He smiled back. He moved his face closer to mine and he smudged the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs.

—There, he said. You’re too pretty for tears.

I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips there was nothing else for it. I held his top lip between my teeth very gentle and I breathed in his smell of ciggies and Guinness. He didn’t move a muscle. I sat back and looked at him.

—Same again?

—Mmm? he said.

—Guinness?

—Oh, he said. Yes. Yes please.

I smiled at him and I took our empties up to the bar and I nearly died of shock. Jasper Black was sitting up there on his own drinking a glass of red wine. He was looking the other way and I thought he might not of seen me but I had to stand quite close to him on account of there wasn’t much space at the bar. I asked the barman for another Guinness and another G&T and I made myself small but it was no good. Jasper Black winked and got down from his stool and came over to me. He looked better than I remembered. He looked like he’d had his blood drained out and sunshine pumped in instead. He was grinning and bouncing up and down full of beans but when he came close there were stains on his jacket and his eyes looked sore. He puffed out his chest and leaned his elbows back on the bar and I looked down at his feet and he was wearing black slip-on shoes and no socks.

—Hi, he said. No disrespect but I have to tell you you’re looking fantastic tonight.

—Jasper. What are you doing here?

—Me? he said. I’m drinking possibly the most disgusting Merlot it’s ever been my misfortune to be served. I’m guessing the bottle was opened several days ago and stored on a radiator.

—Well. You know. It’s a beer pub. If it’s Merlot you were after you’d of been best off going to a Merlot pub.

—Merlot pubs, he said. There’s a thought. Do they have them these days?

—Well I wouldn’t effing well know would I? I wouldn’t know Merlot from Tizer.

—Probably safest that way, he said. Anyway. I didn’t come in for the wine. I came in to see if you were alright.

—How’d you know I was here?

—I didn’t. I was walking past on my way home and I saw you coming in here with that man.

Jasper flicked his head back in Terence Butcher’s direction. Jasper Black’s hair was a right state. He’d had one of those haircuts where you don’t know if you should say that’s nice or sorry.

—I thought I’d pop in and stand by, he said. In case some misfortune was befalling you.

—Misfortune?

—I thought you might be in trouble, he said.

—Why?

—Your man is wearing a green polo shirt, he said. A lime-green polo shirt. I may not be blessed with Petra’s fashion acuity but I know a plonker when I see one. Your man is wearing beige Timberlands for Christ’s sake. A respectable man would not allow a chasm of such proportions to open up between himself and fashion. I was worried about you.

—You can talk. What the hell have you done to your hair?

—Oh do you like it? he said. I thought I’d treat myself to one of those Shoreditch hairdos. It’s great isn’t it? It’s like 7 haircuts in one. It depends what angle you look at it from.

—It looks a mess.

Jasper Black sniffed.

—Correction, he said. It looks destructured.

—Yeah right.

He flicked his head back at Terence Butcher again.

—I suppose Mr. Timberlands is your new boyfriend? he said.

I looked at the landlord. He’d half-filled the Guinness and it was sitting there waiting to settle. The creamy foam was swirling through the dark stuff. It was fighting to rise free it made me nervous. I looked back at Jasper.

—That’s Terence Butcher. He’s my boss.

—I was watching you together, said Jasper Black. Forgive me if I note that your relationship gives all outward appearances of having transcended the purely professional.

—Come again?

—Are you fucking him? he said.

—Don’t use that word.

—Well are you?

—Mind your own business.

—I miss you, he said. If you were fucking someone I’d very much rather it was me.

He grinned at me. His teeth weren’t very clean and his fingers were drumming on the bar. I looked over at Terence Butcher. He was watching me talking to Jasper Black and he didn’t look too pleased about it.

—Listen Jasper. My husband and my boy were torn to bits by rusty nails and bolts flying through the air at supersonic speed and then what was left of them was burned to cinders. All of it happened while I was fucking you so don’t blame me if it’s put me off.

Jasper Black leaned back on his bar stool and made a face like he’d just mistaken a dog turd for a KitKat Chunky.

—Jesus Christ woman, he said. I was only trying to be nice. Nothing personal but if you want my advice you need psychiatric help.

I stared at him.

—Yeah well I don’t see why I should take brain advice off a man with 7 haircuts.

I turned away from him. It’s funny how quick people can turn on you. The Guinness was finally ready and the landlord slid it across to me along with my G&T. I paid and picked up the drinks and started back to our table.

—Crazy fucking bitch, said Jasper Black.

He was off his head and he said it too loud. The whole pub stopped talking. Terence Butcher stood up. I stopped halfway back to our table holding the drinks. I was shaking. There was Guinness slopping everywhere. The smoke from everyone’s cigarettes was making me think of May Day and my legs started to wobble. Terence Butcher stepped up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. He was staring over the top of my head at Jasper Black.

—Who’s that bloke? he said.

—No one. Just some plonker trying it on. Please just leave it okay?

I went over to our table and I put the drinks down.

—Sit down. Please Terence. Let’s just sit down and forget it.

He looked from me to Jasper and back.

—You sure? he said. Think carefully before you answer. I’m a very senior police officer. I have the resources of the entire Metropolitan Police Force at my disposal. I’m reasonably confident I could make this the worst night of that man’s life.

—No Terence. Please leave it.

I put my hand on his chest and I pushed him down into his chair. He let himself be pushed. He could be as good as gold that man.

We didn’t speak for the longest time after that. We just looked at each other and drank our drinks. I could feel the G&T starting to work. It was nice being out. Pubs were the best places for me really. I mean all the smoke made me nervous but I never actually saw my boy in pubs. They don’t serve the dead or anyone under 18.

When our drinks were finished Terence went up to the bar for another round. He stood right next to Jasper Black so their elbows were touching. They were both tall men and they didn’t say a word to each other and I couldn’t look it made me nervous. After a while Terence Butcher came back with 3 drinks. He’d got himself a whisky chaser with his Guinness and my G&T was a double. He slid mine over to me and sat down.

—Alright? he said.

—Yeah. Terence?

—Yes?

—Thanks for being good to me.

—It’s more than that, he said. I really like you. In fact I think I’m—

—Stop. Don’t say it.

He smiled.