Chris Cleave - Incendiary

I went through the swing doors to the stairwell. Oh god that smell. It was like my life had been quietly waiting there for me all along. Old chip fat. That’s what my life smelled of. And BK onion rings and ciggies and hash and sweaty trainers and nappies. The smell wrapped itself around me till I was choking and I sat down on the stairs and cried and cried and cried. My crying echoed in the stairwell and outside I could hear the police cars going up and down with their loudspeakers squawking at the last stragglers to get inside for curfew.

After a while I stopped noticing the smell. I was back in my life I didn’t need any more reminding. I stood up and climbed the stairs to our flat. We were only on the third floor so it wasn’t far to climb. I stopped outside our front door. I could hear noise from inside. It sounded like the telly was on. That’s funny I thought. I could of sworn I turned the telly off before we left. It made me feel a bit poorly thinking what a lightbulb and the telly left on for 2 months was going to look like on a red electricity bill. I found my keys and I opened the front door and went inside.

There were 2 people’s coats hanging off the pegs in the hallway and they weren’t anything to do with my family. One was a man’s Barbour jacket. You wouldn’t of caught my husband dead in one of those. The other was a woman’s coat. It was wool and dark pink with a purple silk lining it looked like it cost more than our flat. I put my carrier bag down quietly. I didn’t know what was going on. It wasn’t burglars was it? I mean burglars don’t usually come in posh coats. At least not in Bethnal Green they don’t. I tiptoed down the hallway. The lounge door was open. I sort of wish it hadn’t been and then I wouldn’t of seen what I saw next.

Jasper Black was on my sofa with a woman. The woman was wearing pink stilettos and nothing else and she was on her hands and knees and Jasper had his thing up her. The woman was shouting. Ow yeah she was shouting. Fuck me you posh bugger I deserve it it’s all I’m good for. Jasper was whacking her with the back of his hand. Her arse was all red you could see the bruises starting. The woman had one hand up underneath her she was playing with herself. I watched them going at it. I felt so confused with the pills and the booze I thought maybe I was imagining the whole thing. So I stepped back into the hallway and I went up to the coats. I touched them with my hands. I put the silk lining of the woman’s coat up against my cheek. It felt so soft and cool. I thought about putting the coat on and walking out in the night all the way to the Thames and drowning myself like a kitten in a priceless sack. I probably would of done it as well. If it hadn’t been for the curfew I mean.

I tiptoed back to the lounge and I watched them for a long time through the gap in the door. My lounge smelled of sex. The telly was showing Murder Detectives but neither of them was watching. There was a lot more shouting. Jasper was calling the woman a DIRTY WORKING-CLASS SLUT. Then they both just went uh uh uh. When it was finished they collapsed facedown on my sofa. Jasper was panting and the woman was giggling. She reached down for a bottle of champagne that was open on the floor. I never did like champagne. She took a long drink of it and passed it to Jasper. She giggled again. It was a horrible sound like a hacksaw going through pipes. Jesus Christ Jasper she said you are a sick bastard that was fucking unbelievable.

—Oh hello Jasper I didn’t recognise you from behind.

They both spun round then and saw me and the woman screamed. She pulled a cushion up to cover her tits which seemed a bit silly considering I’d practically seen her insides. Jasper jumped up and he put his hands over his bits. He stared at me. He couldn’t work out who I was.

—It’s me Jasper. I’ve got a new job. This is my new look. Do you like it?

I watched his eyes go even wider.

—Oh god, he said. Oh god oh god oh god. I thought you were in hospital.

—Well I was. But I’m back now aren’t I? I’m pleased you found a use for my spare keys. Make yourself at home there’s fish fingers in the freezer if you’re hungry. Don’t mind me I’ll just be tidying a few things up. This is the first time I’ve been home you see since my husband and my boy got blown up and burned to death and I ought to start putting their things into boxes.

The woman stared at me then she looked at Jasper.

—Oh Jasper you absolute cunt, she said.

She burst into tears and I turned around and went into the kitchen. It was nice and tidy in there just the way I’d left it. There was the bottle of vodka in the freezer where it always lived. I took down a glass and I poured myself a shot. The vodka was cold and lazy. It poured slowly like water in a dream. I let about an inch go into the glass and I drank it straight down. I took out 2 more of the Valiums and I put them in my mouth. They lay there hard under my tongue like I was an oyster and these were my pearls. I poured more vodka into the glass and drank down the pills. I didn’t give a monkey’s any more. I just sat at the kitchen table waiting for the pills to work. I was looking at my boy’s drawings on the wall. I wished I’d remembered to write on them what they were meant to be. After the longest time the woman came into the kitchen. I heard her walk in and stand behind my chair but I didn’t turn around.

—Look, she said. I really don’t know what to say.

Her voice was amazing. It was comedy posh. It was the sort of voice corgis would obey without question. I laughed I couldn’t help myself.

—No please, said the woman. I think perhaps I owe you an apology.

I still didn’t turn around. I was so empty there were tears running down my face but I didn’t feel anything.

—It’s alright. I’m sure you’re very sorry and everything I don’t blame you I don’t even care really so why don’t you just fuck off?

—Um, said the woman. Well I’m afraid we can’t just fuck off. Much as we’d love to. There’s the curfew. It’s gone midnight. I realise these are absolutely appalling circumstances but I’m afraid you’re stuck with Jasper and me for the night.

I turned round then and I looked at her. I couldn’t help gasping. The woman looked just like me. She was wearing my pink bathrobe and her pink stilettos. She was about my height and she had my figure. Long legs. Small tits. Big eyes. Thin neck. Maybe a few pounds lighter. Her hair was the same colour blond as mine except it was cut very long and pretty and it shone like in the adverts. Like each hair had been individually polished by tiny angels. God knows what she used on it and it must of cost a packet. But it was her eyes that made me gasp. They were my eyes it was as simple as that. Her cheeks were pink from the sex and the champagne. She looked back at me and I could tell she could see the same thing. Even though I must of looked a state with my Lady Di hair and my mascara running. It was obvious. The woman shrugged.

—Oh dear, she said. I suppose we must be Jasper’s type. I’m Petra Sutherland by the way. I’ve heard so much about you.

—Yeah? Well. There isn’t much to say about me really.

She leaned back and put her elbows on the work surface behind her.

—I’m sure you’re right, she said. But I wish you’d tell Jasper that. The silly boy is obsessed by you. He’s in your bathroom crying his eyes out. He’s absolutely devastated. He won’t stop gibbering on about how he’s hurt you.

I looked at her. I didn’t feel hurt. In fact I didn’t feel anything. The vodka and the Valium were starting to work.

—Petra. Fancy that eh? I never thought I’d meet his girlfriend.

She sighed and looked at me like I was a ciggie she’d of liked to knock the ash off.