Craig Lancaster - Edward Adrift

I feel better having made a decision about what to do next, but then my mind goes back to Kyle, and I feel bad all over again.

When Victor came home earlier tonight, all four of us sat at the kitchen table and talked. Victor impressed me. He was disappointed that Kyle called his mom a bitch and me a freak, but he did not yell at the boy. Kyle did all the yelling.

“You made me come to this stupid place and this stupid school. I never wanted to leave!”

Victor spoke to his stepson softly. “Kyle, you’re not the first kid who’s moved. I lived in four different cities when I was a kid.”

“That’s your problem!”

“No, it’s our problem. What are we going to do about it?”

“Like you’d give me a choice anyway.”

Donna spoke. “I think we need to talk to someone together, all of us, as a family.”

“Him, too?” Kyle pointed at me.

“Edward is going home.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re going to be busy here, and because he has to go to Texas to see his mom.”

“Not for eight days,” I said.

“Can he stay until then?” Kyle asked.

“No,” his mother said.

“Why not?”

“I just told you. Because we’re going to be busy.”

“This sucks.”

Victor pointed at Kyle with his left index finger. “Young man, I’ve warned you…”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Kyle stood up and shoved his chair hard against the table, and then he ran down the hallway to his room and closed the door.

Victor looked at Donna and then at me. Donna looked at the table. I looked out the sliding glass door to the backyard. The sky was purple and orange, and the leafless trees looked like spindly (I love the word “spindly”) black monsters against the sky. I don’t think I ever noticed how spooky trees can look. I’m noticing a lot of things I’ve never noticed before, and I’m finding that I don’t like all of the things I see.

It’s 5:34 a.m. now. I kick off the covers. I have a new route to plot. Time is wasting.

From the logbook of Edward Stanton:

Time I woke up today: 4:47 a.m. First instance this year that I’ve been awake at this time.

High temperature for Monday, December 12, 2011, Day 346: 23 (according to the Boise newspaper). Twenty degrees colder than the high the day before.

Low temperature for Monday, December 12, 2011: 20. Six degrees colder than the low the day before.

Precipitation for Monday, December 12, 2011: a trace amount.

Precipitation for 2011: 19.40 inches

New entries:

Exercise for Monday, December 12, 2011: Donna, Kyle, and I took a walk but came home early after Kyle mouthed off.

Miles driven Monday, December 12, 2011: None.

Total miles driven: 688.3

Addendum: Much earlier than I’d anticipated, I’m leaving Boise and cutting short my visit with Donna, Victor, and Kyle. I wrote yesterday that “fun” was the key word, and I’m sorry to report that we never managed to have any. I’m sad that I will not get to spend any more time with my friends, but I understand why Donna thinks I should go. As I still have a week before I’m due back in Montana for my flight to Texas, I will be turning south today and heading toward Cheyenne Wells, Colorado, in the southeastern part of the state. Though I do not believe that dreams hold any particular power, I am intrigued that my father has been showing up in mine and that he has been in Cheyenne Wells when he does. On the off chance that I’m wrong about dreams, I figure I better go there. It is 998.9 miles, and I am going to try to make it in two days, which means I’ll be driving farther each day than I ever have before. If I manage to do that, I can spend two days in Cheyenne Wells and still be back in Billings with a day to spare.

I realize I’m doing something unusual for me, in that I’m driving off the course I originally set and I’m doing so on a whim. But I think this venture will be worth it. If I’m correct and dreams hold no answers about why I am so adrift, at least I will have seen some countryside and a town I visited when I was a little boy. If I’m wrong and my dreams have been guiding me toward something, I will have to reconsider my strict adherence to facts and allow for the possibility that unexplained things, like my dreams, can have profound implications.

Whatever the case, I think Dr. Buckley would say that I’m allowing myself to live in the moment, and I think she would find that to be worthwhile. Maybe even Dr. Bryan Thomsen would think so, too. I will find out when he and I speak.

I leave Donna and Victor’s house at first light. Victor shakes my hand, and Donna pulls me in for a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, which makes me feel warm inside. That always surprises me, because I usually do not like to be touched. Kyle, she says, is asleep, and she doesn’t want to wake him because rest has been hard for him to come by lately. I understand and will talk to him another time, after he has overcome his present difficulty.

“We will do this again, Edward, and we’ll get it right,” Donna says. “Just give us some time.”

“Yes,” I say, and I hope a single word communicates to her that I will give her and Victor and Kyle all the time they need. They are my friends, and I love them. I wish I could tell them that right now, but such an overt (I love the word “overt”) display of affection is not the way I do things.

Behind the wheel of my Cadillac DTS, I first look for a gas station so I can begin my long journey with a full tank. It’s a clear, cold morning, and flecks of purple—the last bits of the nighttime sky—mingle with the yellow of the sunrise. I’m driving south and east, into the rising sun. Before the day is out, if I can stick to the schedule I’ve plotted, I will see Idaho and Utah and Wyoming, and I will spend the night in Rock Springs, Wyoming, before heading into Colorado tomorrow. As I stand beside the car, filling it up at a Chevron on West State Street, I think of how the weather has favored me on this trip. No snow is on the ground in Boise, and I have encountered no storms since I left Billings. Given the time of year and the massive shifts in terrain and weather tendencies I’ll be encountering over the next couple of days, I do not expect this good fortune to hold out. Still, expectation and supposition are poor stand-ins for facts. I shall see what the weather brings.

I peek through the tinted window into the backseat and see the sleeping bags and blankets I made sure to pack in Billings, along with the water and the sunflower seeds I’m not eating anymore. If I should be stranded by inclement (I love the word “inclement”) weather, which has been known to happen this time of year, I will be able to survive with my car as a sort of emergency shelter. I hope this is something I don’t have to prove, but hope is powerless against the forces of nature. I prepared for the worst-case scenario. That is all I can do.

After fueling—9.747 gallons at $3.0199 a gallon, for a total of $29.43—I make my way through the early-morning traffic of Boise to the ramp for Interstate 84 eastbound.

Michael Stipe is singing about how he waited for someone to call and he’s sorry. I’m sorry, too, about a lot of things. I’m sorry it didn’t work out with Donna, Victor, and Kyle. I’m sorry I don’t know when I’ll see them again. I’m sorry I don’t know exactly why I am heading to Cheyenne Wells, Colorado, as such displays of whimsy tend to be in conflict with my desire to rigorously plan everything. Still, I am determined to go there. When I plotted the course early this morning, I noticed that much of my route today and tomorrow will take me along the path John Charles Fremont and Charles Preuss followed when they mapped the Oregon Trail. Alanis Morissette would call that ironic, but it’s really only a coincidence. Even so, it’s a very interesting one.