Graham Swift - Last Orders

I say, 'I've got to take a leak.'

But it's not just to take a leak. I find the Gents and I unzip, then I feel my eyes go hot and gluey, so I'm leaking at both ends. It's cold and damp and tangy in the Gents. There's two condom machines, one says 'Glowdom' and one says 'Fruit Cocktail'. It's be-kind-to-your-pecker day. There's a frosted window with a quarter-light half open so I get a peek of a bit of wall, a bit of roof, a bit of tree and a bit of sky, which isn't blue any more, and I think for some reason of all the pissers I've ever pissed in, porcelain, stainless steel, tarred-over cement, in pubs and car parks and market squares up and down the country, wherever there's a racecourse to hand. There's always a frosted quarter-light, chinked open, with a view of the back end of somewhere, innyards, alleyways, with some little peephole out on life. Racecourse towns. It's when you stand up to piss you can tell how pissed you are. A drink or two helps for putting on a bet. A drink or three buggers your judgement. When I can't get to sleep I tick off in my head all the racetracks I've been to, in alphabetical order, and I see the map of England with the roads criss-crossing. AscotBrightonCheltenham-DoncasterEpsom.

I shake myself out and zip myself up again. I sniff and I run my sleeve across my face. Some other punter comes in, a young feller, but I don't reckon he sees, or thinks twice if he does. Old men get pissy eyes. He gets out his plonker like a young feller does, like it's a fully operational piece of machinery.

Well, that's that over with. Crying's like pissing. You don't want to get caught short, specially on a car journey.

But as I head back into the bar and I see them at the table, with the barmaid collecting glasses, nice arse an' all, and all the bar-room clobber, brass rails, pictures on the wall, of a pub I've never been in before and won't ever be in again, it's as though I'm looking at them like I'm not here. Like it's not Jack, it's me and I'm looking on, afterwards, and they're all talking about me. HaydockKempton. Like I'm not here but it's still all there, going on without me, and all it is is the scene, the place you pass through, like coachload after coachload passing through a coaching inn. NewburyPontefract.

I say, 'Same again, fellers?'

Vic's looking at me. He looks like he's thinking.

Vince says, 'Not me, Raysy,' holding up a flat palm, all strict. 'Unless you want to find another driver. You could get me a coffee. And a half-corona.'

Lenny looks at Vince like he's going to give a mock salute. He says, And I'll have a knickerbocker glory.'

It's always the third drink with Lenny.

I order the drinks and ferry over the pints and Vic's whisky.

Vie says, 'Just as well Amy didn't come, she wouldn't have planned on a piss-up.'

Lenny says, 'Is that whisky or tea you're drinking there then, Viccy?' He slurps some beer. 'Jack wouldn't begrudge us.' Then he says, 'All the same.'

Vince says, 'All the same what?'

Lenny says, 'He'd've appreciated it if his missis had carried out requirements.'

I say, 'That's been settled. We're doing it for her.'

They all look at me as if they're expecting a speech.

I glug some beer.

The barmaid brings over Vince's coffee. He looks up and says, smiling, 'Old ones are the worst, eh gorgeous?'

' "For" aint the point,' Lenny says. ' "For" don't apply. Some things is direct. None of us is next of kin, is we? None of us is close relative. Even Vincey aint close relative.' And he looks at Vince like he wouldn't look if he hadn't had three pints of heavy. Vince is lighting his cigar. 'Even Big Boy here aint next of kin, is he? Vincey here aint got no more claim to be here than any of us, have you, Big Boy? Specially as, if you ask me, there wasn't no love lost in any case, not till Jack was on his last legs. There wasn't ever no love lost, was there?' Lenny's face is all knotted up.

Vince puffs on his cigar. He doesn't look at Lenny. He pours the milk from the plastic thingummy into his coffee, then he tears the sugar sachet and tips out the sugar, slow and careful, concentrating, stirring all the while with his free hand. It's like he doesn't intend talking to any of us again.

Lenny opens his mouth, as if there's more to come, but something sort of clicks shut in his throat. 'I've got to take a leak an' all,' he says. He gets up, sudden, looking around like he's dizzy. I jerk my thumb in the direction he should take.

Vie says, 'I was wondering—'

You can trust Vie to do his peace-keeping act.

Lenny slouches to the Gents. I wonder if he's going to do some blubbing too.

Vince shakes the sachet even though it's empty, then screws it up. He looks up. 'What was you wondering, Vie?' He smiles, calm and polite, and sips his coffee.

'I was wondering, as we're close, if we could pop over to Chatham and see the memorial. I've never—'

Vince looks at Vie. He raises his eyebrows slightly, he puffs his cigar. Vic's face is serious and steady. You can't ever tell with Vie.

'Don't see why not,' Vince says. 'Do you, Raysy?' He could be chairing a committee. He gives a quick glance to me then back again to Vie. It's like he's forgotten all about Lenny. 'If a man in your line don't get enough of memorials.' He smiles, then wipes off the smile quick, as if it wasn't anything to smile over. 'That's why we're here, aint we? To remember the dead.'

'It means a detour,' Vie says.

Vince blows out smoke, thinking. 'We can do detours.'

Lenny comes back from the Gents. His face looks like it's been having a fight with itself, like it don't know what expression it should wear.

He says, 'My round, aint it? Same again, Vie? Ray? Vince? Another coffee? Something to go with it?'

I reckon Lenny'll need to do better than that.

Vince glances up quick at Lenny but he don't say nothing. He puffs his cigar, eyes narrowed, then he takes the stub from his mouth, there's still a few puffs left, and crushes it in the ashtray. He says, 'I don't know about you, Lenny, but I'm here to take something to Margate, that's what we're all here to do. And Vie here would like us to pay a little extra call on the way, which I aint against, considering. We're here to remember the dead.' He looks at his watch. 'Gone two fifteen. Now if you want to stay here drinking all afternoon' - he sweeps his gaze round the table as if we're all suddenly included in some plot against him, it's not just Lenny -'that's your business. But I'm going to the car right now and I'm driving to Margate. If you don't want to come too, you better find out where the station is.'

He takes a last sip of coffee. Then he gets up, unhurried, putting on his coat, rolling his shoulders so the cloth sits, tugging at the lapels. Then he walks out, not looking back, the door swinging to behind him. When Vince was a nipper his hero was Gary Cooper.

We look at each other, not moving, though it's plain we don't have no choice.

Vie gets up first, then I get up.

Lenny says, 'Tosshead,' under his breath, not moving.

Vie says, 'You shouldn't judge.'

Then we notice the plastic bag, Rochester Food Fayre, lying on the seat and it's as though a new spark comes into Lenny's face, there's a new look in his eye. He picks up the bag and grabs his coat. He's the first of us to reach the door, though he pauses for a moment in front of it, waiting, as if he's thought for a moment that Vince might be about to step back in. Then he pushes it open and we follow.

Vince is walking back the way we came. The high street looks like a model. He isn't looking back but it doesn't seem like he's keen to make too much ground. We follow him, Lenny scuttling on ahead with the bag.

'Hey, Big Boy!'

Vince don't look back but his pace quickens and he hitches himself up a peg.

'Hey, Big Boy!' Lenny's moving at a fair old lick, you wouldn't think it. 'You forgot something, didn't you? You forgot something!'