David Grossman: To the End of the Land

Did what?

Don’t worry, he doesn’t take in anything anyway.

Wait a minute, what did you tell him?

What you and me, you know, and what you told me, about Ada—

What?

But he was asleep …

But those are things I told you! Those are private things, my secrets!

Yes, but he didn’t even—

Have you lost your mind? Can’t you keep anything to yourself? Not even for two seconds?

No.

No?!

She jumped out of bed, forgetting her weakness, and dashed around the room. She moved away from him in disgust, and from the other one, who was asleep with his head drooping on his chest, exhaling fervent breaths.

Ora, don’t … Wait, listen to me, when I got back from you I was so …

So what? she yelled, feeling her temples exploding.

I, I didn’t have any … space in my body, ’cause I was so—

But a secret! A secret! It’s the most basic thing, isn’t it?

Ora came close and lunged over him as she wagged her finger, and he shrank back a little. This is exactly what I thought of you the whole time, it’s all connected!

What, what’s connected?

The fact that you’re not in any youth movement and you don’t play any sport, and all that philosophizing, and that you don’t have a group of friends — you don’t, do you?

But what does that have to do with it?

I knew it! And the fact that you, you’re such a … such a Jerusalemite!

She leaped back on her bed and pulled the blankets up over her face, and kept on simmering there, in the depths. There’s no way she’s ever telling him another word about herself. She thought she could trust him, that’s what she thought. How did she even let herself be tempted by a pathetic loser like him? Come on, get out of here! Get out of here, d’you hear me? Split, I want to sleep.

Wait, that’s it?

And don’t come back! Ever!

Okay, he mumbled. Well … good night.

What do you mean good night?! Are you leaving him here for me?

What? Oh, sorry, I forgot.

He got up and felt his way over, slow and hunched.

Wait a minute!

What now?

First tell me what you told him. I want to know exactly what you told him!

You want me to tell you now?

D’you have a better time in mind? Should we wait for the Messiah?

But it doesn’t come out just like that … Listen, I have to sit down.

Why?

Because I don’t have the strength.

She considered. Sit down, but just for a minute.

She heard him walk back heavily, bumping into the corner of her bed, cursing and feeling with his hand until he found his chair and collapsed into it. She heard Ilan breathe fleetingly and sigh in his sleep. She tried to guess his voice from his sighs and the way he looked in the dark. She wondered what he already knew about her.

Somewhere out there an ambulance siren wailed. Echoes of distant explosions erupted. Ora exhaled with her lips pursed. A commotion was brewing in her head. She had already recognized that her anger at him was exaggerated, and maybe it was even a show of anger, and she tried to protect herself from the treacherous affection rising within her. She was alarmed to realize how distant she had grown from all the people she loved and cared for. She had hardly thought of Asher Feinblatt all these days in the hospital. She had boycotted him, and her parents and her friends from school. As if her entire world were now the illness and the fever and the stomach and the itching. And Avram, whom she hadn’t known until three or four days ago. How did that happen? How had she forgotten everyone? Where had she been this whole time and what had she dreamed?

A new chill iced over her burning skin. Avram slept across the way and sighed shortly, and Ilan at the other end of the room was sleeping in total silence now. She felt as though they were both slightly letting go of her so she could finally comprehend something hugely important that was happening to her. She sat upright in bed and wrapped her arms around her knees and felt as if she were being slowly cut out from the picture of her life, and a faded hole would remain in the place where Ora used to be.

Into her thoughts, into the sleepy rustle that took hold of her, stole a dim, hoarse voice, and at first she did not recognize it as Avram’s, and she thought maybe the other one, his psycho friend, had started talking to himself, and she tensed up. From the minute I saw you with the match in your hand I thought I could tell you anything on my mind. But you’ll get annoyed at me, I know it, you’re a firebrand redhead, with a quick temper, a short fuse, I can tell. You know what, if you get annoyed then kick me. She’s not kicking me, maybe she’s on a kicking fast today, maybe she joined some order that forbids kicking helpless runts? There, she smiled just now. I can see her mouth even in the dark. What a great mouth she has—

He waited. Ora swallowed. A new layer of sweat erupted from her body at once. She pulled the blanket up higher over her face so that only her eyes glimmered in the dark. She didn’t kick this time either, Avram noted, which must mean she’s letting me tell her, for example — he hesitated, it was suddenly too close; let’s see you, coward, sissy — for example, I can tell her that she’s so beautiful, the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, even here in the hospital, with the fever and the illness. And from the moment I saw her, even though it was dark, I felt the whole time that she was light, something bright, pure … And she showed me herself with the match, and then she closed her eyes and her eyelashes trembled … The more he spoke, the more excited Avram grew. He was burning and erect from his boldness. Ora’s heart beat so hard she thought she would pass out. If any of her friends, boys or girls, didn’t matter, saw her like this, listening silently to all this talk, they wouldn’t believe it. This is cynical Ora? This is bullheaded Ora?

And she shouldn’t go thinking I’m such a big hero, Avram added hoarsely. I’ve never talked to a girl like this, only in my imagination. He held two fists up to his cheeks and focused on the burning embers glowing in his gut. I’ve never had the chance to be so close to someone so beautiful. I’m just noting that for the minutes, because she’s probably thinking, Oh, here’s another one of those lookers who has all the girls falling at his feet. Ora stuck out her chin and pursed her lips, but a dimple of laughter was twitching in her cheek. What a strange person, she thought. You can never tell if he’s serious or joking, or if he’s very smart or a total idiot. He keeps changing. She wiped the sweat off her brow with the blanket and thought that the most annoying thing about him, the truly insufferable thing, which could really drive a person mad, was that he seemed to be constantly stuck under your skin and you couldn’t get a second’s break from him, because from the moment he had come and sat down next to her two days ago, or whenever it was, she had known exactly when he was excited and when he was happy or sad, and above all she had known when he wanted her. He had such a nerve, he was a pickpocket, a spy — and a tiny eel slithered inside her like a little tongue, supple and flushed, not hers at all, where had it come from? And Ora jumped up in fright: Come here! Stand here for a minute!

What … what happened?

Get up!

But what did I do?

Shut up. Turn around!

They felt their way through the darkness until they were standing back to back. They shivered from the fever and other ardors, and their bodies twitched and danced against each other. Ilan sighed, and Avram thought, What lousy timing, please don’t wake up on me now. He felt her muscular calves against his own, her springy rear end touching his. After that things got off track: his shoulders were somewhere down there against her back. His head rested against the back of her neck. You’re a head taller than me, he noted lightly, himself amazed at such a cruel realization of his fears. But we’re still at that age, she said softly, and turned to face him. Despite the darkness, she could see his face and his huge, exaggerated eyes, which showered her with sad, yearning looks, and she quickly looked for Ada to hand her a trace of mockery to hold on to, to unravel his image and his entirety, and generally this whole place, along with the guy drilling a hole in her head from the other side of the room. But her heart was tensing in anticipation of bad news.