Sol Stein - Other people

"For what, for Christ's sake!" I yelled, and that did it.

"Rape," he says. "You've been indicted by the Grand Jury."

All my life I've imagined hearing certain things that change everything. I hear a doctor telling me one of the kids has leukemia, and it's like an explosion in my brain. Everything stops. No doctor ever said that to me. None of the kids been sick serious, but I think leukemia — blam! Hearing rape was like that. Look, I'm no stupid thinks her husband never dips his wick somewhere else, they all do, don't they? But rape? What for?! I give it to him whenever he wants it, even when I don't want it, what the fuck does he have to go out and rape somebody?

It was like I answered my own question. He didn't need to do it, that's why he didn't do it, he's being framed, it's a mistake, something like that. I wouldn't put a frame past some of the people he mixes with. Next thing I hear the kids and I go in to shush them, only it's too late, and Mike, he sees the cop, I hope he didn't hear nothing. I pat his head and tell him to get back in bed, it's too early, I'll be back in soon, and I shut the door. By this time, Harry's dressed, he's brushing his teeth, and I say to him he doesn't want to go down to the station house without a shave. The cop says hurry up.

He's getting ready to go and I give him a glass of orange juice. He says he can't go nowhere without a cup of coffee, but the cop says come on, and they go. The door closes and I feel like I'm going to go out of my mind waiting to hear what happens. I open the window and when I see them I yell, "Call a lawyer!"

Harry gives me a dirty look, and I realize people in the street can hear me. They watch him getting into the cop car. Whatever I do is wrong!

Mary should've kept her big mouth shut. I don't need the neighbors knowing nothing. This'll all get cleared up. When you fuck some broads, they'll squawk to hurt you. I just need to think my way out of this.

The cop has a buddy in the car. The buddy sits with me in the back. He don't need to put cuffs on. I hold my hands in my lap and concentrate on thinking. Mary is right. I got to think lawyer. They know how to fuck the law before this kind of thing gets out of hand.

So I'm riding along thinking this here friend of mine Tony Ludo once got into real trouble over what started out like nothing. You know how you get to talking to a woman in a bar, she says something to you, you answer, you talk some more, and somewhere along the line she puts her hand not too accidentally on your leg, some sign like that, and you ask to take her home. So Tony takes this woman, Angie was her name, something like that, to her place, and they do the normal, you know, couple more drinks, a feel, and pretty soon he's throwing it to her on the bed.

The way Tony tells it this Angie was real hungry. Tony's got this thing he does, he works out on the parallel bars and all that and he's got strong arms, and he just positions his whole body forward so his head's past the woman's head. He explained it, this is so her clit gets the action, and this woman Angie, she likes what Tony's doing so much she comes like a maniac, yelling and all, and Tony, he's just about to let go when he hears the door. I tell you he's got ears like a dog to hear like that. He says what's that, and Angie slides out from under, leaving Tony hung up, and there's this guy standing there with keys in his hand. Tony knows he's gotta be Angie's husband, right, and this guy says to Angie why doesn't she finish him off as if he's used to finding her screwing somebody. Tony figures to get out of there fast, pulls his clothes on while this guy's making cracks at him, and Tony tells him to shut up, and that gets the guy mad. Listen how crazy this is, the guy isn't mad at Tony for screwing his wife, he's mad because Tony told him to shut up! Well, according to Tony, this guy shoves him, and anybody knows Tony'll tell you you don't shove Tony Ludo, he smashes his fist into the guy's face, the guy reaches for something on the table, and Tony don't want to get hurt so he smashes the guy again, remember he's got these arms from the parallel bars, right, and the guy crumples up out cold. The woman is crying, it's a mess, and Tony splits. It's all right to go to a little bit of trouble to get laid, but that was too much. Tony goes back to the bar, and he's not there half an hour when the cops come in and arrest him and take him down to the station house and book him for murder cause Angie's husband is dead.

Dead? Jesus, you can imagine how Tony reacted. He's been in a hundred fights like that, somebody gets hurt, but dead? And wait'll his wife finds out what the fight was about, how's he gonna explain? I mean Tony was just collecting a piece of ass that was offered him, no big thing, right?

The cops, they let Tony call a lawyer and he calls Brady. Brady's the one who keeps Tony's Shylock friends out of the cooler and he works for Teamsters and the garbage people, he's gotta be good. He gets Tony sprung on bail, gets the charge reduced to manslaughter two, it goes to trial. Brady goes to see the widow, commiserates with her, sees what kind of animal she is, hints that Tony wouldn't mind coming around once in a while to do his parallel bars trick, but he couldn't do it if he was in jail, could he? Besides, he finds out that her husband reached for a screwdriver after he got hit the first time, and a screwdriver can be one lethal weapon, right? So he goes to trial with the guy's widow as the chief defense witness, I mean he's a genius, and Tony gets off innocent. I figure Brady's my man.

Meanwhile they're taking my picture and fingerprinting me just like in the movies, so I say how about a lawyer.

"Make it fast," they tell me, just to be tough. I tell this cop, he's a sergeant, "I'm innocent till proved guilty, right? Well, I'm innocent, so don't hustle me. I got to look up the number." Brady's number is in the book all right, but that cockamamie secretary of his tells me he's busy. Busy? I'm gonna end up in the can unless I get Brady. So I says to the cop the sergeant left with me, "I got a right to talk to my lawyer privately," and he moves to the other side of the room, but watches me like I'm a crook going to steal something, and I cover the mouthpiece some and turn my back to the cop and I say to Brady's secretary, "Look, pussy, I'm gonna come up there and spread your legs unless you let me talk to him," and in a minute he's on the phone saying, "Were you threatening my secretary?" and I say, "Nah, nah, it was just my way of getting to talk to you." He starts to dish me that real busy crap and I say I was referenced by Tony Ludo. "Okay," he says, "you come up and we'll talk and I'll recommend somebody for you."

"Are you kidding?" I say. "I been arrested. I'm calling from the station. I been mugged and printed and all."

"What's the charge?" he asks.

I look to see if the cop can hear me. "Rape," I whisper.

I could hear Brady say, "Jesus!" He talks to someone in his office, I don't know what, and then he comes back on the line and says, "Koslak, I'll have to get you before a judge so we can get you bailed. What police station are you at?"

I tell him and say "Hurry," and he hangs up. "We wait here for the lawyer?" I ask the cop. The cop says, "Follow me," and would you know he puts me in the slammer to wait?

It must have been hours before someone shows, a fellow who looks so young I figure he can't be Brady. I say, "Are you Brady?" and he says "I'm an associate."

"What's an associate?"

"I work with Mr. Brady."

This associate ain't giving anything to anybody. You could hardly figure him for a human being. No sign of friendliness or anything. We're put in this tiny room alone and he asks me some stupid questions and then I put it to him, "How come you're so friendly?"