K. Randis - Spilled Milk

“It’s not?”

“There’s no blood.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t have any blood on me. There’s no blood.” He pointed into his boxers.

I realized he was talking about me not being a virgin. What could I say?

“Yea, um, I mean I don’t think that happens to every girl. Just some of them.”

“Really?” Paul pulled his shirt on to hide the disappointment in his face.

“Yea, I’m a girl. I would know.” It wasn’t a total lie.

“Oh. Well, okay. You feeling all right?”

I sighed at his change of subject. I could have told him about everything that was going on; my dad, the house I grew up in. I didn’t want to remember my first time like that. My real first time. Instead I vowed to tell somebody soon.

There was something wrong about what was going on in my life, I wasn’t sure to what extent but the only way I would find out is to see what somebody else thought. I nodded my head and pulled him closer.

“Never better,” I said, kissing his lips.

“Did it hurt? Were you scared? Were there weird noises? No one was home right?” Cristin and I were playing twenty one questions for over an hour at that point.

I made the mistake of telling her about Paul and I having sex. Summer started a week ago, technically I lost my virginity a month ago, but Cristin would never know the difference. I wanted to dodge the probability of people talking about my sex life, so I waited until school was over to tell my best friend. I munched on a tortilla chip and twirled around on the chair in her bedroom. We always made it a point to have a sleepover as soon as possible when the school year ended.

“Geeze, you would think this concept is new to you,” I teased. “You would think you never had sex before.”

Cristin rolled her eyes. “Well of course I have had sex before, I just never thought you would.”

“We waited ten months.”

“I know.” She shook her head. “Poor kid.”

We both laughed.

“Why’d you wait that long anyway?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t going to get what he wanted and bail. If he stuck around this long, I know it’s not for the sex.”

Cristin twirled a piece of her hair like she often did when she considered something. “True. Good point. I should try that sometime. So anyway, when is your mom due? I saw her at the grocery store last week and she looked like she was about to burst.”

“Any day now. Hopefully not before I get back from my aunt’s though, I want to be there.”

“You’re going for a week?”

“Yea. Just to get away. She paid for the airline ticket and then asked my parents if I could go to Florida. She said she needed help with my cousins. So they didn’t really have a choice but to say yes.” I tapped my foot thinking about the warm weather and ocean. “I’m excited.”

“To scope out the cute guys there?”

“To see my cousins.”

Cristin slid off the bed and cocked one hip to the side to study the library of movies she had on her shelves. “Wanna watch something? I’m not tired yet.”

“Sure. Pick whatever.”

I crumpled up the chip bag and set it on the floor next to her bedroom door so we’d remember to bring it down to the kitchen later. Cristin’s mom inquired about my mom’s pregnancy earlier. “So there’s almost fourteen years between the baby and Kat huh? It’s almost like he’ll be an only child, everyone else will be all grown up by the time he’s your age.”

She smiled as if this was pleasant news, but she brought up a point I hadn’t thought of. This baby was going to be on his own, living in the house by himself while I was off at college and starting my life. There would be no one there to protect him. We would all be too old. He would have to go at it alone. It gave me a sense of urgency that maybe I should start to see what people thought about what was going on in my house. The thought turned my stomach.

“You okay? Too many chips or something?” Cristin slipped a DVD in and grabbed the remote before joining me on the bed. She propped up some pillows and crossed her ankles.

“Yea, maybe. I’m okay.” I clenched my hand in a fist and rehearsed what I was about to say one more time. “Cristin, can I ask you something?”

“Sure. Shoot.” The remote jammed on channel four and she pressed the input button with hatred to get the TV to switch over.

I couldn’t look at her when I said it. “Have you ever had a dream that your Dad comes into your room?”

She looked at me. “Hmm, my dad coming into my room?”

The time she took to consider the question was agonizing. What if she asks me why? What if she doesn’t believe me? Her dad is so nice, there’s no way she could understand.

“I had a dream my dad showed up to school with a My Little Pony lunchbox once. Horrifying. Does that count?”

Her response confirmed what I was dreading. For anyone who wasn’t experiencing what I was, it was hard for them to even consider the question I just posed to have any deeper meaning than it did. The last thing on her mind would be that something sexual or physical was happening. Instead, she took the question as innocently as I had given it to her.

If Cristin had asked me if I ever had a dream my father was in my room, my first question would have been ‘To do what?’ Our minds were in completely different places. For Cristin’s sake, I was glad they were.

A similar feeling to the one I had when Adam wouldn’t understand what I was saying presented itself. It was like every person I told, when they didn’t take the bait I was trying to throw out, gave me one more reason to try someone else. Say something different. Try again to find someone who knows exactly what I was asking, and exactly what I meant without even needing to say it out loud. There had to be someone.

I gave her a crooked smile. “Could have been worse. He could have shown up with a Barney lunch box.”

She figured out the remote and clicked the lamp off next to her. “Ah, very true.”

My plane touched down in Florida and I cruised through the airport toward the baggage claim signs like my Aunt Nikki told me to. I spotted her waiting and quickened my pace.

“Ohh beautiful, how was your flight?” She wrapped her arms around me and then held me back. “You’re stunning, and so tall! I haven’t seen you in almost two years.”

“I know!” I beamed at her. Aunt Nikki was Mom’s youngest sister. There wasn’t much of an age difference between us, so she knew all the latest music and style trends. I could guarantee a shopping spree was in my near future.

“Uncle Jake has the car waiting so let’s grab your things and hurry hurry.”

I shut the car door and Uncle Jake turned to look at me. “Wow look how big you are. Geeze, everyone grows up so fast. Sorry I couldn’t get out to give you a hug, they were giving me a hard time just sitting here with the car.”

Once on the highway we chatted about school and work until we pulled into their development.

“The boys still have one more week of daycare.” Aunt Nikki turned and winked at me. “I figured it would give us time during the day to catch up and do some girl things.”

I nodded and winked back at her. I knew when she told my Mom and Dad she needed me to visit to help her with the kids it was a ploy. She was always a more than capable mother.

After the boys went to bed that night Aunt Nikki and I caught up out on her deck

“You’re sixteen aren’t you?” Aunt Nikki took the recliner next to me and passed a glass of white wine to me.

“Fifteen. What’s this?”