K. Randis - Spilled Milk

The front door opened and Paul bounded up the stairs. He didn’t notice I was sitting there at first but when he did threw his hands up. “You! What are you still doing here?”

“Paul!” Gina glared at him.

“What? I didn’t invite her. She just shows up and thinks she can have dinner with my family and not tell me? This isn’t her family.”

He looked at me. “This isn’t your family. Go be with your own. No one wants you here.” He stormed off towards his room and slammed the door, vibrating the house.

Lou slid his chair back and flicked his napkin onto his plate. “I’ll talk to him.”

Gina picked up plates from the table. “I’m sorry honey. I don’t know what his problem is. Lou will talk to him.”

Some yelling floated down the hallway and then it got quiet. After a few minutes, Lou appeared and ran his fingers through his hair. “All right hun, uh, why don’t you go ahead and bring Brooke home.”

He shook his head at me. “Sorry, he just doesn’t want to talk right now.”

Gina backed the minivan out of the driveway and headed towards my house. The tension between Paul and I was crushing me. I had no idea what I did to make him so angry.

“Don’t worry about him,” Gina said. I always felt like she could read my mind. “I’ll talk to him when I get home. He has no business talking to you like that.”

I nodded and said nothing. We passed the main part of town and I focused on anything that was outside the window.

“So how are things at home, really?”

It was the second time she’d ask me that question and still I didn’t know how to answer her. I wanted to trust her. Over the past few months we grew pretty close. Paul said it was because she always wanted a daughter. I thought it was because she picked up on something that she couldn’t quite put her finger on and wanted to know more about me. Either way, I enjoyed the long talks we got to have whenever she would drive me home which was starting to become an every night thing.

“Sometimes, I feel like I don’t belong in my family.”

Gina nodded but said nothing. She was an excellent listener.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You know my mom is pregnant, and I have a lot of things going on. Sometimes it’s just a lot.”

“You’re a strong person.” Gina turned into my development. “You take on a lot of responsibility for your age from what you and Paulie tell me. Strong people sometimes have to make hard decisions because they can’t rely on anyone else. But God only gives you what you can handle, nothing more, nothing less.”

“Yea.” I sighed as we came to a stop in my driveway.

“I’ll always listen. You know that?”

I nodded and she brushed my cheek. “See you tomorrow sweetheart.”

Adam got his license and started driving us to school in the mornings. I felt distant from him ever since we moved to Pennsylvania. He had a group of friends that dressed in skull clothing and painted their nails black. They listened to screaming rock music. We started to have less and less in common, so since he got his license I figured a way for us to spend time together would be for him to drive me around.

I thought about what Gina said as Adam drove me over to Paul’s house that weekend. I thought that maybe if I wasn’t strong enough to face what was going on at our house, maybe I would feel better knowing I had an ally. Who better to support me than my own brother?

“I don’t understand why dad has to scream so much. Most of the time I just block him out.” Adam fiddled with the radio and paid little attention to the conversation I was trying to start. “Is it me or is he really loud?”

“Yea, he’s loud.”

“I hate when he screams. Don’t you?”

“I guess so.”

“You guess?”I sighed and tried to go in another direction. “I hate when he hits you guys.”

“Yea I bet. He never hits you.” His tone was flat.

“Yea… he treats us different.”

“Just you, Brooke.”

I was sure there was animosity in his tone that time.

“What’s that mean?”

“It means you’re the favorite. You always get what you want, when you want it.”

“I do not.”

Adam whistled. “Someone’s in denial. Tell me, when’s the last time you said ‘Daddy, I really want the kind of sneakers Cristin has’ or ‘Daddy, I want to go on the field trip that costs fifty dollars’ and he told you no?” Adam shook his head. “We all know you’re the favorite. I’m surprised you don’t.”

He was right. Anytime I wanted anything I always got it. I never really realized how often he told Adam, Thomas and Kat no, but now that he pointed it out, it was a lot.

There were special bed times, special Christmas gifts, and other things they never got. Adam made me realize that I had a little more control over Dad than I thought I did. Anything I wanted to keep his secret was mine.

“I guess I didn’t notice that before.”

Adam pulled into Paul’s driveway and unlocked the car doors. “Well, now you know.”

I gripped the door handle and looked into Adam’s sea blue eyes. He looked worn, like me, but he didn’t have that spark. There was a spark that pushed me to start questioning and probing; to start re-evaluating what was going on, and to figure out what to do with the new information.

“Yea. I do know, now. Thanks Adam.”

He looked confused as I hopped out of the car.

Paul was propped up on his bed with the TV on when I walked into his room. He looked at me and his eyes told me he was sorry. I didn’t call or text for two days after he had yelled at me, and I think my silence scared him. He held out his arms without saying anything, and I more than eagerly fell into them.

“I’m sorry.” He kissed my forehead. “The guys have been giving me a lot of pressure lately. I’m the only virgin and they keep asking for details.”

I ran my fingers over his arms. “I know. I just don’t feel comfortable with them knowing details like that about us. It’s private, between us, ya know?”

He nodded and pulled my face closer to his. After a few minutes of kissing his hands caressed my sides and flowed down to linger over my zipper. I held my breath as his fingertips slid under the top of my jeans and I pulled his hand away. “Your mom-”

“Won’t be home for another hour,” he finished.

“Do you have-?”

“Yes.”

With one arm he slid me underneath him and put his other hand through my hair. His lips were searching, needing, all over my face and down my neck. I pulled at his shirt and it dropped to the floor.

He lifted me upward and slid his hand underneath my shirt. His chest pressed firmly against mine. My skin danced with every detailed movement he made. I moaned, softly, and it made him rise against my leg. We both wanted it. When I felt him inside me I eased into his rhythm and sank deeper.

We sprawled across the bed afterwards, smiling, holding each other’s hand. He brushed a piece of hair from my face and took my lips into his. “I love you, Brooke.”

I closed my eyes. I didn’t tell him, but I wanted to hear him say those three words, sincerely, before I gave myself to him. The timing was perfect.

“Hey, let’s get our clothes on. My mom’ll be home soon.” He reached for my shirt and threw it towards me, facing away as he slid his pants on.

“Hey. Wait a minute.”

I pulled my shirt on. “Yea?”

He looked down at himself. Then at me. “Something’s different.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know. I mean I guess everyone is different but-” He continued to look down and check things out.

“Something wrong?” I started to panic. Did he know?

“No. I mean, the guys just all told me how cool it was to pop a girl’s cherry. And since we’re both virgins, I thought it would be like what happened with them.”