Peter Stjernström - The Best Book in the World

That’s how it must be. He has painted himself into a corner. Now he is standing there, surrounded, pushed up against the wall.

But he has a fucking great manuscript on his hard drive.

Almost finished!

A bit too good to be true?

To reach people one should use language that is full of imagery. Several investigations by American presidential election campaigns show that the candidate who uses the most metaphors wins the election.

The following metaphors are recommended for tight situations at press conferences and can be easily adapted to different branches and situations. The selection is based on quotes from the legendary Detective Chief Inspector Håkan Rink.

Regrettably, we have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Now we must look beyond the horizon.

We must weather the storm.

A bit of spray never hurt anybody.

There is something fishy about this.

Now we’ve got the wind in our sails.

He has sunk very deep.

Other serial killers are waiting on the lee side.

They are splashing about in a backwater.

Like ripples on the surface.

We are following a strong lodestar.

And we have an inner compass.

We pour oil on the waters.

It’s a question of staying afloat.

Now he’ll have the wind against him.

The mist is lifting.

Full steam ahead.

Time to sever the hawser.

Now we’ll launch her.

We’ll reach shore yet.

The coast is clear.

We’ll soon be in harbour.

Astra is back from her holiday and has arranged a little meeting. Since only three people know about the project, they are gathering at Astra’s flat. Titus usually only visits Winchester’s either when he’s got a new book coming out, or if there is a party there. There is no reason to turn up now and start speculation as to what is in the offing.

Publishing people are experts on speculation and conspiracy theories. One might well think that book publishing is their core activity: to refine the work of their authors with the best interests of the readers in mind, to do everything in their power to market and sell books in the best way possible. And, indeed, they do all of that. But what really absorbs most of their time and energy is speculation and conspiracies: buttering up agents to try to steal profitable authors from other houses, getting authors with falling sales figures to write less often or even to switch to another publisher, watching every step that their competitors take. If, for example, another company publishes a book by an author they have turned down, they must be on their guard – the wrong rhetoric at that stage can lead to devastating articles on the arts pages, and their brand name could be undermined. If the sales figures are bad, then they must get their message out quickly: ‘We said no to that manuscript straight away. No commercial potential at all – a child could have seen that.’ If it’s a success, then the opposite applies: ‘Yes, we were sent the manuscript. We got it first, as usual. Unfortunately we were in the midst of a rather complicated re-organisation at the time because things are going so exceptionally well for us. The selection process fell between two stools. But we would like to be the first to congratulate the author.’

Astra Larsson plays the publishing game brilliantly, but on two important counts she differs from many others: she is more interested in succeeding than she is afraid of failing, and she spreads positive vibes which soon extend in good circles. She loves her publishing house. Her publishing house loves her.

Of course, she gives Titus a warm hug at the door.

‘Hello, Titus, you’re looking really well!’

‘Thanks, same to you. Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you with such a tan before. Have you had a good time?’

‘Fantastic. A real holiday. Snorkelling, eating good food, renting a moped. I didn’t even have any sticky manuscripts with me, I read completely ordinary books. It was great. Come in!’

They enter the living room. There sits Evita in an enormous egg armchair in reddish-brown leather. When she sees Titus, she gets up and approaches him with open arms.

‘Hello Titus. Been a long time!’

‘Indeed. Lovely to see you.’

Titus hugs Evita and sits down on the sofa. Astra asks if he wants a latte or double espresso. He chooses espresso and Astra goes into the kitchen area. Soon there is a hissing and buzzing from the coffee machine. They chat about the summer. Evita says a new baker has come to the island where she has her summer house. He bakes unbeatable Karlsbader buns. Astra wonders what they are. Evita explains how wonderful they taste instead of answering the question. Astra describes her island-hopping in Greece. Evita wonders aloud if there are still a lot of guys on the beaches trying to pick you up. Astra describes the Greek food instead of answering the question.

Titus doesn’t say much. He realises that he has hardly done anything special at all during the summer, but it has been one of the most exciting periods in all his life. He has penetrated deep inside the brain of a serial murderer, he has done research on how human relations work in the police force, he has learnt lots about surrealism, art history, cooking, the behaviour of drug addicts, losing weight, the mass media and a whole lot of other useful stuff. He has produced great experiences without having to experience the slightest bit of them himself. Not since his visit to Dr Rolf, at any rate.

‘So, what’s your summer been like?’ Evita wonders, looking at Titus.

He’s looking really young, she thinks. She remembers him as bigger and more heavily built. Not exactly bloated, but lacking sculptural form. Now he looks really fit, with decent proportions. Hasn’t he got a bit of a tan too? Mm, what a smasher, she thinks, and tries to catch Astra’s eye to exchange a meaningful look.

Astra sees it and responds with a smile, neutral but not too encouraging. She knows that Evita devours men like builders devour burgers and she doesn’t think Titus is particularly interested in that type of attention. But sure, he does look like a new man. She is glad for Titus’ sake. It is a good omen.

‘It’s been a good summer. A bit rough at the beginning, but it got better and better,’ says Titus, who realises that they are curious as to how things have gone.

Now it’s a matter of delivering the goods. He doesn’t beat around the bush.

‘The structure works well. It is short and concise, just as we discussed. Now I’m incorporating a really juicy crisis. This is going to be something quite extraordinary.’

‘Gosh, how exciting. Tell us!’ says Astra enthusiastically.

Titus gives them a serious look and, after a theatrical pause, lowers his voice to a minimum volume.

‘After a long chase, Håkan Rink and his team know who the murderer is. They have even ascertained his whereabouts. When the police go in to grab him, it transpires that the whole thing is a gigantic set-up. The murderer has his own agenda and has steered the investigation exactly where he wants it. He is aware that Håkan Rink has become a national hero through his press conferences, which are broadcast live at prime time. Rink has solemnly vowed to bring an end to the surrealist terror. The murderer is fed up with all of that, and he is going to show that it is he who is in control. To the very end.’

Titus is silent.

‘Then what happens?’ Evits asks eagerly.

He looks at her thoughtfully.

‘I’m not going to say any more now. I think it’s bad karma for the project to talk about things that haven’t been written yet. But this I can say: it will be very degrading for all parties. Very, very unpleasant.’