Peter Stjernström - The Best Book in the World

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Two authors. One idea. Who will be the first to write the best book in the world? This hilarious new Scandinavian sensation from Swedish author Peter Stjernström is a witty satire that can’t be missed! Titus Jensen is waiting for his big break. But he’s middle-aged, has rather a fondness for alcohol and no one seems to take his writing seriously enough. Eddie X is cool. Eddie X is a hit with the ladies and loves being the centre of attention. A radical poet and regular on the festival circuit, he is looking for his next big project to gain more adoring fans. One night, after a successful literary event at which Titus reads from
and Eddie X waxes lyrical to the thrashing tones of metal band The Tourettes, the unlikely pair get horribly drunk together and hatch a plan. There’s only one thing for a budding writer to do to get worldwide recognition: write the best book in the world—a book so amazing that it will end up on all the bestseller lists in every category imaginable, thriller, self-help, cookery, business, dieting—a book that combines everything in one! But there is only room for one such amazing book and as the alcohol-induced haze clears Titus and Eddie X both realise they are not willing to share the limelight. Who will win the race to write the best book in the world, and to what unimaginable lengths will they go to get there first? Hilariously quirky but surprisingly touching, The Best Book in the World will take you on a meandering race to the finish line, throwing plenty of satirical punches along the way.

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A local guy. You could tell from his accent. Good, somebody he could rely on, Titus persuades himself.

‘Come in.’

‘Yeah, right you are. It was this door, I gather.’

‘Yes, that’s the only door to the flat. Was it Astra Larsson who phoned you?’

‘Yeah, that’s the one. Nice lady. Phoned from Greece. Said it was urgent. So I came at once.’

‘The same day? Did she phone today, I mean?’

‘Yeah, right. I was busy with something on Hornsgatan before this. Took a bit of time. But got it done quickly anyway.’

Titus breathes out. In that case he hasn’t been unconscious for long.

‘I’m glad you’re here. Do what you have to do. Just go ahead with it.’

‘Yeah, you know, you can’t have this sort of door nowadays.’

‘No, I’ve noticed.’

‘I mean, just look at this. Come out here.’

The locksmith takes Titus out into the stairwell outside the flat and closes the door from outside. Then he pulls out a credit card from his wallet and slides it into the chink between the door and the doorpost just above the bolt. He pulls it downwards in the chink more or less like on an ordinary card reader in a shop. The card catches the bevelled bolt and pushes it easy as pie into its hole in the door, which opens without resistance.

‘Get it? You can’t have it like this, you realise that don’t you? Even a kid could get in through this door.’

‘Oh dear. Can you fix that?’

‘Sure. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it? She, the Greek lady, said that I should do a real state-of-the-art solution. I’ll make it like a bank vault, you know.’

‘That’s great. Thanks.’

‘Yeah, you know, first there’ll be an eight-millimetre titanium plate along the whole edge. Then there’ll be triple locks: an ordinary lock, a seven-lever and a nine-lever. Or do you want a code lock too? You can get them with combinations of up to ten digits.’

‘No, I think it’s enough having to keep track of three keys.’

‘Okay, that’s settled then. It’s your door, you know? I’ll have to re-bevel the hinges too. Fix a plate all the way down. Then nobody can get at it, you know. Idiot-proof. The lady is forking out for this, don’t worry.’

‘Okay. Can you manage on your own now for a while?’

Now that Titus is awake, he wants to get into the computer as soon as possible to check that everything is still there. He leaves the locksmith, who immediately starts measuring up and pulling things out of his toolbox.

Titus blow-starts the computer.

Hello, Titus! Welcome back. After six hours I will shut down and save your work. Then you will have at least a two-hour break as usual. If you don’t use me for three days then you will have to start from scratch. Have a nice day!

Titus is amazed at how the message varies every time he turns on the computer. It must be a very complicated program that Astra has installed. No wonder the poor authors only get a quarter of the sales proceeds from their books, the software developers in Silicon Valley have to have their share, he thinks. It must cost a fortune to construct breathalyser locks that check enzymes.

Click, click, click. At last he gets to the folders on the hard disk. Everything is still there! The manuscript is where it should be. He opens the file and breathes out. All the characters are still there, every single one.

Now he must think. His worst fears have proved right. Eddie has conned him. It is extremely likely that he is fully occupied with writing The Best Book in the World. The Summer programme was just standard Eddie stuff, he had probably used most of the material earlier in his shows. He only had to gather it together, go into the studio and dazzle the public. Eddie X can do that – arousing emotions is his speciality. And perhaps Eddie is sitting somewhere working on a matchless book manuscript this very second! He is going to entrance people with that too.

Titus has got big problems. Eddie is the worst competitor imaginable.

And on top of it all, Lenny is trying to break into the flat. It must be Lenny, after all. Who else could it be? But what is he after? What could it benefit him to steal a manuscript? He could never publish Titus’ book under his own name, there would be an outcry on the arts pages and a much publicised trial about copyright infringement. No, this is more a question of intellectual espionage: Lenny is trying to steal his ideas. There is no copyright protection for ideas. Anybody can steal an idea, at any time, even Lenny. That means there are two possibilities. It’s possible that somebody is trying to pinch ideas for their own use, but how likely is that? Lenny doesn’t feel like an entrepreneur who develops ideas. Lenny is a rocker. If it was about pinching a sketch for a tattoo, well perhaps. But ideas for The Best Book in the World? Hardly. Which leaves us with the other possibility: Lenny is stealing on somebody else’s behalf.

Eddie.

It is Eddie X who lies behind this. That’s how it is. It can’t be anything else. The sweet poetry evidently has other sides. Hidden, dark, dangerous sides. Titus can hardly believe his own thoughts – is it possible? Who would have thought that Sweden’s new darling is a liar and a burglar?

Titus looks at his watch. Half-past four. He decides to try to phone Christer Hermansson at the City Library and ask if Eddie has perhaps come back to his reading room after the radio programme. On the other hand, Eddie would never miss an opportunity to receive the adoration of the public. Titus knows that. He is probably sitting at the Association Bar and drinking wine, mingling with beautiful and happy people. Laughing and smiling, making hormones race. The personification of friendliness.

But it’s worth a try. In any case, he has no better strategy. He feels empty. He must find out what Eddie is doing. Titus hopes that Christer Hermansson isn’t on holiday, but he doesn’t seem to be the type who likes summer holidays.

‘Welcome to the Stockholm City Library. You are speaking to Christer Hermansson, acting Library Director.’

‘Hi Christer, Titus here.’

‘Well, well, Titus Jensen,’ Christer Hermansson answers with his most reserved voice. ‘Nice of you to call. May I recommend an excellent book: Emperors and Generals: The Men behind Rome’s Successes?’

‘Always amusing. No, Christer, I want to ask you a favour.’

‘Of course. Ich bin ein bibliothekar. Your book request is my command.’

‘I don’t want to borrow anything. I wonder if you would be really kind and go down to Eddie’s reading room and see if he is in it, or if somebody else is there. Please, Christer, can you do that?’

Christer doesn’t answer immediately. He must delve into his conscience and see whether Titus’ request conflicts with some library regulation. No, it doesn’t: a librarian evidently has every right to supply the names of people who have visited the library. Christer Hermansson has never been asked before, but is sure that he is right. He always is.

‘Yes, that’s okay. I can arrange that.’

‘That’s nice of you. Super.’

‘Hold on. I’ll switch this call to the portable phone.’

Some clicking sounds follow. There is silence for a moment, then the buzzing returns. Titus hears Christer’s footsteps in the library. Half a minute passes. The footsteps fade. Christer opens a door. Footsteps again, a bit slower now. At last he is inside Eddie’s reading room.

‘Hello, Christer! Are you there? Hello?’ Titus shouts loudly.

The locksmith looks into the room and stares at him, all eyes.

‘No, I’m called Tommy. Not Christer.’

‘Oops, I didn’t mean you. I’m talking on the phone,’ says Titus and makes a hushing gesture with his hand.

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