Jáchym Topol - City, Sister, Silver

That string in my head, I only felt it rarely now … I’d set up a regular time for sitting on the platform, that was my time to think about Černá, I’d given up believing she’d ever step off the train … given up being scared of it too … and when I’d jump out of my skin, it was always a different girl … and somehow I’d make it through the rest of the day, walking, wandering, sleeping … it occurred to me to try leavin the station, goin by my place on Gasworks, pick up my clothes and some money, there’d be something there, wash up so I wouldn’t stick out so much, and then go where I had to go, and do it. I gave my pistol a pat.

She talked to me first. Nothin much, but young, strawberry blonde, face kina runny. Took my hand. One word led to the next, our shoulders touched. I groped her under the table so it’d be obvious. She held on. Egh, I neighed on the inside … checked my getup, the lighting was dim, puffed out my chest … after a few shots we were all over each other … and I was turned on, so I’m absolutely positively getting better, I thought to myself. I kept drinking till nightfall so she wouldn’t notice how keyed up I was. I was looking forward to Gasworks. This way it would be … healthier. Up until now I couldn’t’ve imagined standing next to that sink again. Like I had that time with her. There might even be some of her things there still, trifles.

Ginger was a sociable one. Nurse on vacation in the little mother. Bullshit, no doubt, but it sounded nice. So if I trip an bust my face, you’d bandage me up, right? I’ll bandage you so good … you haven’t lived till you’ve been bandaged by me, she poured it on. We made a deal, I’d get the drinks, she’d get the cab. Either we’d stay at my place, or grab the cash an go somewhere. I’ll hit the cellar first thing in the morning, it’ll be a classy farewell … I told myself. With a manly smile. She got a little wild in the cab.

Yep … this is Gasworks, the driver said. Same name still.

I recognized the store on the corner, but except for that … my street, which used to be one of the worst … lots of buildings had new facades, wait a sec, leggo, I pushed her off, a fashion boutique, a toyfil store, a crystal shop, here? … a bank, this is unbelievable …

You gettin out, or do you want me to keep goin?

Wait here, I told him and the redhead, moving as if in a dream. At number 23, where my place should’ve been, was a hotel. Glass doors, dish jockeys, cactuses … Hotel Evropa, yeah, that’s original … Chinese tombs on the walls, all the frills … unobtrusive music, red carpet …

Where do you think you’re going? A fellow in a uniform stopped me, reception clerk. He surveyed my attire under the glowing chandeliers.

I live here.

Uh-huh … we’ll see about that. Which étagère?

Which what?

Which room.

Number nine, on the courtyard.

Oh, that’s gone now, sir. This is a hotel now, as you see for yourself.

Where’s my stuff, dammit!

Make an appointment at City Hall, sec. 77. All previous tenants who failed to submit claims were relocated to the City Dump. You must have neglected to submit your claim by 9/7!

What claim? That’s my stuff!

We’ve had cases like yours before. But if you haven’t submitted your claim yet, I’m afraid it’s too late.

What the …?

You won’t get any space from us.

Where’re all the resta the people that used to live here?

Where do you think? They went somewhere else.

I staggered back to the cab. This is unreal … my nautical maps, my photos … a couple blazers …

Where to?

Back!

It took Ginger a while to get it. So you don’t have anything? Nope. The driver pulled over to let her out. We didn’t even say goodbye. I took off through the bushes and stiffed the cabbie. It was sad, but I had to.

I managed to get drunk just like old times. How far can it go? I asked myself. What am I capable of? The lid was blown off for good. And from all those black corners … all those train station faces, an evil power made its way into me, I don’t excuse myself, it was me who let it in. First I went out behind the ties. To my chamber. Found a bottle there, good boy! Ondra knew that was where I hung out, and left me in peace. Kid’s got this station cased better than anyone, he knows his stuff. And what awaits him, too. If he survives, he’ll turn out a bum. Maybe king of the bums, if he’s strong. Heh, knight on horseback, he’ll get over that soon enough. I got mean … accused Gramps of owing me money … he was by himself and scared, coughed up some change. I drank. What am I capable of? What’ll I do next? That was my refrain. Outta my way, asshole … I shoved someone aside … someone who maybe the day before I’d drank with, hugged, searched for the same words, maybe even bedded down next to in the same lousy rags … his story, I bared my teeth at the loser, he kept his mouth shut, slunk off. His luck, motherfucker. Coulda had it all behind him, miserable piece a shit. I don’t remember anymore who it was. I went to the men’s room, where sometimes I retreated when the string got too loud … sat there shakin my head, wishin it would stop … and I had to hear all the sounds and the bullshit … it hurt so much! I ripped the mirror off the wall, trashed the place a little. Some upper cruster slipped out. I’m human, what am I capable of. This, I stomped up the bakelite, an this, I punched out the lightbulb, the red stuff came trickling out, that only enraged me more … I went downstairs, at this time of day the hookers were usually by the ladies’ room … you, come with me … no, not you, she was too young for what I wanted, you, picked out an old biddy, some raspy old hosebag, barely draggin … how much ya got? As much as you want … but c’mon, move it … out by the bushes … We walked outside and went up toward the ventilators, into the scanty light’s shadows, I noticed drops on the bushes, dew I guess, can that be? What’d you say … what dew? How do you wannit? She ran her hands over my crotch. I saw that it was Howdoyoudo Lolly. But what would she be doin downstairs, she works a different post … groping me, painted face like a mask … you ain’t even hard … how much ya got? I got this … she knelt on the ground, mouth open, I put the barrel to her forehead, quick, so she wouldn’t see, wouldn’t be scared … squeezed the trigger, she had a hole in her head, and then the sound kicked open the night, blood spurting, mouth still open wide, she tipped backward, legs shooting out, the blast deafened me. No, it couldn’t’ve even hurt, I wasn’t holding the gun anymore … you see, I told myself, that’s what you’re capable of … and if you’d wanted, she could’ve suffered, the possibilities, it’s horrible. So I can do … even this. I stood waiting … somebody must’ve heard it go off, waiting … for someone to come, the cops … anyone at all … but nothing happened, she lay there under the bushes, drops on them. Glistening. Leaves hanging there in the cold light, everything as before. I leaned over her … is it Howdoyoudo or not … and agh … I screamed, or gasped … it was an old lady’s face, white hair, swollen body … the body of my She-Dog, this was the old lady I’d held in my arms there, where she’d given herself to me, in the cellar.

I fled through the park, hands pressed to my face, I could hear my breath and my teeth knocking, couldn’t control my jaws … my face was twitching.

I lay down under a bush, it was almost daylight. My head ached. But the string lay peaceful in the dark. It was a dream, my mind raced … I wouldn’t do something like that … but I didn’t have the pistol … I got up … found the spot. The grass was flattened, yes … this is where she’d been, but there was nothing there now, stains on the leaves … not blood, I tore one off, brown, crusty, barely alive in the wind and the dust … went back inside, dragged myself through the concourse … in the men’s room I ran water over my head … place was all smashed up, but when isn’t it, I can’t tell … they could’ve changed the light-bulb. I went looking for Gramps. By some miracle … I had a little money, bought him a cup of coffee. I know I owe you, Gramps, but about yesterday … yeah, you got sloshed an went off to snooze in the park. Yesterday, Gramps … I heard some lady got killed … hey, what do I know, people talk all kindsa shit here, what’s wit you? Hangover. Yeah yeah … hookers come an hookers go. I guess it was a dream then … I took a sip. Maybe not, said Gramps. Ah! … scalded my tongue. C’mon, Gramps, you know a thing or two. I donno nuttin, what do I know what kina dreams you got … Christ … he shuffled off … you’re goin nuts here, he shouted back at me, better hurry … while you’re still young … get out!