Noah Cicero - The Collected Works of Noah Cicero Vol. II

I don’t wash my hands. I hurry out of the bathroom and sit back down next to Chang.

I tap Chang’s shoulder.

“Yeah.”

I look around the room to see if anybody is looking and whisper to Chang, “I found a whole bottle of Oxies in the bathroom.”

“Are you fucking serious?”

“Yeah, look.”

I slip the bottle out of my pocket.

Chang looks at it and says, “Holy shit! Some drug addict is going to be pissed.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Chang looks serious and says, “We don’t do Oxies. What are we going to do with them?”

“Sell them, dumbass.”

“Oh, good idea. How much can we get?”

“There looks to be like eighty of them in here. That’s fifteen dollars a pill. That equals twelve-hundred dollars.”

“Money.”

“Yeah, money.”

“Who are we going to sell them to? We don’t have any friends.”

“To strippers. We know a bunch of strippers who love Oxies.”

“You’re right, we do.”

“We are badass gangsters now.”

“Yes, we are. Vasily and Chang, badass gangsters.”

“I’m thinking we could take the money and take a little vacation. We could go out west and meet some of our MySpace friends. How’s that sound?”

“Good.”

“I’ll be over around ten tomorrow and we’ll start selling them, cool?”

“My life is so awesome.”

A man with grey skin and acne throws open the door and rushes to the bathroom in a panic.

Chang and I laugh.

Chang and I pull into the Tally Hotel parking lot.

Nadia lives in 408.

“Nadia is a stupid cunt,” Chang says.

“I know, but we need to sell these pills and she’ll buy them.”

“Fine, let’s go.”

We go up the stairs to Nadia’s room.

Knock.

The door opens after two minutes.

Nadia, a young attractive woman with grey skin and acne, motions with her hand for us to come in.

Chang and I go in and sit on the bed.

Nadia sits on the other bed. She’s talking on the phone, saying, “Motherfucker, I don’t need you. Who the fuck you think I am. I’m Nadia. What the fuck. Those guys are here with the shit. I need the shit more than you. Who the fuck, what the fuck, I’m Nadia. I know that ain’t my real name. What the fuck? I gotta go. Go fuck yourself!”

She says, “Okay, I got a hundred dollars. Either you get the hundred dollars or do you want blowjobs?”

“I want a blowjob,” Chang says.

I punch Chang in the arm and say, “Shut the fuck up, Chang. We’re here for the money. Give us your fucking money.”

Nadia says, “You don’t like blowjobs? You gay, Vasily?”

“I ain’t gay bitch, I want the fucking money.”

“Vasily, you a badass now or something? Usually you sit around moping like a fuckhead.”

“Listen here bitch, I’ve been badass my whole life.”

Chang giggles.

“Shut the fuck up, Chang!”

Chang continues to giggle.

“You boys need blowjobs?”

“We don’t need fucking blowjobs. We need money.”

“I got money, but I want to keep it. I want to give blowjobs and keep my money.”

“Where’s the money?”

“Listen, for twenty of them, I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yeah, anything,” Nadia says.

“I’ll give you one if you fart on Chang’s face,” I say.

“You want me to fart on Chang’s face?”

Chang interrupts and says, “Shut the fuck up. I don’t want her farting on my face.”

“Chang, you told me you like that. Here’s your chance, take it.”

“All right, okay.”

“Do we have a deal?” I say.

“You want me to fart on Chang’s face for one free pill and I still give you the hundred dollars for seven pills. So I will get a total of eight if I fart on Chang’s face?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Clothes off or on.”

“Take the bottoms off. He needs the full blast,” I say.

Nadia looks at Chang and says, “Lie down.”

Chang lies down on the bed.

Nadia stands and takes off her black stretch pants.

She gets up on the bed and puts her ass over Chang’s face.

Chang looks really happy. It is kind of disturbing because he barely ever smiles and now he looks like a ten-year-old on a roller coaster.

Nadia pushes and lets one blast, a big rumbling disgusting fart on Chang’s face.

I laugh hysterically.

Nadia begins laughing.

Chang smiles.

Nadia sits down, but doesn’t put her pants back on.

I’m kind of turned on but I want the money.

Chang lies on the bed, smiling.

Nadia says, “You boys are fucked up. But I kind of liked it. I think I’ll start doing that with all my boyfriends.”

“How many boyfriends you got?”

“Anyone that gives me free Oxies is my boyfriend.”

Nadia gives us the money and we give her the Oxies and leave.

We’re in the car.

Chang says to me, “You acted like a badass. It was silly.”

“Dude, you gotta act like a badass. We’re drug dealers. Drug dealers are badasses.”

“I’m five-five and a hundred and thirty pounds.”

“Don’t be a pussy. Man up.”

“I like when bitches fart.”

“So do I.”

“Where are we going?”

“To that strip joint in Warren.”

We are sitting in the strip joint.

It looks like a country western bar with a pole in the corner.

Everyone here is poor and fucked. A bunch of weathered guys sitting around waiting to die.

Nobody looks happy.

Some are laughing, but even their laughter doesn’t really seem like happiness.

I say to Chang, “Look around for a dancer with grey skin and acne.”

“What the fuck are we doing?”

“Making money.”

“Is this how people make money?”

“This is how poor people make money fast.”

“Oh, okay.”

I spot a girl with grey skin and acne.

I don’t know who she is.

I hit Chang on the knee and motion to the dancer.

Chang looks and says, “That’s it, that’s money.”

“Yes, money.”

The dancer goes up on the stage.

I go over to the stage and sit.

She comes over.

She’s a thin white girl with a face that looks broken.

She bends over and shakes her ass.

She pops it.

She turns around and opens her garter for money.

I put a dollar in and say, “You need Oxies?”

She looks at me and without doubt says, “Yes.”

“Come over when you’re done.”

“Okay.”

I walk back to Chang.

I say, “She wants some, we’re making money.”

“Good, money.”

“Yes, money.”

The dancer gets off the stage and walks over.

Money!

She sits and says, “You got some? How much?”

“Fifteen a pill.”

“Sounds good.”

She hands me one-hundred-fifty dollars.

I hand her ten pills.

She doesn’t look happy.

She walks away without saying thank you or goodbye.

“That was easy,” Chang says.

“Yeah, it was.”

“There are still eight more strip joints in the area. We’re set.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve made it. We’re real drug dealers.”

Then a large black man sits down next to me and says, “Do you have a fucking problem?”

This is not good.

Think. What would a real drug dealer do?

“No,” I say.

“I have a problem.”

“What’s your problem?”

“You.”

This is really fucking horrible.

He says, “This is my turf. I sell Oxies here.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“These are my bitches.”

“I’m going to leave now.”

“That is a good fucking idea, and if I see you selling Oxies in here again I’m going to beat your ass.”