Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“Well it’s more like a pamphlet really,” said Conley.

“Fine, here’s a pamphlet detailing the procedures to be followed in the appellate process. If you do appeal a committee will be formed—”

“Never mind all that,” I said. “I was going to quit anyway.”

I got up and started to leave. “Oh well Casi,” said Debi. “Look on the bright side.”

“What’s that?”

“That was lobby security before, seems there’s a disturbing giant of some sort down there and he’s looking for you.”

When I got to the lobby I did some intense skulking whereby I determined that the relevant coast was clear. But not so fast because as I approached the main exit there emerged just past the doors an unnatural series of shadows, their cause so troubling nearby pedestrians that they seemed to think better of any plan that involved proximity to the obscurant. I didn’t wait for the shadows to realize I just turned and booked out a side door where I was forced to do an evasive little 180º spin, pointed to the stranger who forced it, said how’d you like that move , then disappeared into the subway.

By the time I got to my building I was well-disguised having purchased a Yosemite Sam hat and giant novelty sunglasses at the subway station. At the top of the stairs to the second floor I started seeing shattered pieces of wood every few steps until I came to the door to Ralph’s apartment. What I came to really was the remains of that door strewn across the doorway and barely attached to the doorjamb. I stepped on and through those remains and into the apartment. I saw no one.

“Ralph? You here?” I said. I was looking around in a creepy stillness. I was about to give up and take a load off when an icy aggressive hand seized my shoulder from behind. I spun around and fell back a couple steps.

“Take it easy, it’s me,” the owner of the hand said.

“Who?” I said.

“Who he says. Angus, who else?”

“Angus?”

“Yeah man.”

“You look different.”

“It’s me dude.”

“Scared me, where you been man?”

“I’m baaack.”

“What happened to your door?”

“You tell me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that about an hour ago I get a knock on my door. Only I’m not feeling very social or anything so I decide to ignore it, you know, pretend I’m not here. Well the knocking gets more and more insistent and shit and now this crazy voice is saying it knows I’m in there and I better open up, it must have heard me moving you know? Now I’m more determined than ever not to open the door if only based on the sound of that voice which was downright scary, and not in a corny horror movie way either, no I mean really scary and disconcerting like you’re hearing something you’re not supposed to be hearing. Well the thing starts banging harder and harder then suddenly I don’t know any other way to put it other than it just all at once eviscerated the door and came right in. And I don’t know how to break this to you man but it was looking for you.”

“What did he look like?”

“He? Was it a human? If so, the biggest one I’ve ever seen. As for the face I really couldn’t tell you. First of all it’s hard to explain but I was afraid to look at it directly. Second of all it was as if it was in shadows the whole time, only shadows it was itself creating if that makes any sense. Anyway it zipped through here, turned the beds over, then just like that it was gone. So what the hell was that Casi?”

“Did you call the police?”

“Crazy? I highly doubt it would like that and I really don’t want to upset it.”

“What about your door?”

“Forget the door man, what was that?”

“Nothing really, just some guy who wants to literally rip my head off with his bare hands.”

“He could probably do it from what I saw!”

“Not a question of probability really, more like certitude.”

“Why does it want to, you know, do that ripping thing?”

“Long story.”

“How fucking bizarre.”

“Actually one of the less bizarre things currently happening to me.”

I heard the sound of rain and went to the window to see it pouring.

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind.”

“No what’s going on?”

I was so tired. I wondered if so many sharp lines of rain might not devolve all that was solid into non-aqueous liquid. I turned back to Angus.

“What’s going on you say?”

“Yes, what?”

“Well for starters where the fuck you guys been? In all the time I’ve been here I can’t recall this apartment being empty for so much as a minute now suddenly all three of you gone for weeks? With no warning? And then the apartment’s not empty but it’s suddenly inhabited by a fat guy named Ralph? You animated Ralph Kramden didn’t you you fuck? That’s what you were so proud of that night, wasn’t it? He said he was a bus driver and even dressed like one. He wanted to go bowling and golfing. What the fuck? Where is he now? What have you done with him? And I just had a teenager represent me at an insane hearing with a giant gavel. And before with the attacking chimps and giant hot dogs! And don’t forget the not so minor detail of what is occurring outside this very window as we speak.”

“Slow down dude, you’re not making any sense.”

“Of course not, that’s the point!”

“First of all, we didn’t just disappear. We told you we were going to Panama City for spring break remember?”

“No.”

“Yeah we stayed a lot longer than originally planned but you would too if you saw this place. My God, the women.”

“So where’s Alyona? And Louie?”

“Still there dude, I’m the only one came back.”

“What about Ralph?”

“Ralph. Ralph.”

“There was a fat guy living here, I talked to him multiple times. I didn’t imagine it!”

“Oh you must mean John.”

“Who?”

“John, he’s a friend of mine. I told him he could stay here while we were gone. Good guy John. You’re right, he’s pretty fat. I tried to introduce him to you the night of the blackout.”

“He said to call him Ralph. But it was even more than that really.”

“What do you mean?”

“Never mind.”

“Well I should add that John is an actor, not that you would have seen him in anything. The point being that he’ll sometimes do whatever character he’s playing even when he’s not on stage. Dig? So he will get a little weird at times if you’re not expecting it and come to think of it I think he did mention he had just landed a big part at the Bushwick Y or something.”

“Whatever happened with that Honeymooners thing you were doing Angus?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Well you don’t want to know, let’s put it that way, especially if you already think things are getting a little weird.”

“So everything has an explanation’s what you’re saying?”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“You guys didn’t vanish.”

“Nope.”

“And the chubby guy was an actor.”

“Yup, a poor one too by all accounts.”

“I guess I feel better.”

“Good.”

I felt better I guessed. I stared out the window and tapped on the glass making drops of water fly off like jumpers from a plane. “Wait a goddamned minute!” I said. “You almost had me fooled.”

“What?”

“Come here.”

“What?”

“What do you see?”

“Wow it’s really coming down huh?”

“It sure is, that doesn’t bother you?”

“Well I don’t like rain if that’s what you mean.”

“It isn’t. Look through the rain. Up there. See where I’m pointing? What does that say?”