Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“I’ll be representing you at this here proceeding,” he said.

“What are you talking about? Where’s Toomberg?”

“I’m not familiar.”

“Toomberg! Melvyn Toomberg. That’s who’s supposed to represent me today, not you. I’ve never met you before, you look like my paperboy. No offense kid but what kind of lawyer are you? How old are you?”

“Hey I never said I was a lawyer, at least I’m honest right? As far as my age, my understanding is you’re prevented from asking me that under the ADEA”

“What? Read my lips Doogie, where’s Melvyn Toomberg?”

“Oh Marvin Toomberg? The guy who was going to represent you?”

“Melvyn.”

“The guy who was going to represent you?”

“Precisely.”

“Marvin withdrew.”

“What does that mean? Melvyn’s my friend he wouldn’t withdraw.”

“I spoke to him by phone, I think he was in Burma or something. He said to tell you he was sorry but that he couldn’t do it after what happened with The King. Now I’ve never been a big Presley fan myself so I didn’t really pursue it further but that’s what he said, something about letters too. Have you seen him since the letters?”

“Fuck.” I sank into my seat.

“Hey look at that,” Quackmire said. “Above the judge between the two flags. Ha! They got to get that fixed huh? Or maybe they should leave it ha ha! Just kidding, no pun intended.”

“Or created far as I can tell.”

“Okay let’s get started,” said Cymbeline. “Mr. Quackmire, your appearance for the record.” Everybody introduced themselves except me and a line of witnesses sat in the front row. I stood up and interrupted.

“I don’t want this individual to represent me,” I said. “I certainly never agreed to have him serve as my attorney and I understand he’s not even a lawyer. I’ll represent myself is the bottom line.”

“Well I can’t permit that.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t play ignorant. You’re as aware as I am of the rule that the man who represents himself has a fool for a client.”

“Okay that’s a saying not a rule. And so what?”

“That saying has been around a lot longer than you young man and I will abide by it! Are you denying its truth?”

“I’m pointing out that it’s merely a saying and as such represents no binding authority. A saying, like early bird gets the worm . No, worse actually, because at least that particular saying calls for a certain result, if you have a worm and you’re deciding who gets it, the saying dictates you give it to the bird that’s earliest. On the other hand, the saying you’re invoking doesn’t even call for any particular result. Where does it say a person can’t represent himself?”

“It’s a proverb, a maxim if you will, and as such it certainly may serve as legal precedent. I will therefore uphold that statute as I took an oath to do.”

“Now it’s a statute?”

“Mr. Quackmire, who I have known since he was thirteen—”

“When was that? Last year?”

“—will continue as your representative. And you, counselor, will sit down and be quiet or I will enter a summary adverse finding against you immediately. People?”

“Yes your honor?”

“Call your first witness.”

I sat down as Judge Arronaugh strode to the witness stand. Suddenly Cymbeline ducked her head behind the bench as if she’d just remembered something. When her head popped back up she was wearing one of those exaggerated white-curl wigs that actors are always wearing when they sign the Declaration of Independence or something. And now she had this extreme gavel the size of a tricycle in her hand too. “Don’t worry Casi,” Quackmire leaned over to tell me via the left side of his mouth. “We’re going insanity.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Insanity is a complete defense.”

“Maybe so but I’m not insane.”

“How would you know? You’re insane. That’ll be the day, when I let someone who’s criminally insane run the show.”

The testimony itself was not that damaging although Quackmire’s crosses often bore little relation to any conceivable issue and seemed to betray an unhealthy fascination with things like favorite foods and turn-ons. Arronaugh testified that I had made several intemperate remarks during Hurtado and other court personnel testified to other alleged breaches of etiquette. Some DAs testified including McSlappahan. Cymbeline even got on the stand to testify at one point, replacing her wig and jumping back on the bench whenever a ruling was required. But basically, without Soldera, they had nothing and Cymbeline seemed surprised, often shooting glares at her nebbishy law secretary who wouldn’t meet her eyes.

After about an hour of that, during which Quackmire fell asleep several times, Cymbeline banged the giant gavel down, adjusted her wig, stood up clearing her throat and began:

“I find counsel’s arguments regarding his alleged insanity to be specious and delivered in bad faith. He’s as sane as all get out.” I was going to protest that Quackmire had argued that on his own but thought better of it. “Moreover there can be no doubt that the accused more than meets the legal definition of a first-class wiseass. That said I see that a Justice from the Appellate Division is in the audience so I cannot as a matter of law rule that his misconduct is so grave as to warrant the term of imprisonment sought by the People. Regrettably, I now rule that the entire matter will be resolved and dropped with an apology from the accused. Counsel is there something you’d like to tell this court? Counsel?”

The second hearing was in the office’s seventh-floor conference room and I was late. In front of and facing a long rectangular table was a tiny stool I was urged to sit on. At the center of the table sat Debi. To her left were Troie Liszt and Father Cleary and to her right were Conley and Lee Graham looking like he might faint again. Together, as the neon sign above their heads attested, they fully comprised C.O.C.K. or the Committee to Oust Casi Kwickly. “We’re going to begin,” Debi announced. She was wearing a robe but not a judge’s robe, more like a silk one. She looked real good. I wondered how old she was. She wasn’t very wrinkly. “Would you like to make an opening statement Casi?”

“Well I don’t know if this is properly part of my opening or not but the list of alleged offenses that I received refers to an incident with Troie as the aggrieved party.”

“That’s correct, Mr. Liszt, what’s your point?”

“Well only that it now appears he will be part of the body making a determination as to my guilt or innocence.”

“Again, is there a point?”

“Yes, the obvious one that he probably isn’t the best choice to serve as an impartial finder of fact where he is also alleging that I caused him personal harm.”

“Well I’m sure that would be a very convenient state of affairs for you. Then maybe you could go around assaulting every individual who works in this office until there was no one left who could sit on the COCK. Is that what you’re saying?”

“No but—”

“Liszt stays. He’s an invaluable member of this committee and has been since its inception. Anything else?”

“Guess not,” I said. I looked at Conley with squint but he looked away.

“Good, then we’ll begin. Each charge will be read to you individually and you will be given an opportunity to respond. Response times will not exceed one minute and each member of COCK will have the opportunity to interject questions or comments without time limitation. In all instances, the reading of the charge will constitute full, complete, and irrefutable evidentiary proof of that charge in and of itself, meaning no further corroboration will be required. Any questions?”