Sergio De La Pava - A Naked Singularity

“Yes, if they’re irrefutable why should I bother to respond? In fact, why even stay here?”

“COCK isn’t here to advise you how to run your defense Casi. And the time it took you to ask that question is coming off your first minute. Anything else?”

“No.” Cleary wouldn’t look at me either.

“Good. Firstly, it is alleged that the following two people have been subjected to egregious and unwarranted verbal abuse. Clarke Sealey and Solomon Grinn. Go ahead.”

“That’s it? That’s all the specificity I get?”

“…”

“Well?”

“…”

“Who’s Clarke Sealey anyway? I don’t even know.”

“…”

“Who is that Lee? That the guy on the elevator that time?”

“…”

“Well if it is that guy, he was like all happy that a client of mine had gotten fucked up in the arraignment pens so fuck him’s what I say. Bring him in here and I’ll say so to his dopey face. Or better yet I’ll do to him what they did to my client! Wait did I say that out loud? This isn’t going well. If I said anything offensive to him I apologize is what I meant to say. Yes I see that, twenty seconds, I know. As for Grinn. Solomon. The situation—”

“Time!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Strike that from the record,” she said. “That statement was made past the time limit.” I looked around but I didn’t see anybody transcribing. “Continuing,” she continued, “you forged Thomas Swathmore’s signature on a minutes order form costing this office two thousand dollars not including tax.”

“Untrue in every meaningful respect but I needed the minutes and he wasn’t around, sorry.”

“Moving on.”

“Hey, I thought I get a minute.”

“Fine, go on.”

“Nothing further.”

“It is further alleged that you attempted a vicious assault against fellow committee member Troie Liszt and that said assault was only averted due to Mr. Liszt’s above-average reflexes. What do you say in response?”

“About his reflexes?”

“…”

“Well what really happened was—”

“That this assault was completely without provocation and unusually vicious.”

“In my defense I should—”

“That significant expense was incurred by this office in repairing a large patch of wall.”

“Well I can reimburse, if only the office would see fit to disburse a slight loan—”

“That Mr. Liszt has suffered such severe psychological damage as a result of these actions that today is only the second day he has been able to set foot on these premises since the incident.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“You have twenty seconds remaining in which to respond.”

“Unprovoked I don’t know. I had just lost a case and he said something like welcome to the world of the mediocre or something similar as I recall. What would you do?”

“Time!”

“Well I feel I must interject something at this point,” said Conley finally. “Basically that there have been several instances where even I myself have felt inclined towards violence against Mr. Liszt.” Cleary and Graham were nodding in agreement and even Debi seemed a bit chastened. The momentum had clearly swung in my favor, should’ve known I could count on Conley. Everything was going to be all right.

“Nevertheless that does not conclude the charges!” said Liszt.

“No it doesn’t,” added Debi. “For it is further alleged that you have paid the bail for a client in clear contravention of office policy.” There was a clearly audible gasp from the rest of the committee. “How do you respond?”

“That’s absurd. Well, that is, unless you have clear proof I did so in which case I aver that I didn’t know it was wrong.” They all looked at Debi.

“I hold in my manicured hand a bail slip for $5,000 cash signed by one Lord Windsor of Chesternut securing the release of one Glenda Deeble. I have in my other similarly-manicured hand a receipt indicating that the accused took out a credit card cash advance for that amount on that same date.”

“Sounds circumstantial no?” offered Conley.

“Until you see this affidavit from the private investigator hired by this committee in which the affiant affirms that he personally observed the accused pay that bail in person and use that alias. Casi?”

“I’m really going to have to insist you employ my hard-earned honorific when you address me, you collectively owe me at least that, and odd that you flatly denied being on this committee Con.”

“You see?” she looked at the other members. “Even at this late stage he continues to joke, even as his career hangs in the balance. But what do you say we stick to the evidence rather than your ad hominem attacks Casi? Because that same investigator would testify that in the last seven business days the accused has spent approximately three hours in this building. That he has refused to enter his office during that time but rather has employed Ms. Julia Ellis to retrieve his files. That he has repeatedly asked her to burn everything on his desk, which request she has rightly resisted.”

“Maybe give him a moment to respond Debi,” said Conley.

“That he has likely played a pivotal role in the loss by this office of one its finest attorneys ever in one Melvyn Toomberg.”

“Huh?” I said.

“What?” said Conley.

“That Mr. Toomberg was last seen seven days ago coming out of the accused’s office and muttering about letters. That he subsequently resigned and is in Bora Bora.”

“No, Bali,” said Cleary.

“I thought Belize,” said Graham.

“Are you prepared to level with this committee about your role in the resignation of Mr. Toomberg?” said Debi.

“No.”

“You had no role?” suggested Conley hopefully.

“No, I refuse to level about it.”

“Then we’ll proceed to closing statements,” said Debi looking side to side. “You have fifteen seconds.”

“Well okay, with respect to these charges, I guess I’ll take them one by one. I took some notes along the way. Let’s see… Liszt… Grinn.”

“Time!” shouted Debi. “We will now confer and render a decision.” They turned to each other and started whispering loudly. In the doorway to the conference room I saw Julia. She met my eyes and shrugged, her palms rotating outward as in how’s it going ? I gestured that I was ignorantly waiting and she half-pout-smiled yummily before looking left and leaving right.

I looked at the whisperers when a phone in their area rang then back at the doorway just in time to see an enormous figure cross it. The figure’s passage momentarily occluded every extant photon of light and this eclipse so degraded the air in the room that I had difficulty breathing as I pretended, to myself, that I wasn’t sure what I’d seen. Those at the table paused their deliberations to stare at the passing dark and in their sudden silence I think they half-expected an announcement of some sort. When nothing tangible happened next they went back to their perfectly audible whispering. Then Debi rose, tightened the belt to her robe and spoke in a strange stentorian voice:

“Hear ye thricewise! For by the power vested in me by COCK and by the newly-elected commander-in-chief of this office, Sir Lechuga McSorley, hath the forthcoming been unanimously declared by a vote of four to one with five abstentions. That the herein accused, charged with conduct detrimental to the crown, is hereby separated from his official capacities, said separation to endure throughout the existence of time immemorial.”

I said nothing.

“Congratulations Casi,” she said but this time in a normal voice. “You just became the first attorney ever fired in the history of this office.” The rest of COCK nodded in agreement. “I should add for the record that I have just received the minutes of the contempt hearing held earlier today in Judge Cymbeline’s courtroom and judging from your response to the court’s request for an apology I think it is exceedingly apparent that we made the right decision here today. That said, you do have the right to appeal this committee’s decision. Here’s a booklet that—”