Lydia Davis: Can't and Won't: Stories

Ellen, 87, volunteered at the Amtrak Station Snack Bar.

Joseph, 76, peacefully fell asleep in death in the cool early morning of August 26. He was best known in the community as a master plumber, and until his death was an active member of the Federation of Polish Sportsmen. He loved his wife and family. He loved his thirty-five race horses, but loved one especially, his stallion Bright Cat, who died earlier this year.

Ida, 95, put friends and family first.

John, 74, a veteran, worked for the Thruway Authority.

Ruth, 85, was a passionate animal lover and wildlife observer.

Anne, 62, found joy in felines, especially her friends Daisy, Rigel, Grace, Luci, Celeste, and Smokey.

Ernest, 85, was a merchant marine during WWII, often sailing in enemy waters. He later worked as a welder and repairman, and enjoyed woodworking after his retirement.

Edwin, 94, left one daughter.

Diane, 60, was a beauty school grad and upholsterer.

James, 87, worked for many years as a laurel picker for Engwer Florist Supply of Troy. He loved gardening, canning, wine-making, and putting down a crock of green tomatoes or sauerkraut.

Dolores, 83, a seamstress, had a sense of humor. In her earlier days, she worked at the Kadin Brothers Pocketbook Factory.

Dear President,

I was pleased to receive your letter informing me that I had been nominated by the Governing Board of Editors as WOMAN OF THE YEAR—2006. But at the same time I was puzzled. You say that this award is given to women who have set a “noble” example for their peers, and that your desire is, as you put it, to “uplift” their accomplishments. You then say that in researching my qualifications, you were assisted by a Board of Advisors consisting of 10,000 “influential” people living in seventy-five countries. Yet even after this extensive research, you have made a basic factual mistake and addressed your letter, not to Lydia Davis, which is my name, but to Lydia Danj.

Of course, it may be that you do not have my name wrong but that you are awarding your honor to an actual Lydia Danj. But either mistake would suggest a lack of care on your part. Should I take this to mean that there was no great care taken over the research upon which the award is based, despite the involvement of 10,000 people? This would suggest that I should not place great importance on the honor itself. Furthermore, you invite me to send for tangible proof of this nomination in the form of what you call a “decree,” presented by the American Biographical Institute Board of International Research, measuring 11 × 14 inches, limited and signed. For a plain decree you ask me to pay $195, while a laminated decree will cost me $295.

Again, I am puzzled. I have received awards before, but I was not asked to pay anything for them. The fact that you have mistaken my name and that you are also asking me to pay for my award suggests to me that you are not truly honoring me but rather want me to believe I am being honored so that I will send you either $195 or $295. But now I am further puzzled.

I would assume that any woman who is truly accomplished in the world, whose accomplishments “to date,” as you say, are outstanding and deserve what you call top honors, would be intelligent enough not to be misled by this letter from you. And yet your list must consist of women who have accomplished something, because a woman who had accomplished nothing at all would surely not believe that her accomplishments deserved a “Woman of the Year” award.

Could it be, then, that what your research produces is a list of women who have accomplished enough so that they may believe they do indeed deserve a “Woman of the Year” award and yet are not intelligent or worldly enough to see that for you this is a business and there is no real honor involved? Or are they women who have accomplished something they believe is deserving of honor and are intelligent enough to know, deep down, that you are in this only for profit, yet, at the same time, are willing to part with $195 or $295 to receive this decree, either plain or laminated, perhaps not admitting to themselves that it means nothing?

If your research has identified me as a member of one of these two groups of women — either easily deceived concerning communications from organizations like yours or willing to deceive themselves, which I suppose is worse — then I am sorry and I must wonder what it suggests about me. But on the other hand, since I feel I really do not belong to either of these two groups, perhaps this is simply more evidence that your research has not been good and you were mistaken to include me, whether as Lydia Davis or as Lydia Danj, on your list. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this.

Yours sincerely.

Nancy Brown will be in town. She will be in town to sell her things. Nancy Brown is moving far away. She would like to sell her queen mattress.

Do we want her queen mattress? Do we want her ottoman? Do we want her bath items?

It is time to say goodbye to Nancy Brown.

We have enjoyed her friendship. We have enjoyed her tennis lessons.

All these years I thought I had a Ph.D.

But I do not have a Ph.D.

The stories in this collection first appeared in the following publications, sometimes in slightly different form:

32 Poems : “Men”

Bodega : “Idea for a Sign”

Bomb : “A Woman, Thirty”

Cambridge Literary Review : “Revise: 1,” “Revise: 2”

Conjunctions : “Reversible Story”

dOCUMENTA (13) Notebooks series: “Two Former Students”

Electric Literature : “The Cows”

Fence : “At the Bank,” “At the Bank: 2,” “The Churchyard,” “The Gold Digger of Goldfields,” “In the Train Station,” “The Moon”

Five Dials (U.K.): “Notes During Long Phone Conversation with Mother,” “On the Train,” “A Story of Stolen Salamis,” “A Story Told to Me by a Friend,” “Nancy Brown Will Be in Town”

Five Points : “A Note from the Paperboy,” “Her Birthday”

Gerry Mulligan : “Left Luggage”

gesture zine : “The Problem of the Vacuum Cleaner,” “The Old Vacuum Cleaner Keeps Dying on Her”

Granta : “The Dreadful Mucamas”

Harlequin : “Wrong Thank-You in Theater”

Harper’s : “How I Read as Quickly as Possible Through My Back Issues of the TLS ,” “The Two Davises and the Rug”

Hodos : “Old Woman, Old Fish”

Little Star : “Handel,” “Housekeeping Observation,” “Judgment,” “Sitting with My Little Friend,” “The Sky Above Los Angeles”

Mississippi Review : “A Small Story About a Small Box of Chocolates,” “Her Geography: Alabama,” “Her Geography: Illinois,” “I’m Pretty Comfortable, But I Could Be a Little More Comfortable,” “The Washerwomen”

MLS : “Contingency (vs. Necessity) 2: On Vacation,” “Hello Dear,” “I Ask Mary About Her Friend, the Depressive, and His Vacation,” “Letter to the President of the American Biographical Institute, Inc.,” “Molly, Female Cat: History/Findings”

New American Writing : “The Old Soldier,” “Staying at the Pharmacist’s,” “Flaubert and Point of View”

NOON : “Bloomington,” “The Cornmeal,” “Dinner,” “The Dog Hair,” “How I Know What I Like (Six Versions),” “The Language of the Telephone Company,” “Learning Medieval History,” “Master,” “My Footsteps,” “Not Interested,” “The Party,” “Ph.D.,” “The Song,” “Their Poor Dog,” “Writing”