William Gaddis - J R

— That’s these old shoes. Shoes, service, Field, leather, composition soles and heels, natural and dark brown, sizes nine C to fifteen FF a thousand seven hundred eighty-seven pairs see it’s all just crap look, cable, telephone, eighteen hundred conductors nine hundred pair solid twenty-two AWG or like here, Mise hardware consisting of an estimated two thousand pieces including cups, casters, washers, screws, nuts, clamps, latches, snap hooks, rings, they just have all this crap to get rid of see? What’ll you give me for it.

— Nothing.

— I got more of them too.

— Who wants them. What’s this.

— Crap.

— … many Jews in the Holy Land should have to refuse to enter hospitals for necessary treatment because they fear that if they die their bodies will be mutilated! Furthermore, what did you want to send for this for?

— Who sent for it. It just came by itself.

— I know, I got this other one just like it only this it’s about cutting up these here animals…

The train hung poised on a hum of escaping power, shuddered and lurched backward to a halt that jolted Bast’s elbow from the sill where he had pressed it in an apparent attempt to cushion his head against the dirty pane and doze.

— Dear Future Investigator. Thank you for your inquiry in regards to the investigation profession. By responding to our advertisement, you have shown the initiative necessary to better your earning capacity and social standing. With the increasing crime rate…

— What are you going to put where it says are you married? if you have an automobile? What part of the world would you like to work in?

— I can put something and look. A Gold Sealed Diploma, suitable for framing…

— How much do they want.

— I know, that’s what I’m looking for.

— What’s that one.

— Never before has a career in art offered so many exciting opportunities for success and high income. Original hand painted pictures are being sought today by more and more interior decorators, homeowners, and…

— Boy, what crap. That’s all you’ve got is crap. What’s this.

— It’s this club you can join if I recommend you.

— What kind of a club.

— It’s this club, see? You step inside and suddenly excitement surrounds you! You enter a world highlighted by the soft, flickering glow of opep-hearth fireplaces… the attentive rustle of beautiful Bunnies, the bright colors of original…

— Bunnies? What kind of a club is that.

— and a heady houseparty atmosphere that seems to prevail…

— What, these are bunnies? these girls with their ass sticking in this guy’s face? Where do you join it.

— Dear Friend. If you are now a Playboy Club keyholder or if this is your second invitation to join the Playboy Club, please accept our apologies. In each area where Playboy Clubs are being placed in operation there exists a certain select group of individuals…

— How much does that say, twenty-five cents? You a member?

— Dollars. No.

— Crap. I got almost the same thing only it’s free. Look. Dear Friend. This month Rancho Hacienda Estates is ushering in the season with a succession of gala banquets. Look at the delicious, full-course dinner menu enclosed, to which you are invited as our distinguished guest. There is no cost or obligation to you. In order to make this gala evening an even more memorable event in your life, our entertainment plans for you include a private showing of the new color film Golden Evenings, which we believe will cast the same haunting glow over this festive occasion that can light the golden evening years of your life at Rancho Hacienda Estates. May we make reservations for yourself and your spouse…

— What’s a spouse?

— What’s the difference. It’s free.

— Well what is it.

— How am I supposed to know. Hey Mister…

— Leave him alone hey, he’s asleep…

— Dear Friend. How soon can you get started in Import-Export?

What do you need to know? How much does it cost? What products can you import? The answers to these questions may determine your entire future…

— No but look the thing is it’s still all crap because I mean look hey, like where this thing says yes I want to make More Money selling Advertising Book Matches. Please send the starting Portfolio and information about Sales Plans Premiums and handsome Professional Carrying Case then tell us briefly your age and selling experience what are you going to put, right? I mean like this here shoe thing Dear Friend. You have been recommended for the opening we have in your territory for a man who wants to increase his income then like what do you do where it says on this here little card I am interested in your offer to set me up in my own shoe business I wear shoe size like what are you going to put where it says here be sure to give size? I mean like if you put in your real size they know right off how big you are they won’t send you shit, or if you put some grownup size then you’re like going along these here traveled highways where every place of business is your prospect and potential book match customer carrying this here handsome Professional Carrying Case selling these matches wearing this demonstrator pair of these here grownup size shoes like some crazy looking…

— Okay then look, what do you want for those surplus Army stuff catalogs.

— Nothing. All you’ve got is crap.

— You said they were crap too.

— Yeah but they’re better crap than your shoe stuff and your match thing what’s in there, let’s see. Dead men do tell tales, often the fingerprint expert is called upon… What do you want for it. And this wait, this guy with his fingers all grown together fingerprinting and identification magazine look, I’ll give you this surplus stuff catalog for all this stuff, okay?

— What, that one lousy thing for all this?

— No but wait I got more. Look. Department of Defense, Sealed Bid Sale offering tab cards, tires, crane engines…

— What else.

— Look. General Services Administration, Region Seven, sales of civilian agency surplus property, see? Automotive, Medical, clothing, hand tools and wait hey look, Spot Bid Sale, Defense Logistics Services Center, pipe fittings, valves, hardware, generator sets, test sets and stands, electrical…

— Is that all?

— All what do you mean, all, there’s six of them here with this look, this Reference Guide about how you get all this…

— Okay look what do you want for it, look I’ll…

— We can’t hey, we’re there…

— Boys and girls? Let’s wait till everyone gets out…

— Boy this train should have had a wreck hey look at all the lousy teachers on it…

— When we can’t even get room in the cafeteria for driver training because they took the Senior Citizens’ painting class out of the gym when they started the prenatal care program there what’s going to happen to the adult hobby show?

— For the kind of evaluative criterions you find in these kind of enviremental settings…

— With the educational discount a lawnmower like that should be about forty-two dollars, so I said…

— When they tried to tell me I didn’t know enough math to teach it I showed them enough units for the certificates and you should have seen their faces…

— Like they do it in Russia so I said…

— Like it says here to gain the creative tension necessary to make deadline negotiations meaningful you need an impending social crisis like…

— Seeing her in the hospital and she says Leroy motioned them right out in front of that truck so I said you better get a better story to tell your insurance company…

— With the textbook and the workbook and the tests and the answer key but no teacher manual how do they expect…