Lorrie Moore - Birds of America

The spring arrived cool and humid. Bulbs cracked and sprouted, shot up their green periscopes, and on April first, the Arts Hall offered a joke lecture by T. S. Eliot, visiting scholar. “The Cruelest Month,” it was called. “You don’t find that funny?” asked Stauffbacher.

April fourth was the reception for W. S. Beyerbach. There was to be a dinner afterward, and then Beyerbach was to visit Agnes’s Great Books class. She had assigned his second collection of sonnets, spare and elegant things with sighing and diaphanous politics. The next afternoon there was to be a reading.

Agnes had not been invited to the dinner, and when she asked about this, in a mildly forlorn way, Stauffbacher shrugged, as if it were totally out of his hands. I’m a published poet , Agnes wanted to say. She had published a poem once — in The Gizzard Review , but still!

“It was Edie Canterton’s list,” Stauffbacher said. “I had nothing to do with it.”

She went to the reception anyway, annoyed, and when she planted herself like a splayed and storm-torn tree near the cheese, she could actually feel the crackers she was eating forming a bad paste in her mouth and she became afraid to smile. When she finally introduced herself to W. S. Beyerbach, she stumbled on her own name and actually pronounced it “On-yez.”

“On-yez,” repeated Beyerbach in a quiet Englishy voice. Condescending, she thought. His hair was blond and white, like a palomino, and his eyes were blue and scornful as mints. She could see he was a withheld man; although some might say shy , she decided it was withheld: a lack of generosity. Passive-aggressive. It was causing the people around him to squirm and blurt things nervously. He would simply nod, the smile on his face faint and vaguely pharmaceutical. Everything about him was tight and coiled as a door spring. From living in that country , thought Agnes. How could he live in that country?

Stauffbacher was trying to talk heartily about the mayor. Something about his old progressive ideas, and the forthcoming convention center. Agnes thought of her own meetings on the Transportation Commission, of the mayor’s leash law for cats, of his new squadron of meter maids and bicycle police, of a councilman the mayor once slugged in a bar. “Now, of course, the mayor’s become a fascist,” said Agnes in a voice that sounded strangely loud, bright with anger.

Silence fell all around. Edie Canterton stopped stirring the punch. Agnes looked about her. “Oh,” she said. “Are we not supposed to use that word in this room?” Beyerbach’s expression went blank. Agnes’s face burned in confusion.

Stauffbacher appeared pained, then stricken. “More cheese, anyone?” he asked, holding up the silver tray.

· · ·

After everyone left for dinner, she went by herself to the Dunk ’N Dine across the street. She ordered the California BLT and a cup of coffee, and looked over Beyerbach’s work again: dozens of images of broken, rotten bodies, of the body’s mutinies and betrayals, of the body’s strange housekeeping and illicit pets. At the front of the book was a dedication— To DFB (1970–1989) . Who could that be? A political activist, maybe. Perhaps it was the young woman referred to often in his poems, “a woman who had thrown aside the unseasonal dress of hope,” only to look for it again “in the blood-blooming shrubs.” Perhaps if Agnes got a chance, she would ask him. Why not? A book was a public thing, and its dedication was part of it. If it was too personal a question for him, tough . She would find the right time, she decided. She paid the check, put on her jacket, and crossed the street to the Arts Hall, to meet Beyerbach by the front door. She would wait for the moment, then seize it.

He was already at the front door when she arrived. He greeted her with a stiff smile and a soft “Hello, Onyez,” an accent that made her own voice ring coarse and country-western.

She smiled and then blurted, “I have a question to ask you.” To her own ears, she sounded like Johnny Cash.

Beyerbach said nothing, only held the door open for her and then followed her into the building.

She continued as they stepped slowly up the stairs. “May I ask to whom your book is dedicated?”

At the top of the stairs, they turned left down the long corridor. She could feel his steely reserve, his lip-biting, his shyness no doubt garbed and rationalized with snobbery, but so much snobbery to handle all that shyness, he could not possibly be a meaningful critic of his country. She was angry with him. How can you live in that country? she again wanted to say, although she remembered when someone had once said that to her — a Danish man on Agnes’s senior trip abroad to Copenhagen. It had been during the Vietnam War and the man had stared meanly, righteously. “The United States — how can you live in that country?” the man had asked. Agnes had shrugged. “A lot of my stuff is there,” she’d said, and it was then that she first felt all the dark love and shame that came from the pure accident of home, the deep and arbitrary place that happened to be yours.

“It’s dedicated to my son,” Beyerbach said finally.

He would not look at her, but stared straight ahead along the corridor floor. Now Agnes’s shoes sounded very loud. “You lost a son,” she said.

“Yes,” he said. He looked away, at the passing wall, past Stauffbacher’s bulletin board, past the men’s room, the women’s room, some sternness in him broken, and when he turned back, she could see his eyes filling with water, his face a plethora, reddened with unbearable pressure.

“I’m so sorry,” Agnes said.

Side by side now, their footsteps echoed down the corridor toward her classroom; all the anxieties she felt with this mournfully quiet man now mimicked the anxieties of love. What should she say? It must be the most unendurable thing to lose a child. Shouldn’t he say something of this? It was his turn to say something.

But he would not. And when they finally reached her classroom, she turned to him in the doorway and, taking a package from her purse, said simply, in a reassuring way, “We always have cookies in class.”

Now he beamed at her with such relief that she knew she had for once said the right thing. It filled her with affection for him. Perhaps, she thought, that was where affection began: in an unlikely phrase, in a moment of someone’s having unexpectedly but at last said the right thing. We always have cookies in class .

She introduced him with a bit of flourish and biography. Positions held, universities attended. The students raised their hands and asked him about apartheid, about shantytowns and homelands, and he answered succinctly, after long sniffs and pauses, only once referring to a question as “unanswerably fey,” causing the student to squirm and fish around in her purse for something, nothing, Kleenex perhaps. Beyerbach did not seem to notice. He went on, spoke of censorship, how a person must work hard not to internalize a government’s program of censorship, since that is what a government would like best, for you to do it yourself , and how he was not sure he had not succumbed. Afterward, a few students stayed and shook his hand, formally, awkwardly, then left. Christa was the last. She, too, shook his hand and then started chatting amiably. They knew someone in common — Harold Raferson in Chicago! — and as Agnes quickly wiped the seminar table to clear it of cookie crumbs, she tried to listen, but couldn’t really hear. She made a small pile of crumbs and swept them into one hand.

“Good night” sang out Christa when she left.

“Good night, Christa,” said Agnes, brushing the crumbs into the wastebasket.