Julia Fierro - Cutting Teeth

“Oopsy-daisy,” Dash said.

“Dash oopsied!” said Levi, and all three boys laughed.

Susanna groaned and patted her belly, “Please let this one be a girl.”

Like she had anything to complain about, thought Rip. She was a goddamn baby-making machine.

“Oh, the testosterone,” Tiffany warbled dramatically, and threw her hand up to her forehead.

“Seriously,” Nicole said as she reappeared with a broom. Rip saw she had recovered. No doubt, Rip thought, with the aid of some pill. “Testosterone has got to be responsible for at least half the evils in the world.”

The women laughed.

“What?” Nicole said. “I’m serious.”

“You are?” Allie said.

“Ignore her,” Tiffany said before Nicole could answer. She reached over and linked her arm through Allie’s.

Next to stick-thin Allie, Tiffany’s curves were even sexier, Rip noticed.

“Yep, don’t pay attention to Nicole, Allie,” Rip said, smiling. “She hates men.” He winked at Nicole, so she could see he was joking, or at least half joking because she had spent many a playgroup lamenting the inferiority of men. They’re just not emotionally stimulating, she’d say, with Rip sitting just a few feet away.

“I do not hate men!” Nicole said.

“Well, I do. Hear, hear!” Allie said with perfect timing, lifting her cup. “To women!” she trumpeted.

“To women,” Rip and the other parents echoed, their cups lifted.

“And thanks to those rare men whose testosterone flows in moderation,” Allie said, clapping Rip on the shoulder.

She had meant it innocently, Rip knew, a friendly poke, but later, it made his cheeks burn with humiliation.

Harper appeared, wearing a mass-manufactured princess dress, all shimmery polyester and synthetic satin — clunky plastic iridescent gems glued so you could see where the adhesive had dried. She walked up the stairs that led to the deck and stopped to curtsy in front of the mommies and daddies.

“Good evening, You Highnesses,” she chirped.

“Welcome to our palace,” Rip said before making a musical-theater-quality bow. “M’lady.”

The little girl’s eyes sparkled, and later, Rip would realize it wasn’t with pleasure but with anticipation.

Harper turned back to the steps and announced with a flourish, “Princess Harriet!”

Hank appeared at the top of the steps, wearing a pink princess dress. His face was garishly painted with haphazard makeup.

Tenzin stood behind Hank, her hands clasped in front, her face somber. No, Rip thought, she couldn’t have had anything to do with this. She looked mortified. This had to be all Hank and Harper’s doing.

Harper asked, “Doesn’t Harriet look beayouuuutiful?”

“He sure does, sweetie,” said Tiffany.

Rip tried not to react, he really tried, but his head was swirling, and Hank was so pink, so glittery, and the silvery thread trimming the skirt and the sequins dotting the bodice caught the sun until Rip felt blinded. Everyone was looking at him — Grace’s eyes saying, You were the one who was all pro princess dress. You are the one responsible for our son in a dress . He knew he should say something, anything, but the lump in his throat made it hard to speak, and he felt Michael’s sweating presence so close, and so he said, in the voice of a different man, a different father, “Henry Cho-Stein, go wash your face!”

He heard Grace’s voice behind him but didn’t dare look.

“Rip?”

Although they stood on the open deck in the cool, late-summer breeze, the air around Rip felt unnaturally still and impossibly silent, so when Hank asked, “When can I get my own princess dress?” it felt to Rip as if the whole world were listening.

It wasn’t the dress that pulled Rip forward like a giant pulsating magnet, until the uneven deck floor was cutting into his bare knees and he was using his own shirt and spit to rub at Hank’s face. It was the makeup.

Someone, clearly a child, had painted Hank’s face. Surely, Rip thought, they had meant to mock his little boy. For a moment, he forgot they were small children, barely preschoolers. It looked like a cruel practical joke a gang of boys in high school (bullies!) would play on the effeminate boy. Hank looked like a victim from one of those goddamn after-school specials Rip had watched as a kid.

Hank’s cheeks were heavily rouged, and glittery blue shadow arched clownishly over each eye. But it was his mouth that made Rip scour his son’s lips with the heel of his hand. The thick lipstick circling Hank’s mouth had dried in the creases between his plump lips.

Later, Rip would wonder if it was Hank’s smile he had tried to erase.

“Daddy,” Hank cried, swatting at Rip’s hand, “Stop. You’re messing it!”

But Rip rubbed until Hank’s skin was hot and flushed under his fingers. Why was he doing this? he asked himself. All those arguments he’d had with Grace, urging her to be open-minded about the princess dress, pleading with her to respect their son’s unconventional desires. Yet now, as he looked at his son’s smudged and tear-streaked face, cracked in sobs, he knew he didn’t want his son to be a sissy, pussy, homo, theater fag, all those names the jocks at his high school had hurled at Rip years ago, so much that he’d avoided walking past the senior commons area each morning, slipping in the back doors by the gymnasium.

The children were ushered inside. Snacktime, someone mumbled, and there was the sound of chairs scraping against the deck floor.

Then Grace was there, her warm hand on Rip’s arm as she gently pulled him away from Hank.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’ll take care of this.”

Hank said, “I just wanted to look pretty. Like Hah-per.”

Rip heard Grace take sniffling Hank inside.

He sat on the deck and stared at the plastic tiara in his hands. The silver heart read Princess in curly script. Rip wanted to fix it, to tell Hank he looked awesome, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t see his son dressed like that. Not today at least — maybe another day.

He twirled the tiara around his finger. He was grateful he’d been born into this new wave of daddy domesticity. This was the age of men who were emotionally intelligent, who said they were sorry, who asked for the box of tissues in therapy, who planned their kid’s birthday party.

But a princess dress? Wasn’t that asking too much?

This webbot shit is freaking the fuck out of me.

Posted 9/4/2010 2:08pm

( 7 replies )

— then quit reading it. 2:09pm

— get over it. there are tons of websites predicting all kinds of disasters. 2:10pm

— has it been picked up by mainstream news at all? 2:10pm

— not at all. 2:11pm

— people predicted back in January the banks would fall. I thought then: these people ARE NUTS. And NOW look at us. 2:13pm

— what is a Webbot? 2:24pm

— does the guy on the corner with the sandwich board scare you too? 2:26pm

“No climbing on the rocks!”Nicole shouted at Wyatt and Dash.

They ignored her, scrambling on all fours up the steep gray boulders that formed a barrier in front of the seawall. She leaned over to catch her breath. Her thigh muscles thrummed from the sprint across the uneven sand. She had chased the boys down the beach, yelling at them to stop, her anger growing with every second she could feel her ass jiggling.