Gilbert Sorrentino - A Strange Commonplace

Please, please call. I love you and do not want to lose you. I will even talk to your mother and father if you want me to and if they will let me, although our marriage is none of their business. Do you remember that’s why we moved out to Rego Park so that we could live our lives without having them drop in on us whenever they felt like it, and being hurt and angry if we so much as hinted that we wanted to be by ourselves for a change. You were even more fed up with it than I was. But I will talk to them if you wish it, my dearest wife, I will crawl if that’s what they want.

Please get in touch with me, and please believe me that I have had nothing to do with Janet for months, actually, I never did except for that one terrible mistake that I made by giving in to temptation, that was only human.

Your loving husband,

Ray

I’VE KNOWN IRENE GREENLEAF FOR A LONG TIME, SINCE the year that she and Bill were engaged, in fact. After they separated and then divorced over Bill’s affair with Charlotte, his secretary — whom he married soon after — Irene and I had a brief romance, if one can call it that, but we’ve been no more than friends for almost thirty-five years now. As if having an unfaithful husband wasn’t enough, her brother, a true deadbeat, who gambled away every penny he got his hands on, was beaten to death outside Papa Joe’s, a real bucket of blood, patronized by drunk lowlifes like the brother, whose name I forget, a small blessing. It would have been poetic justice had he been killed over a bad debt, but the fight apparently began with a shouting argument as to the relative merits of Rocky Graziano and Tony Zale. Perfect. In any event, Irene has lately become depressed, very obviously so, about Bill and Charlotte, which seems absolutely crazy, considering the lifetime that has elapsed since their initial dalliance. I don’t ever bring it up, nor does Irene, but it’s been clear to me for years — it was clear to me at the time — that our long-ago sexual fling, an expression, I grant you, even more stupid than “brief romance,” was simply Irene’s reaction to Bill’s infidelity, his cold and sudden abandonment of her. As far as I know, Bill was the only man that Irene had ever gone to bed with, and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the first time was on their wedding night. I flatter myself that I may be the only other man she favored. At any rate, what I’m trying to get at is that Irene’s thoughts have never been far from Bill, and over the years she has shown an obsessive interest in him and Charlotte, an unhealthy interest, as they say, although I’ve never used that expression with her. This interest has become much more pronounced in recent months. The whole thing has not been helped by the fact that Bill and Charlotte live in a house in the old neighborhood, a house that Bill bought soon after their marriage. Irene still has many friends, gossips all, in the neighborhood, who have been and still are more than happy to report on Bill, Charlotte, and their three children: Irene and Bill, you may have guessed, had no children together. As I’ve said, Irene has seemed increasingly depressed, more stagnant, may be the word, and shows very little interest in anything, including her monthly trips to Atlantic City, sometimes with me, sometimes with one or another of her gossipy friends, to play the slots, drink Margaritas, and eat steaks. I knew that something was really wrong one night when we were sitting on her couch watching a television show, one of those in which actors who resembled large pieces of lumber moved spastically about to surges of hysterical laughter — this is the sort of show Irene watches lately, her face frozen. I suddenly felt her breath on my cheek, then her tongue in my ear, and at the same moment, she caressed me between my legs. I pulled my head away, turned and looked at her, and said something, God knows what, and she began to cry, but stopped almost immediately. We finished watching the manic show, watched another, and then I went home. We had said nothing about the brief aberration. A couple of weeks later, Irene, still quite low, but now on antidepressants that safely maintained her unhappiness, told me, over whiskey sours in a quiet new bar a few blocks from her apartment, that she had almost committed suicide a month earlier; she’d bought a bottle of a hundred Advils, a bottle of Nytol, and a liter of vodka, but changed her mind. Maybe that’s why, she said, that I, you know, that night on the couch? I nodded, then started to say something vapidly positive, life is sweet, is precious, is worth living, is a bowl of cherries, but she touched my hand and looked at me and I knew enough to shut up. She had gone, she said, to Our Lady of Perpetual Help at least twice a week for the past five years, to light a candle each time and to pray for the agonizing deaths of Bill and his whore and their three rotten children. I thought, idiotically, that she didn’t even know the children, and stared at her glass as she took a sip of her whiskey sour. Five years, she said, five fucking years, and nothing happened. Her face was flushed and distorted with anger and pain. Five years and they’re all fine, they’re all hale and hearty! I was smiling irreverently. Can you, she said, lighting a cigarette, get a goddamn ashtray for Christ’s sweet sake in this bar?

JENNY WAS STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE MOTEL ROOM in front of a little black-and-white television set, on which a soap opera’s distraught characters were silently moving through their problems. She had unbuttoned her blouse and pulled it free of her skirt. Her hands were clasped in front of her and she seemed to be blushing, although the light in the room was dim. Ralph stood at the other side of the double bed, a picture of a rustic bridge in forest mist at his right shoulder. He took off his T-shirt and looked at Jenny, he wanted her out of her clothes.

Inez had put the baby down for a nap when Bill came in, half-drunk from the office party. Merry Xames! he said, where’s my beloved spouse? More to the point — where’s your beloved spouse? He hung his trenchcoat and suit jacket in the closet. Let’s have a drink, it’s Christmas Eve, Noël, he said. Inez lit a cigarette and gave it to him. You’re a peach, he said. I mean it. He should have met her back in New York. What am I doing, he said, in this stupid fucking town, can you tell me? He reached out and touched her arm and she moved closer to him. You’re a terrific woman, he said, I’ve always thought so. Ralph thought the suede jacket would be a good idea, it was expensive, but really nice, Jenny, however, told him that she hated to buy clothes for Bill, whatever she bought him, even underwear and socks, was always wrong. What about the chess set, then? Ralph said, it’s a beautiful thing and it will last forever. He was standing behind Jenny and put his hands on her hips. She half-turned and gave him a look out of the corner of her eye and moved, almost imperceptibly, against him. O.K., she said, but I can’t really play at all, I hardly know the moves. And Bill has nobody else to play with out here. All the better for Bill, Ralph said. What? Jenny said, looking him full in the face. O.K., let’s buy it right now and get it wrapped, she said, and then we can do — what do you want to do? Let’s go and relax somewhere for a couple of hours, Ralph said, it’s early. He had an erection and he knew that she knew it. And Inez? she said. He shrugged.

So Ralph went out shopping with Jenny, dear sweet Jenny, to help her buy me a Christmas present! What a wonderful guy, and what a wonderful wife, a helpmeet, he said. He handed Inez a stiff scotch and water and made one for himself. That’s what they told me, Inez said. Oh, brother, Bill said, they might as well advertise. They might as well do it in Macy’s window. Jesus Christ, Inez, what a mistake I made, what a mistake, oh fuck it. He had tears in his eyes and Inez, surprised and moved, put her drink down and held him close. The room was gray and gloomy, cold fog outside its single window. He put his hands under her skirt and moved her against the kitchen table. I love you, he said. I love you, I love you. The baby is sleeping, she said, we have to be quiet. She pulled her panties off and sat on the edge of the table with her skirt around her waist and opened her legs.