Gilbert Sorrentino - A Strange Commonplace

DOCTOR NAPOLEON GETS OFF THE ELEVATOR AND TELLS her that he knew that she’d come to the office, despite what he’d heard. She doesn’t know what he’d heard. “I’m Claire,” she says. “Of course,” he says, “there’s always a chance that a regimen of internal crosswords might arrest the disease. They’ve made such great advances in so many years of medicine.” He looks at The Memoir, which he has taken out of his pocket, and smiles. “Where’s your friend, the high-school boy writer? Isn’t he a little young for you?” He turns and opens a stainless steel door marked CAUTION HAZARD ENTERTAINMENT, and walks through it. She is mildly surprised to find that she is wearing nothing but her slip and a pair of paper slippers, one of which says MICKEY and the other MINNIE. Doctor Napoleon stands in front of her, his arms folded, and asks her about her offensive smoking at the party, “and by the buffet! That’s not a good idea with multiple myeloma. Why aren’t you in a hospital gown?” He is at the nurses’ station, talking to two nurses and shaking his head resignedly. She goes back to her room and the good-looking but boyish entertainment coordinator is sitting on the bed, smoking her last cigarette. “Oh, oh,” he says. “Caught red-handed. I surrender.” She takes her slip off because of the strict instructions she memorized while still at home, and stands at the side of the bed, in another slip, her arms held straight at her sides. He gets up and looks out the window. “They all ought to go back to Chelsea, and what the hell happened to that neighborhood? You too!” She gets into bed and lights a cigarette from a pack that she finds under the counterpane. He and Doctor Napoleon speak in whispers in the little bathroom, the door to which is only half-closed. “Have the other women finally left for Los Angeles?” the doctor asks. “In their New York clothes? They were supposed to wear their hospital gowns!” She puts her cigarette out and lights another, then offers the pack to Doctor Napoleon and the entertainment coordinator, who, she realizes, is a young black man whose name is Ferlon Grevette. This surprises her for she knows that young black men never get sick enough to go to the hospital. “You’re very bald,” she says to him. She gets off the bed, straightens and smooths her skirt, tucks in her blouse, and steps into her new pumps. But she can’t open the door, even though it has no lock. She turns, in tears, to Doctor Napoleon. Her blouse has fallen open and her breasts are exposed. “The door,” she says. “I’m dying and the door’s closed. Am I?” “It’s time for some entertainment,” Doctor Napoleon says, but Ferlon Grevette has left. “Let’s get into that gown now, Claire, shall we?” Doctor Napoleon says, smiling foolishly. “Your breasts are beautiful, but multiple myeloma doesn’t care.” He begins to eat his stethoscope. “Licorice,” he says. “One of my little jokes to lighten things up a bit.” “That’s in The Memoir ,” Claire says, pulling her slip on.

DEAR CLARA,

I’M SENDING YOU THIS CARE OF KATY, HOPING YOU’LL GET IT and read it and think about the terrible step you took. Walking out. I couldn’t believe it when I got home that night from my sales trip, to find you gone with all your clothes and things gone and not to let me explain or talk to you was also a slap in the face, believe you me. And not to even let me see little Maureen before you left if you thought you had to leave, what can she be thinking in her innocent mind? I know you’ll be mad as you are usually when I mention your mother but, I blame her for this and your father too had a hand in it, since he does as he’s told, and they were always jealous of our happiness. I know I made a mistake with Janet but it was one mistake, and, no matter what you may believe or were told, it was only one. And to just throw away our marriage for this, do you think it’s right? I’m sure you were hurt or, I should say I know you were hurt because it was adding insult to injury that Janet, was a guest in our house many times and adored Maureen. I know it was wrong of her and she also knows this. And it was wrong of me of course, but it was that one time and I thought you and I had settled it about the motel that was completely innocent and was about business if you remember. I can’t be any sorryer than I was after the mistake I made as I told you when I got down on my hands and knees and begged for your forgiveness. But why did you just leave while I was away so that we did not have a chance to sit down and talk things over for as long as you liked. It was a complete surprise and the kind of behavior that is not like you at all, if you take my meaning.

Now I hear from Ralph that you’ve gone to see Connie Moran and I can only think that the only reason you’d go and see that ambulance chaser is about a legal separation? When I think about how you and I laughed and laughed about that time he rushed over to Lutheran Hospital and it turned out he spent an hour talking to the wrong accident victim. Well that was in the past, now, I guess you think about him differently. If it is about a separation I wonder who will be paying his fee or retainer? As if I didn’t know! Your mother never liked me from the start and hated that we were making a go of it, no thanks to her and your father. She must have been happy as a clam to find out that we were having our ups and downs which, I know you told her about, although I begged you not to tell her our private marittal business. For instance, Clara, there was no need for your mother to know about that little slip of mine. I know it won’t cut any ice if I tell you that Janet is not my secretary any more, but has left and is working for another firm. And anyway I have never had a word to say to her since that one mistake, that was not in the line of business, for six months. That important company shindig that I was supposed to go to a couple of months ago that might well have led to a raise and promotion I didn’t go to, as you know. I remember you even argued with me about my refusal to go, you said it would be good for my future with the company. Now the reason I didn’t go can now be told. It was because I knew that Janet would probably be there with Jack Walsh, who was her boss before she left the firm for the other job I just mentioned. The long and the short of it was that

I did not want

to jepoardize our marriage that looked like it was getting back on its feet especially, after that weekend we spent in the Poconos, that was like a second honeymoon. Do you remember your mother and father did everything they could to keep us from going? Including not being able to mind Maureen because of your father’s sudden attack of a bilious headache that just came out of the blue? I never knew your father to suffer from anything except maybe too many boilermakers, as you yourself have agreed with me about many a time. But that’s all water under the bridge and I don’t want to point fingers.

Ralph also mentioned that you’ve been getting advice from Pastor Ingebretsen, who is, for my money, a regular creeping Jesus, along with that skeleton of a wife of his and her knitting club, spelled GOSSIP. For God’s sake, Clara, call me or call Ralph or Anna. I know that I’ll never get you if I leave a message with your mother or father. Maybe we can meet and have lunch or a cup of coffee even, and talk everything out. I look in your empty closet and my heart feels as if it’s going to break, can you really throw away eleven years of marriage because I made a stupid mistake just once and never did again, as God is my Judge. And that, as I told you, happened because I had a little too much to drink at the salesman of the year party for Bill Greenleaf, and in a way I have to take all the blame and I cannot in all honesty even blame Janet who I really took advantage of. Though you think she is loose or even a little tramp, she is just a kid who had one too many too that evening and I lost my head. So please call me, or Ralph. I know it’s not important since I know how hurt and angry you must be, but I brought home from Chicago a little present for you that I thought you would really like, something you’ve wanted for a long time. And for my darling Maureen, a doll with three complete outfits that cries and wets, she will love it. I would love to give it to her.