William Gaddis - Carpenter's Gothic

— There. Fine. You think he didn't? you think he…

— Because he's not a killer! Because he, all the things you don't know like you didn't know that, like you don't know anything! That he's this big Lightning Division hero looking for a war he can win you never saw that scar, that terrible scar you've never seen it you don't know the, all your grand words about the truth and what really happened that don't mean anything because it was one of his own men that's the truth, that's what really happened. He was fragged. Do you know what that means? he was fragged? His crew chief he'd turned in for heroin rolled a hand grenade under his bed and that whole story they made up, that the enemy got into their Bachelor Officer Quarters and blew them up with mortars and Chick pulled him out because it was Chick, it was Chick who just told me and he kept saying, he kept saying oh shit Mrs Booth I thought you knew. I thought you knew…

He stood there for a moment before he said — It's madness then isn't it, it's just madness… Backing off to the counter, spreading the newspapers heaped there aside — madness coming one way and…

— That picture, is that what you're looking for? Well look at it! Find it yes, look at it if that's what you, with the mugger yes because that's why Chick thought I knew how it happened, that nineteen year old kid when Paul saw him coming that was what he, his crew chief was nineteen and they covered it up, he just passed the word that he'd fragged the old man and they covered it up, the old man! He was twenty two! Find it yes, look at it if you…

— No, no I was just, bag of onions back here you said, I was just…

— Why do you want a bag of onions!

— No a drink I, you said… But she was up coming toward him reaching out, suddenly holding to the handle on the refrigerator door and he caught her elbow — what is it, what's…

— I don't know! She freed her arm — sometimes I, maybe I've got high blood pressure, walk down the street what good is that, get up in front of a jury they've all got high blood pressure what good is that… She'd reached past him into the corner to bring out the bottle — because you don't know what happened, you weren't here the only way you were here was your no no no and your stupidity conquering ignorance that night Billy came up here before he left, Reverend Ude with the Lord in the clouds and your Portuguese chopping off hands steaming up the Niger river trying to start a fight with him?

— Well that wasn't, it was the Zambezi in fact, the kingdoms along the Zambezi… He watched her pour an ounce, two ounces — that's enough I, no ice just a little water in it… his hand out, open.

— A killer without a war to go to? that Clausnitz was wrong, it's not that war is politics carried on by other means it's the family carried on by other means? just looking for a war he can win?

— Well I think, I think… his hand falling empty, watching her raise the glass and take a good swallow from it — it was von Clausewitz what he said was…

— That's what I mean! Where did he ever hear of Clausnitz, that that's what our family was all about now, Paul the bagman, Paul the Jew who didn't even know it, Paul the killer, just a nineteen year old kid? you couldn't have just knocked him down? And Paul said, he barely whispered he said Billy, don't you see? They never taught us how to fight, they only taught us how to kill he, they only taught us how to kill! and he, his hands were shaking, he couldn't… like her own, raising the glass again, the white of her throat rippling till she lowered it — and when Billy still kept after him that he was going himself, that he was going to Africa he was getting Adolph to send him to Africa while Paul and Mister Grimes and all of them sat here and started a war there jabbing at him, jabbing his shoulder till Paul grabbed him and, and held him, he just stood there holding him with his arms pinned like a child shouting God damn it Billy listen! These are the same sons of bitches that sent me to Vietnam!

— No now wait, I didn't…

— No I won't wait, no… but she did, getting breath, the corners of her eyes tearing from the whisky — because what Paul told him that's what really happens isn't it, not a lot of your whatever you were trying to make him some kind of disciple you don't have to teach outrage no, no but using it to give him some dumb kind of strength that wasn't real to try to destroy Paul with? to make him suddenly go to Africa the next day just to prove that he, he'd never have gone…

— Yes but, what it was… and he found the cigarette he'd made earlier on the table there by the phone, where he'd left it looking out at her sitting alone on that chair upturned in the drift of leaves dead on the terrace in that last light of the sun looking up, when he came out, now as though all that had happened long before because of all that seemed to have happened since, getting past her to light the stove, to bend over the burner there for the time to muster — if you want to think that, creating a disciple, the better the job you do of it… he straightened up with a choked puff of smoke, — the better you've created an apostate, I'll tell you, the…

— No you've told me, you've told me, lying out there ready to pounce while you're spending the second half of your life here cleaning up the mess of the first? While you talk about isn't it awful how we've handed these kids a trashed up world from all those great ideas of progress and civilization and you knew all the time? About not leaving things any worse at least if you can't leave them any better, that you're the only one who still has these great ideas and you're standing here just, in this house in this kitchen standing here smoking and coughing and talking and letting them all go out and kill each other over something that's not even there?

— Well good God! They've been doing that for two thousand years haven't they? And you think I, you've seen the paper this morning's paper? and you think I could stop it? Go out to Smackover knocking on doors of those little frame houses and tell them there's been a big mistake? down to that Christian survival camp where Ude's gospel singer is holding off the Federal Marshals with an M16 did you see those pictures? Stars and Bars flying overhead and the place packed with crates of fragmentation grenades, grenade launchers, M2 mortar shells, show him the proof there's nothing there and we've got a new game plan? He's read Ude's little Survival Handbook hasn't he? tells him to establish tight security against demon controlled creatures roaming the earth to torture and kill? He knows damned well that every marshal and FBI moving in on him is part of the conspiracy, that they worship the beast and wear his mark on their foreheads and they'll drink the wine of the wrath of God, says so right there doesn't it? His Commander in Chief tells him there's sin and evil in the world, that we're enjoined by Scripture and the Lord Jesus to oppose it with all our might and he's taking his orders now just like he did from Tiger Howell in the 11th Cav. The Lord is a man of war, that's Exodus isn't it? the voice from heaven telling him blessed are the dead which die in the Lord says it right there, doesn't it? Meet him in the clouds? No no no, talk about disciples there's your prize exhibit, that that's what I tried to do with your brother that's what you've been saying? turn him into a, gets it into his head to take off for Africa because of me? Because I said they're hell bent on a self fulfilling prophecy and every stupid, ignorant…

— Because you're the one who wants it, she said abruptly in a voice so level he stopped, simply looking at her, at the glass coming up in her hand and her head thrown back for the last of what was in it, the full swell of her throat rising in the hollowed arch of her jaw's line hard as bleached bone, as he'd seen it only once before. — And it's why you've done nothing… She put down the glass, — to see them all go up like that smoke in the furnace all the stupid, ignorant, blown up in the clouds and there's nobody there, there's no rapture no anything just to see them wiped away for good it's really you, isn't it. That you're the one who wants Apocalypse, Armageddon all the sun going out and the sea turned to blood you can't wait no, you're the one who can't wait! The brimstone and fire and your Rift like the day it really happened because they, because you despise their, not their stupidity no, their hopes because you haven't any, because you haven't any left. Because when I woke up again that morning after I'd loved you and I knew you were in the house, I heard you cough downstairs and I knew you were here and it was the first time I, when I came up the hill that night in the dark and the lights were on and you were in there in front of the fire, sitting reading in front of the fire because it had never been mine, it had never been like coming home. Because we've never had one. Because Paul it was just a place to eat and, to eat and sleep and fuck and answer the telephone because he'll never have one, he'll never have a home and when I came down that morning and I knew you were here and I thought, and I felt safe. That one night and then the morning and all those babies demanding to get born out there on a star someplace with a telescope watching what was already gone? Because it was wasn't it, it was already gone, look at this one Billy here's the missing link, talk about a dark continent they think God put them here in their bad suits and cheap neckties no no no sit down, I'll tell you something, it's all just fear you said, any fiction to get through the night when you think of all the people who are dead? It's being the prisoner of someone else's hopes but that was, but that's not being the prisoner of someone else's despair! Because it was all your, I'm not a writer Mrs Booth no because it was all your despair locked away in that room there with the smoke and the cobwebs, pouring a drink with that old man and his dustpan pretending there was some reason to get up in the morning? locked away from her hopes all out here in the open? The silk flowers and the lamps and the gold draperies all her own hopes spread out like she'd be back in the morning until they were mine, spread up there in her bed?