William Gaddis - A Folic Of His Own

— He's all right Teen, I mean I didn't mean he was all smashed up in that marvelous car of yours, that lovely deep green and…

— Not a scratch, don't worry it's all…

— I'm not worried about a scratch on the car my God, if you…

— No, no Harry, she means Harry he wasn't hurt, a little confusion here. He wasn't in an accident, just some woman saying he caused one, cut her off and ran her into a storm drain and she's had him in court ever since. One of these little Mercedes SLs Harry said pulled right out in front of him going ten miles an hour and he tried to avoid it but her boyfriend got his number, leaving the scene of an accident and all the rest of it, broken wrist, whip lash, the lot. They brought Harry in for DWI, drug testing, tranquilizers he's been on but he said he hadn't taken any the firm's psychiatric counselor put him on for this stress he's been under, nothing but some codeine for a toothache but…

— Well my God it's their fault isn't it! Working twenty hours a day at this asinine case they've had him on since God knows when he's hardly eaten or slept, what do they…

— No no, they're behind him, trying to keep it from going to trial Bill Peyton's talking to the judge himself, an old classmate at Yale Law you don't have to worry, if it goes to trial we've got the expert witnesses already looking into this woman's background up to her ears in debt, bad credit rating and her boyfriend's just out of some rehab so don't…

— Not that jacket Lily I said my beige coat, have you found my purse?

— Teen I feel so badly, we didn't mean to upset you we thought you knew and Harry's all right, I mean now it's just going to be another of these dreary runarounds with courts and lawyers like Mummy's will and this revolting boy with his foetal personhood there's nothing you can do, you can stay out here and rest and Jerry can look after the…

— I've got to see him! My God Trish can't you, what do you want me to do take a train? I'll drive in with you right now can't I? Oscar have you found my, what are you looking over there for.

— That copy of my play, and my coat it must be in the…

— What in, your play what in God's name are you talking about!

— I'll come in with you, a big roomy car we can all…

— What are you talking about!

— Oscar watch where you step, I think the dog just got sick there.

— What? oh, no if I'm right there in town Christina it will be much easier to arrange things on short notice with this director for lunch or something and the hearing on this appeal, if I'm right there in court they might want me to testify tomorrow or…

— Don't bother with it old sport no, just complicate things it's all a pretty cut and dried procedure, a lot of legal technicalities nothing you can….

— Stop it! Oscar stop it I can't even, you're staying right here just my raincoat Lily take the jacket, keep it it suits you, can you help her with that fur coat? And the, there it is staring you right in the face my purse Oscar, just hand it to me please hurry Trish, I'll carry your coat you won't need it on in the car, Jerry?

— Coming yes, don't want to take along any of the food? Watch that plate on the floor there.

— I think that's where he ate that oyster stuff, do you…

— Are you coming! as the doors down the hall clattered open.

— But…

— Sorry to run like this, here… a hand burrowed behind the gold monogram — take these? Two cigars thrust forth with a sharp clap to the shoulder leaving him reeling as the car doors slammed outside, — coming! and moments later that veranda, the still house and the torn limbs fell away behind as the car seethed almost silently up the cratered driveway — sorry, that your foot there Trishy?

— This awful coat I can't see where I'm, here, pull it over your knees Teen sort of a laprobe, you wouldn't notice the spots on it would you after that awful boy but you should see the chinchilla. Bunker gave it to me, I think he got it on some kind of a bet he's having the most awful time, those odious neighbors of his in the country claim his butler raped one of their Filipino maids of course they're here illegally so she can't report it but they want him fired and Bunker won't budge, Victor's the best cook he's ever had and he won't lose him over some silly indiscretion and I mean he can't sit out there playing backgammon all alone can he? He had the whole place built an exact copy of the big old family mansion where he was born down in Georgia so they could put all the furniture right where it belonged when he moved in but he gets lonely there sometimes and…

— Have you talked to him Trish?

— He's in London no, he left yesterday on the…

— I didn't mean…

— He'll be back in a day or two, he just went over to have some suits fitted, why.

— I meant Harry.

— Who? Oh Harry, no just what Jerry's told me don't worry about him Teen, I mean Jerry's right there with an eye on things aren't you Jerry, I just hated to leave Oscar like that I didn't even get to say goodbye he looked so, but he's always looked rather lost hasn't he with that blonde there, you don't think they're up to anything do you?

— I'm sure they are, now…

— Well my God I hope so, don't you? I mean he really needs a little of that sort of thing, she reminded me terribly of that girl at school with that marvelous bosom I think she was Polish until her guardian took her out after that messy business with our Mister Jheejheeboy in botany, will you ever forget him Teen? He had fingers like velvet what was her name, that beautiful redhead from Grosse Pointe I went out to her funeral, Liz something she married him didn't she, Liz ow! That's my foot Jerry what are you doing down there.

— Just getting the phone, move over a little? as the car swayed from the road to the open highway ahead — there, that better?

— It was that Grimes girl Trish, they were best friends and he married that Grimes girl because he thought she had more money and her father had to pay him off to get it annulled.

— Edie yes, Edie Grimes, when they were caught smoking together in the laundry room, that pale white skin and red hair and the most marvelous cheekbones God how I envied her, I mean if I'm going in for these tucks I might as well have the whole thing done again, of course you come out looking like a mummy with two black eyes and have to hide out for a week someplace nobody goes anymore like Jackson Hole but simply everyone's using him, Bunker says that's why you see him at all these big benefits of course he's always somebody's guest, he's a frightful freeloader and when he started showing up at my Winter Parties for Bunker's hospital in his little tuxedo with his pants drooping over his shoes simply salivating over his little black book Bunker says he comes to all of them drumming up business I mean he adores titles and money, not one without the other not one of your ordinary restaurant Greeks because Bunker can't stand him and I mean Bunker's the only man you've ever known who asked for a copy of Debrett's for Christmas but you've got to wait ages for an appointment unless you're an old customer like Lettie Blanfors who used him when he was still a proctologist and they called him the shuttle surgeon racking up those charter members for his rosebud club till a sheikh and some African president sued him from their deathbeds for malpractice and that nasty business after the Pope's funeral in all the papers calling him some kind of double agent back when I first met him at one of those awful galas Edie was always giving, she was at the funeral too looking simply gorgeous but she was with that brutish man Liz was married to when she died, he did it of course, killed her I mean, you knew that didn't you.

— That was all simply talk Trish, he…